10: Resolutions

"Look, I'm not stupid, you know. They cannot make things like that yet."

"Not yet, not for about 40 years."

A favorite part of mine from the 1984 film The Terminator. In the scene, Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor discuss the plausibility of a cyborg, part man and part machine, coming after her from the future. That future they were both referring to is the year 2024. This year, today. Although we still have a while before we see if the future of the film could be plausible in 2029, right now, it's clear that some things were just make-believe.

It's always fun to think about what will come in the future. Because the future is unknown, we sometimes worry too much, which is probably why Jesus said not to focus on it. Most of the time, people think of all the negative possibilities that could arise, like artificial intelligence (AI) either destroying or enslaving humanity. But right now, the most sophisticated AI available can only write a paper for you and possibly trick a professor into believing it was a real person who wrote it. Hardly a humanity destroyer or an overlord.

So, instead, it is best to look at the here and now more than what the future holds. Many of the films I grew up loving have seen their years come and go now, like Blade Runner, Back to the Future II, The Island, The Terminator Franchise, and even some journeys back in time by Star Trek have been proven untrue. Our future is truly whatever we make of it, so let's make it a good one, to quote Doc Brown.

Going into 2024, I had this renewed sense of presence, and feeling of positivity, more than I ever had before. I couldn't say that for many years prior to this, especially since 2020. The year 2020 alone was completely forgettable, other than the good things you tried to focus on amidst the growing turmoil of the world. The year 2021 started with a full-on revolt in America and then my own personal health issues. The year 2022 started a sense of dread for me as well, as I was finishing my dissertation and felt all of that pressure, but I also felt a lot of negativity surrounding the year, despite any good. The year 2023 wasn't much better. Stress, anger, and uncertainty were abounding that year. Although I had no more dreams of consequence after March 2021, I felt a certain sense of uneasiness throughout 2023 that culminated in the Afib of July.

After the Afib, though, things began to change. Although stress and uncertainty were still there, I did have two moments that made me focus on something else: my blessings. First, there was the it's time comment in a sleep/wake moment, and then the dream to count my blessings. That is followed by the encounter with an angel. All of these things happened after the Afib and were progressing me in a new direction for my life. Maybe not new, but a more sustainable and important one.

Unlike with my sugar issues, where the dreams and encounters seemed like warnings of impending doom, these encounters since August 2023 have been one of hope and what is to come.

It was time for me to start believing in what is good, pure, and wholesome for my life and to not dwell on things that take away from that life. Because of that, I've done a number of things to help put myself in a better place as the calendar rolled over from December 31, 2023, to January 1, 2024.

There's more joy in my life at the start of 2024 than there has been in recent years. I'm not worrying like I once did, even a few months ago, because what good does it do anyway? I'm enjoying my time with my family more and more each day that passes. I look forward to being at work and doing my best job while supporting those around me like I never have before. I'm truly trying to be all that I can be now. I feel peaceful and content. That's not to say there still aren't moments of frustration, but I handle them better, forgive more quickly, and reason things out more rationally than before. I'm more open-minded now than I have been but with a narrow focus on what is truly important.

I say all of this because as we started 2024, I decided to make some resolutions. We all do that to some degree, typically things like losing weight or exercising more. But these resolutions I wanted to share could be life-changing in ways I might not possibly imagine until they occur. So, here is my New Year's Resolution list for 2024:

1. Be happy, assured, present, and joy-filled this year and beyond. I love the song Joy by for King and Country. I've been playing it a lot since August 2023. It fills my heart with happiness and has quite a catchy beat. Listen to it sometime when you have the chance, if you never have. 

2. Embrace the unknown possibilities. Whether it be a new way of looking at something, a new career opportunity, or a trip of a lifetime, whatever the case may be, I don't need to dwell on the how but the when. They will happen when you least expect it and be ready to embrace those opportunities when they arise.

3. Specifically for me, I want work to be good in 2024. Whether it's working with my teammates on a grant project I'm on, the members of the Virtual Reality and Nature Lab, my coworkers at the School of Nursing, or simply people at church, the organizations I serve, I want it all to go well this year. Re-ignite that passion for the profession I serve and grow stalwart nurses who can carry things forward. But most importantly, help people in sickness and in health.

4. For my family to be happy, healthy, and whole, and the chance to show God how much we love and honor Him. Back in December, my daughter professed her faith in Jesus Christ one night, and as the new year began, my son did the same. For the first time in their lives, they acknowledged what Christ had done for them on their own, on separate days even, so as to not give glory to me or anyone else for why they chose to do it. That's salvation! Now, as a family, we'll be being baptized at NewSpring on March 17, a rededication for my wife and me and my children's profession of faith for them all their own. It will be a great day and something I am truly blessed to share in.

