10: The Serendipitous Results

Today was the moment of truth. After six months of working on things with my sugars, I get to see if my A1c went up, stayed the same, or came down. I was claiming that it went down.

Claiming is something you can do with God. Beyond all measures, you believe that God will provide. November 2023 could be the first time my A1c went down instead of going up. For the previous two November, my A1c was 5.8. The first time that led me to having to increase my Glucophage. The second time, I had to make diet adjustments. Despite my A1c coming down each May, I really wanted to have one be "normal" for an entire year. That hadn't happened since at least 2018, the last time I had a "normal" A1c without any medications or lifestyle changes.

It was normal then because I was taking better care of myself. Back in 2018, I was still running a good bit, my diet was better, and I had only just begun my dissertation. Life was honestly good then, and I felt good about many things. No dreams had occurred then. In fact, my grandfather, Paw Paw, who appeared in one of those dreams, was still very much alive. Then, the struggles came.

Struggling with my mindset at work. Struggling with the dissertation. Struggling at home with children that were becoming pre-teens. Struggling with anything and everything all at once. My mindset, in general, could have been better, even when things went well. When that happens, you turn to comfort measures to help you cope, like food. From the end of summertime 2018, until the first dream occurred, I had gained nearly 20 pounds. I couldn't run well anymore, and the one image I had of me running from March 2019, I looked like I was about to die, crossing the finish line. What a difference a year made from March 2018 to 2019 when the A1c was last checked before 2021. I actually skipped having my bloodwork done in 2019 because I just didn't feel like it. That was a mistake for me, as I likely would have learned I had at least a pre-diabetic A1c back then. I could feel something was off, but I attributed it to just getting older. That's when Niney's dream came in May 2019.

That was the first warning that something was impending. I took the dream as me missing my grandmother at that time, who had passed away 21 years earlier at that point. I didn't see what my body was doing to me because of my bad habits that had taken over due largely to stress.

I was putting my body through the wringer and letting everything get to me in overt negative ways. It didn't get any better after March 2019, either. Negativity abounded to the point I even thought about quitting a number of things. I wasn't happy, but I was most unhappy with myself.

By 2020, I honestly felt like the rest of the world had caught up to my negativity, especially after Covid hit. Once again, I didn't get my A1c checked in March 2020 because Covid limited things. Most likely, I was a full-blown diabetic by that time, with an A1c at least over 6.5 or greater. Sitting around at home didn't help, and I did try to curtail my diet and help my exercise some, but not going much of anywhere meant I was sitting a lot more in my home. I had the next two dreams that were much more terrifying and made me wonder if something bad was coming for me.

The negativity in the world did nothing to help as societal unrest propagated more issues. I actually did lose some weight from March 2020 until October 2020, but then I started losing weight for the wrong reasons. I wasn't even trying to diet through the holidays, and my weight went down. I thought I had a urinary tract infection because of using the bathroom so much, and that turned out to be false. My blood pressure was up. My heart rate would go as high as 130 beats per minute when I was angry sitting there. I was in a very bad place. 

Then March 2021 happened, with the final dream and the A1c of 10. I was now an uncontrolled diabetic. How did this happen? How could I let this happen? Why did it have to happen?

It would have been very easy to go down the rabbit hole of despair even more that day. But instead, I prayed to God to help me, and He did.

He restored my positive mindset and shed all negativity as much as possible. He helped me change my lifestyle to something more sustainable, healthy, and hopeful. These were things I wanted to do in the past but never would do on my own. I needed Him more than ever, and He was providing me with the ability to claim I could overcome diabetes. And I did, through Him.

The only thing I still needed to accomplish was having two normal A1c results in a row. I claimed it with God before that day, somewhat nervous about it but peaceful in believing it would be so. Then came November 29, 2023.

I went to my provider and had a great discussion with them. My vital signs for the day were:

BP: 110/84

Pulse: 81

Resp: 16

Weight: 205 lbs

BMI: 27.8

I had lost 12 lbs since my last visit in May 2023. At one point that summer, I was actually 221 lbs and creeping up just before Afib hit due to Covid. The previous 5 months had forced me to alter some things because I needed to. So, my diet was better. My exercise routine consisted mostly of walking. Besides, running had not helped my A1c go down the two previous November. My lab work was also amazing.

Glucose SerPl-mCnc	102.0 mg/dL	74-106
BUN SerPl-mCnc	14.0 mg/dL	7-18
Creat SerPl-mCnc	0.960 mg/dL	0.60-1.30
BUN/creat SerPl-mRto	15.0 (calc)
Bilirub SerPl-mCnc	0.60 mg/dL	0.20-1.00
AST SerPl-cCnc	20 IU/L	15-37
ALT SerPl-cCnc	42 IU/L	14-63
ALP SerPl-cCnc	74 IU/L	34-138
Calcium SerPl-mCnc	9.10 mg/dL	8.5-10.1
Sodium SerPl-sCnc	141.0 mmol/L	136-145
Potassium SerPl-sCnc	4.50 mmol/L	3.5-5.1
CL	105 mmol/L	98-107
CO2 SerPl-sCnc	27.90 mmol/L	21.0-32.0
Anion Gap SerPl-sCnc	13 1	9-15
Prot SerPl-mCnc	6.60 g/dL	6.4-8.2
Albumin SerPl Elph-mCnc	4.10 g/dL	3.4-5.0
Globulin Ser Calc-mCnc	3.0 g/dL
Alb/Glob SerPl-mRto	1.60 (calc)
eGFR (2021)	>60	>60

11/29/2023
Cholest SerPl-mCnc	180.0 mg/dL	50-200
Trigl SerPl-mCnc	70.0 mg/dL	30-200
HDLc SerPl-mCnc	54.0 mg/dL	40-60
LDLc SerPl Calc-mCnc	112 1	0-130
Cholest/HDLc SerPl-mRto	3.0 Ratio
RISK	3 Ratio	4-5

11/29/2023
TSH SerPl DL=0.01 mU/L-aCnc	0.870 uIU/mL	0.358-3.740

11/29/2023
WBC # Bld Auto	6.10 x10E3/uL	3.3-10.5
RBC # Bld Auto	5.340 x10E6/uL	4.35-5.90
Hgb Bld-mCnc	16.30 g/dL	13.7-16.7
Hct Fr Bld Auto	48.70 %	40.5-49.7
MCV RBC Qn Auto	91.0 fL	80-98
MCH RBC Qn Auto	30.50 pg	26.1-33.3
MCHC RBC Auto-mCnc	33.40 g/dL	32.2-35.0
RDW RBC Auto-Rto	14.10 %	11.6-16.5
Platelet # Bld Auto	263.0 x10E3/uL	150-450
PMV Bld Qn Rees-Ecker	7.70 fL	5.2-9.5

Prot/Creat ratio
11/29/2023
UCREA	131.68 mg/dL	13.00-400.00
Microalbumin, Urine	5.30 ug/mL	<20.0
Protein/Creat Ratio	0.04	0.00-29.00

Everything was "normal," healthy, perfect! Then, one last result came through, my A1c:

For the first time during this journey through diabetes, my A1c went down in November. I was now "normal" with my sugar control for an entire year. Despite all of the hardships of the summer. Despite all of the stress of the year. Despite my anxiety, fear, self-loathing, and negativity that tried to creep back in, God brought me to the place I had claimed. Thank you, Jesus, for this. This was truly serendipitous as some awkward and hard things had happened, but in the end, it worked out with God's plan. 

My provider was thrilled and thought I had done so well. Keep up the great work, and return in 6 months. That was the same thing my cardiologist had said a few weeks earlier. It truly was the most wonderful time of the year!

Now it was time to start the holiday season leading up to Christmas. A truly stressful time of year, to say the least. This time of year would test my anxiety for sure, but I had help, unlike anything I had before. It was time to enjoy the holidays in peace and happiness.

Tune in for the next segment 10: Holiday Season.

10: Thankful

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."-1 Thessalonians 5:18

Credit: Country Living

Have you ever heard the Boys II Men song, Thank You? I've loved that song from the first time I heard it. "Cause even though when times got rough, you never turned away. You were right there. And I thank you, I thank you-oooouu."

I'm sure you are singing that verse now. It's a great song and symbolizes the band's gratitude for support from those dear to them. I had heard somewhere it was also a message about thanking God for His help with each of them throughout their lives. 

Being told that you don't have to do something anymore was something quite profound. I really thought it might be months before I could consider stopping the Eliquis simply because I was still fearful of the Afib. In fact, a few days after the visit, I reported a moment on my monitor where I felt like my heart raced for a moment. However upon checking it with the clinic, the heart rate barely got above 100 and was sinus rhythm, thus nothing they would be concerned about. The heart rate went back to normal, and there was no issue. It was a flutter like it sometimes happens. Anxiety was still the big issue.

In the following weeks, heading towards Thanksgiving, everything seemed to settle in more. Things at work were going great. At home was becoming even better. Although moments of friction still happened, especially during the holiday season, it was a great time with my family. We started attending Connect Classes at NewSpring to move towards becoming "members" there. Life was going great, and I was feeling much better. The only thing looming on the horizon was my next A1c check.

In May 2023, my A1c was 5.6. This time of year in November was my dreaded time of year for the A1c to elevate. There was never any rhyme or reason as to why it would go up. I just knew it had. This elevation was a source of frustration the past two years and I was hoping this time it would not go up. Compounding the issue, my next A1c check was AFTER Thanksgiving.

An A1c is a 3-month average of your blood sugar throughout the body, so a long weekend of eating probably wouldn't affect it that much, but this is Thanksgiving we're talking about. I was planning to make Maw Maw's macaroni and cheese. Mom was preparing chicken, dressing, green beans, corn, and mashed potatoes. Leslie was making vegall casserole. The Bowen Family Thanksgiving was also going to be that weekend with turkey, ham, more green beans, mac and cheese, dressing, and pies! Oh, the pies and the other desserts, too. It was enough to give you diabetes if you ate every last bit of it.

But as I had before Thanksgiving Week, I was trying to avoid going overboard. If I ate a lot at one meal, I cut down on the next. I still didn't eat much in the way of sweets, just something occasional. Water to drink, and I kept on exercising each day as I had before. I didn't run the Electric City Gobbler this time because I wanted to relax on Thanksgiving Day. Besides, I had run in the race the previous two years, and despite all the preparation for the 5K, my A1c went up both times. Running didn't help my sugar levels. Managing my diet and walking help much more. In fact, my knees were trying to tell me it was time to stop running. They ached all the time. So, although I miss running sometimes, I don't miss it enough for the detriment it was causing to the rest of my body.

So, despite the holiday season, I ate well, worked out well, and kept positive that everything would be fine the day I got checked at the clinic. I claimed that this would be the first time my A1c would go down from May to November. I believed it would be the case with all my heart. I was anxious about it, but not nearly as much as I had been before the stress test and echo. My anxiety was more of joy than apprehension. 

And I was thankful for it. I was thankful for a good life, good health, a great career, a loving family, and cherished memories that would carry me right through the holiday season approaching.

But now, it was time to see the results and if I had successfully managed things, even through the Afib drama. The Wednesday after Thanksgiving was approaching, and it was time to find out.

Stay tuned for the next segment, 10: The Serendipitous Results.

10: The November Results

Going back to the cardiologist brought with it anxiety.

What will they say about the results? My perfusion is normal, and my ejection fraction is better, but will that be sufficient to say things are going well?

Yes, my results looked good on paper, but was everything going to be ok. Well, that was where I needed to let go and let God.

The main result I couldn't see before the visit was the result of my Echocardiogram. However, the perfusion test showed what the ejection fraction was, so the echo wouldn't have shown anything different. If anything, the echo would simply corroborate the perfusion results.

Despite thinking all of this, I was still quite apprehensive that day, but not as much as I had been before the loop monitor or the stress test. I prayed to Jesus to give me peace and claim things will be fine. As I've mentioned, your mind can be the devil's playground. Idle hands. There's nothing wrong with being rational, but too much of a good thing is just as bad as going off the deep in. You can rationalize yourself into a frenzy of uncertainty.

But on this day, I went for my visit alone. This was the first time I had been to my cardiologist for a visit alone since July. That showed confidence and poise despite how my mind might respond to things. When I weighed in, I was at 204 lbs, which was amazing! But my blood pressure was 140s/90s with a heart rate above 100 slightly because I was nervous. That day, the tech told me everyone's blood pressure was up when they saw the cardiologist. She and I exchanged some pleasantries that had us both laughing and then I was left in the room alone. Alone with my thoughts, just between me and God.

As I waited patiently for the nurse practitioner to come in, I thought that it was a good thing I was talking to the practitioner and not the doctor. The practitioner was the one that had cleared me for 2 years back in June before the Afib hit. Working in the same clinic, neither functions without the consent of the other, so I knew the practitioner had spoken to my cardiologist about the results of the tests. Having them come talk to me meant I was not in a bad place. I was in a very good place. I just needed to believe it for myself.

When she came in, we talked about how things had been the last few weeks. Of course, things had gone well, and I was able to tell her that I was doing something to help with my anxiety as well. All of these were good things from her perspective. She mentioned some of the very things I had thought about. Just like when another colleague I spoke with suggested that I know too much as a nurse, so did she. Nurses are trained to think of all the possibilities to be competent practicing clinicians and provide the best care possible. That also can make us some of the worst patients imaginable. As she spoke, the practitioner had one comment where she said, "Am I going to die?" reflecting on the anxiety-producing feelings heart irregularities can produce. That struck a chord with me as I had said these same words to my mother only two months earlier. This conversation did a lot to help me feel better about where my mindset was and how much anxiety was playing a factor. 

In fact, we discussed the cool sensations I sometimes had. These were not cool sensations like my body temperature dropping because my body still felt warm during them. These cool feelings permeated through my body, sometimes even elevating my heartbeat, but within seconds to minutes, it went away. My provider had already suggested this was anxiety, and my practitioner on this day confirmed that as well. Lexapro can cause anxiety sometimes, and these sensations did not start happening until after I began the drug. So, that meant the drug was working, and like my provider, the practitioner felt I should stay the course. It was building up and helping me to cope better with things.

But another big point of the visit was showing how Afib played a factor. At that point, I had experienced no Afib episodes since July 13. The loop monitor had not recorded any Afib since it was placed on September 20. My meds were helping both my heart and blood pressure, and there did not seem to be a reason to continue the Eloquis. 

What? I thought. I don't have to keep taking the blood thinner? That's magnificent!

Despite the joy I was currently being filled with, I was also apprehensive about not taking the blood thinner. I had read too much on the internet over the past few months and was concerned about the possibility of a blood clot. But that was my own fear attempting to take over. The fear of being deceived but the greatest of deceivers. No longer having to take the blood thinner was a blessing. That meant my body was doing well, and now I wouldn't have to return for 6 months to see how things were going. Simply keep letting the monitor watch over things and report anything unusual happening if it should.

When I left the cardiologist's office, I felt happy but cautious. I would still need to make sure my heart is okay, but this was a step in the right direction towards completely being healed. Covid had spawned this issue, but it had been short-lived. I now was taking every precaution to help myself move forward and things were getting better. My mindset had changed, and I was growing closer to the Lord than I ever had been before. These blessings were more than something to simply count. These blessings were to be cherished. I was thankful in the season of Thanksgiving that was approaching. 

Tune in for the next segment, 10: Thankful.

10: Happy Halloween

With the stress test and echo now over, I could breathe easily again.

That weekend was hauntingly fun, with Halloween just around the corner and Fall Break at Clemson. If nothing else, it gave me time to rest some and allow the Lexapro to begin working. However, I did do one thing that sidetracked me for a day.

I got the Covid vaccine.

Some of you reading this have issues with that particular vaccine, but I believe in doing whatever is needed to protect myself and others. With the fact that I got Afib due to contracting Covid in July, it felt pertinent to me to get the vaccine to help myself especially. Frankly, I've yet to meet anyone that had serious issues with the Covid vaccine. However, I've seen plenty of people have major, life-changing, altering, or ending issues from Covid. Besides, as one provider said once if you don't contract something from a vaccine within 6 weeks after administration, nothing will happen, which means major issues. 

But small issues can arise with any vaccine, like location reactions or not feeling well. This reaction happened to me the day after the latest Covid vaccine. I felt achy and just plain crappy. So much so that we decided to stay home from church and watch it on television instead. By that late afternoon, I finally started feeling fine again. This reaction wasn't the first time this happened to me with the Covid vaccine, as a similar issue arose in 2021, and a day or so later, I felt fine. I felt fine again in the same timeframe after this dose of the vaccine. Now, I felt secure in the fact that I would be helped if Covid came to visit again.

Additionally, that same week, Leslie's car battery died, the fan on our central heating and air unit died (no longer under warranty), and our string trimmer we had for at least 7 years, died. Things like that always happen in threes, but we actually didn't realize the issues with the trimmer until several weeks later.

The biggest thing that had changed, though, was my mindset and my anxiety. Now, Lexapro doesn't work right away. It takes about 2 weeks to feel anything and 6 weeks to feel like you're 50% yourself again. It can take months to feel 100% again after initiating Lexapro, so a few days of taking the drug wasn't helping my spirits. I was doing that.

I had started altering my mindset at the beginning of October, which carried over throughout the month. If September was a terrible month since all of this had occurred in July, October was the best. I shifted my mindset from negativity to positivity, trying to think through things more rationally. The biggest thing I also started doing was not worrying much about things. I had stressors, of course, but I wasn't in distress. My stress levels had reached an all-time high by July. Now, I felt calm and at peace.

For that reason, I felt I could enjoy my favorite time of the year--Halloween. For the first time, my kids didn't want to trick or treat and end to 10 years of childish fun. That was bittersweet to hear, but they wanted to hand out candy to others. I loved that idea! Years after stopping trick or treating myself, I started handing out candy at my parent's house all through high school and college until Leslie and I had kids of our own to take trick or treating. So, I was stoked to start going to my parents to hand out Halloween candy to other kids.

It also helped that my parent's neighbors went all out decorating for Halloween this year. That house was crazy but so awesome. They had all manner of ghouls and goblins to attract attention, which would also help bring people to my parent's house. We always have handed out candy at my parent's house because our home is way out in the country by comparison. There are never any trick-or-treaters out there. But my parent's house always brings them in on Halloween.

So, we set up a fire pit, and a table with a candy bowl and sat out in front of my parent's house roast marshmallows for s'mores and hot dogs. It was a beautiful night after rain had been forecast. Instead, we sat there playing the soundtrack to Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (my favorite Halloween movie) while we laughed, played, and enjoyed the camaraderie of the evening, venturing up to the neighbor's house many times that weekend to see the excitement in the eyes of children coming to have some fun. 

That's what it's all about for me. I love the fun of Halloween, not the occult. I love the camaraderie of being together, not the costumes. I love the joy it brings, which is a good thing to inspire others to believe in joy. Ironically enough, Halloween does mean "Holy Evening." All Hallows Eve proceeds All Saints Day, providing a Christian connotation to the evening of Halloween. You can read about some of this here and see good scriptures that could be read on Halloween. Unfortunately, the Bible offers no direct scripture about Halloween itself. At least for me, much like the vaccines, I find the joy in the event of the evening more than something negative about it. To each their own on how we all look at certain things.

But on Halloween evening, my thoughts were preoccupied with one thing: what would happen the next day with my results from the stress test and echo? I was anxious about the results and, ultimately, what my cardiologist would want to do. But that's a tale for the next segment.

Look for that segment next week, 10: The November Results.

10: Stress and Echo

I was incredibly nervous on the day of the stress test and echo. For one, I couldn't eat anything, nor could I take any medications. Not taking my meds is what made me the most nervous. I knew I could go a while without taking Glucophage and just take them later that day with food. Vitamins were no concern. But I was very nervous about not taking the Eliquis, especially the Cardizem. I was worried about what my heart might do without them in my system for a few hours.

The morning of the tests was the longest I had gone without taking Cardizem since July. I had been on the drug since the ER visit and hadn't missed a dose once. So, naturally, my blood pressure and pulse were all elevated that morning of the tests.

Although my anxiety had come down some the weeks leading up, this was a different kind than what I had been experiencing. I legitimately was worried I might have a panic attack at the cardiologist. Leslie accompanied me that morning and even drove just so my anxiety would be a little lower. It still didn't do much for my pulse or blood pressure.

I went back for the tests and got an IV site started for the stress test. They took my blood pressure, which was 140s/90s, but I didn't know my heart rate yet. When I went in for the stress test, they connected me to the leads to prepare to walk on the treadmill. After the tech hooked up all my leads, I saw my heart rate -121 beats per minute. The tech said, "Well if we don't get your heart rate down, we may not be doing this test. Have a seat." I thought, please cancel it! I did not want to do the test. I was so nervous something bad might happen. But I sat down, tried to relax for a few minutes, and even asked God to help me calm down.

Eventually, my heart rate came down to 99. By comparison, in May 2022, my heart rate was 76 before that stress test. I had no real concerns about the test then. For this stress test, I needed to reach the goal of 148 beats per minute. I had reached about 141 beats per minute a few times, walking in August, going up hills and such. Nothing happened bad then, so I thought, I can do this. So, I got on the treadmill, and the test began.

One issue with stress tests, they start you off incredibly slow. I know why they do this: to ensure there are no complications for the person doing the test. But, seriously, it was so slow I thought I might actually walk off the front of the treadmill before I reached the target heart rate. I was used to walking much faster than this. The tech eventually asked me to loosen my grip on the handle because I was going completely to white knuckles holding on to it. That wasn't helping with some of the readings coming up. With that pace, I only got my heart rate up into the 130s, but now she was increasing the elevation and speed. 

The funny part of this test was that I was getting frustrated with myself for not already getting my heart rate up to 148. The tech asked if I had been taking anything to lower my heart rate, and I told her yes, the Cardizem. Of course, I hadn't taken it that morning yet, so it must have been residual effects from the drug, making it take a little longer to reach the goal. Finally, after speeding up the treadmill and elevating it, I reached the goal of 148, and the test was concluded. It only took about 5 minutes, but it was about 3 minutes longer than the year before. If you're reading that, you know that's not bad in either case. I wasn't even breathing hard afterward.

From there, the testing was easy. You lie down for the echo so they can use an ultrasound to visualize the heart's internal structures and record the sounds present. The perfusion test has you lying down on your back with your arms over your head to determine if there is any indication of blockages within the arteries of your heart. In both cases, they can't tell you anything to let you know.

The tests' results would not be shared until November 1 in a follow-up visit. Now, it would be a wait-and-see deal, which can be just as agonizing as leading up to the tests themselves because you don't know anything. But some things came out of that test that helped me. For one, I had no issues with my heart during it or after. I felt good and got to the goal very quickly. I wasn't the least bit fatigued. All of these things said to me there's no blockage. I had even asked one of my relatives who I knew had a blockage once what it felt like. They told me a burning sensation was present, and thus far, I had no effect like that. I felt great, actually.

One thing that helped was receiving the perfusion test results that day. With the perfusion results, they can publish those electronically rather than scanning them in like they do with the echo. When those results came up, it said: Normal perfusion LVEF 59%.

Normal perfusion! That means no blockages were present, and my coronary arteries were good. LVEF means Left Ventricular Ejection Fraction, which is the percentage of your heart's ability to pump blood out of the left ventricle and into the rest of the body. Typically this ranges from 55-75 for a healthy EF. In 2022, my EF was 66%, but on July 14, the day after Afib, my EF was 50-55%, or low normal. Now, 3 months later, my EF was back up to 59%. I wasn't quite where I had been the year before, but I was back up, which is also a very good thing.

All signs pointed to good results in the follow-up visit, and I was so relieved. I was counting my blessings. It would still be nerve-wracking the day of the follow-up, but I believed only good things could come from it. I would have to wait until then to hear the echo results and know how my cardiologist felt about my heart.

Until then, it was time to enjoy the rest of October and the Fall Break to come. 

Tune in for the next segment, 10: Happy Halloween.

10: PTSD

 

Credit for photo: vecteezy

The ghosts of past trauma, in the middle of Spooky Season, in October. Appropriate somehow.

When you think of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), what comes to mind? For me, I think of military personnel whose nervous system has been pushed beyond the limit it can take, where they relive the agony of battle. Many military personnel for generations have experienced this under different names. George Carlin once referred to it as shell shock. Carlin brought this up during a comedy skit in a more serious tone, talking about the softness of language and how the more political terminology seemed to diminish the conditions military service personnel sometimes experienced.

But in today's world, because of people like Carlin and other political activists calling attention to PTSD more, the condition is taken more seriously, especially after the film American Sniper. The film showed the effects of PTSD on Chris Kyle, played by Bradley Cooper. The point was not only to show what happened in his life, ultimately leading to his untimely death but also to show how serious PTSD can be and how it goes well beyond even military personnel.

PTSD is a condition that can happen to anyone, and in a mild way, it happened to me.

I didn't expect to hear those letters when I met with my primary care provider in mid-October. Mainly because I was deluding myself. The day before my appointment, I considered canceling it because I thought I would be fine without talking about it. But I was wrong. During a walk that afternoon, I could feel the tension building up in my chest. Eventually, I felt like my heart jumped in my chest, which scared me. I went inside and reported the symptoms on my monitor, but when the cardiologist called me back, they said my heart rate was normal sinus rhythm. There was no issue. I was freaking out again, although this time, I was handling better.

That was when I knew I needed to talk to someone. I was going to continue upsetting myself day after day and week after week until I wouldn't be able to function if I didn't try something. So, the day before my stress test and echocardiogram, I went to my provider.

During the visit, the tears flowed. Crying is a good thing for you healthwise. It releases that tension and helps you to begin to cope with the truth of situations happening. Right from the start of the conversation, my provider said I had a mild form of PTSD because I just kept reliving the experience of July 13. My stress would increase dramatically if my heart did anything I deemed unusual. This happened with a full-blown panic attack on Labor Day. High anxiety was present leading up to the loop monitor insertion. My blood pressure going up in late September freaked me out again, with another panic attack. PTSD can actually cause a type of panic attack all its own. It can occur from flashbacks like a military service person might experience, but emotions and memories can all contribute to causing one as well. Despite not having any Afib for months, the memories of that day haunted me, and it was a traumatic event that made us change everything we were doing that day and beyond.

When she said that, I broke down more about everything that had been bothering me since before Covid caused the Afib. My stress had been through the roof for the six months prior, worrying bout finances, things at work, and how things were going with my family, particularly with my daughter Abby. We argued a lot over the years. Even more, since she turned 10 years old. I hated myself for allowing those interactions to happen, and I wanted to do something to try and help myself and my family. I needed to do something because all the Afib had done was reveal how strong my anxiety truly was at that point.

For that reason, my provider started me on Lexapro, a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI). SSRIs generally are used for depression and anxiety. I knew if my anxiety kept going unchecked without anything, it would ultimately lead to depression. I wasn't there yet, but it was going that way. I knew it was, and I accepted it. I would try anything to help me feel more like me again. But it went beyond just an SSRI.

I was already starting to adapt my mindset before the visit. Changes in behavior are essential, not just medication. The medication helps, but you have to adjust your body and mind to what is happening to you. Just like I had with my diet and exercise when I learned about the A1c of 10. In fact, I had lost about 5 pounds the day I went to see my provider since making changes to my diet in September to try and help myself. That was a very good thing to do for me and my mindset, too. There's never anything wrong with helping yourself and doing self-care. Now, I would spend weeks trying to regulate myself a bit better. But on this day, I had to think about only one thing: the upcoming stress test and echo. They would be the following day, and my anxiety was high because I was so nervous about what the results might be.

Tune in next time for the next segment, 10: Stress and Echo.

10: Count Your Blessings

 

It's been a little bit since I mentioned having dreams. The last time I had a wakeful moment discerning a voice was in August 2023 with the "It's time" statement. By October, though, it was more of a dream.

The vivid dreams stopped in March 2021, but this one was different. It was a vivid voice inside the dream, making me aware of something important.

One night in October, as I lay comfortably in bed, I heard a voice talking to me directly about my situation. There was no question I was still highly anxious about the Afib since July. I was set to meet with my Primary Care Provider about things I could do for stress and would soon have the stress test and echo completed, but that was still over a week away when the dream occurred.

The voice sounded like a man's but said something that I had heard my mother try to tell me multiple times during the previous three months.

"The medications are helping your heart. Count your blessings."

After hearing this statement, I woke up immediately. I had this amazing sense of peace when I woke up like I hadn't felt in previous weeks or months. It was revitalizing. Count your blessings. That's the best phrase that could have happened during this time. But also suggesting my medications were helping was a huge piece, too. I had believed the medications were helping, but I kept worrying, what if they don't anymore? Those negative thoughts can be so pervasive. Nothing indicated that the medications were not working or wouldn't continue to work at that point in time. My heart was being regulated. The meds were also helping my blood pressure, and I didn't have to take Hydralazine anymore. On this day, my anxiety plummeted and carried me on through the remainder of that week.

Count your blessings. That one phrase helped to reshape my mindset even more. Ever since that day, if negative thoughts crept in, I would remind myself to count my blessings. That's one phrase I'll keep doing from now until the end of time. Scripture has something to say about counting your blessings.

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all you need, you will abound in every good work"-2 Corinthians 9:8

My mom had tried to help me see this verse and other things for years leading up to that day. I would come home and complain about things quite a bit. I would get so angry about things, many of which were out of my control. I would worry about things that the added stress did no good. In fact, I was convinced my stress leading up to July 13 contributed to the Afib as much as Covid. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't let things go. My anxiety was beyond belief, even before Afib, and I feel it is no surprise that a physical problem manifested.

I had Covid before, after all, and did not get Afib. My stress was significantly worse by July 2023.

My mom's favorite way to remind me to count my blessings was a song she learned when she was younger:

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your blessings, see what God hath done;

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

See the rest of the lyrics here.

That's the best song in the whole wide world. God has blessed me immeasurably, which is why I used the image in this post today. My greatest blessing is my family and the happiness we share. I can never forget that and will never forget that.

After this day, my spirits were high, and I felt confident about the upcoming tests and visits. I felt I would be okay, but as you can imagine, my anxiety still was trying to creep in from time to time. That's when I visited my Primary Care Provider and shared with her some of the things I felt were contributing to my concerns. They let me know the root cause of my concerns.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: PTSD.