5. For me, don't let negativity creep back in. Whether it's a political campaign or the tug of something from the past trying to wield its saber at me, there's no place for the negativity anymore. Unfortunately, negatives are all around, but it is up to how you choose to dwell on it. I've dwelled too much on the negative and need to accentuate the positives in my life. I'm sure this aspect will be an ongoing battle within me for many years to come. But making that change starts now, in 2024, and I'll work to maintain it for all time. I don't need to let things destroy relationships, ruin friendships, or cause great loss. I need to mend those relationships, enduring friendships, and create great gains. 

I think those are good, don't you? One thing I'm grateful for already, the prognosticators of the make-believe world of The Terminator were wrong. The only thing a computer has ever done to me is crash or pick up a virus. That was annoying, but at least it wasn't Skynet ending me. Those were fun movies to watch and rewatch, but it's more fun to watch the path my children, family, friends, and colleagues all take instead.

That's what I look forward to more in 2024 than anything. Less division, more unity. I can't wait to see what unfolds.

In the meantime, I hope your resolutions happen how they are meant to and that 2024 is the best year yet for everyone. After all, we've been through, we have earned a better year than some in recent history. Let's make it a good one.

Tune in next time for 10: Joy.

10: Jacksonville

As the holiday season progressed, my anxiety stayed up some, but it was manageable. Despite my heart being in good shape and no signs of Covid, I was still quite nervous about going to Jacksonville.

My A1c was also doing well, but I was still trying to maintain good eating and exercise habits through the holidays. I had the occasional sweets because it was Christmas, after all. You have to indulge in some of the good things in life during the holidays, like Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes! Those are the absolute best!! I also had some ice cream and chocolate chip cookies, but I did my best to limit the amount of such things and not overindulge.

Despite all of the happiness, I was still worried about Jacksonville. I didn't want to go, which was the fear consuming me. The trip to Jacksonville was our big Christmas gift for the family and a huge one for Abby, as she is a big-time Jaguars fan. But something else happened that was unexpected and now made the trip that much more interesting.

The college football bowl season was about to commence, and Clemson was being selected to play in a bowl game again. During the season, my family and I were set to attend the North Carolina vs. Clemson game in November, but ticket issues arose. Although I ordered the tickets plenty of time for the game, I had yet to receive them and had to cancel. We were refunded our money, but disappointed. But right as they started to make the selections for the bowl games after the conference championships had ended, I looked at one particular game. The Gator Bowl was slated to be played in Jacksonville on December 29, the same weekend we planned to attend the Jaguars game on December 31.

Would it be cool if Clemson played in the Gator Bowl? What would be the odds that both the college and professional teams my daughter loves would be playing in the same stadium, in the same city, on the same weekend? I knew it could happen, but there were other factors to consider. One, Clemson had a rough season by prior season standards. They were 8-4 and struggled quite a bit earlier in the season. They also finished behind Florida State, NC State, and Louisville, which meant some other teams could land the spot. I didn't know if it would work out, but I hoped it might.

Then, I received the notification of Clemson vs. Kentucky in the Taxslayer Gator Bowl on Friday, December 29, 2023. I couldn't believe it but knew it was meant to be. Despite my fears, I bought tickets right away and knew then we were supposed to go to Jacksonville. When I told Leslie, her jaw hit the floor! We were so excited. As a family, we got to go to our first college bowl game and first NFL game.

Christmas day came, and we enjoyed sharing the kids' presents, but none were more well-received than the Jacksonville trip. In fact, we all got various styles of Jaguars jerseys for Christmas to wear to the game. This weekend was our big football weekend! We couldn't wait to go.

Ironically enough, Leslie was all for reducing similarities to the trip in July where Afib occurred. We were still leaving on the same day the Afib happened but at a different time of the month. We were also taking Leslie's Highlander this time and leaving the Ram at home. We thought a smaller car would be easier to maneuver around Jacksonville anyway. Lastly, Leslie was willing to drive down all the way if needed. We were also not going through Columbia, SC.

How can you get to Jacksonville and not go through Columbia, South Carolina? Well, you can choose the route through Augusta instead. That route was only 20 minutes longer than the Columbia route, showing it wasn't a big issue. Plus, we would see a more scenic route than driving so much on the interstates. That worked for me, and I sat back, taking in my surroundings.

I can't recall riding in the car's back seat in recent years while driving on a vacation. In fact, the last time I had done that was probably in high school. I've been driving my parents and family most places for decades now, so this was odd not being behind the wheel. My biggest concern was whether stress would open up issues if I drove down? When I was driving to Hilton Head in July, I was going about my usual driving routine. We went through Columbia, of course, and everything seemed fine. Then, I had that unusual feeling that initially seemed like premature ventricular contractions (PVCs), but they were incredibly packed together. I realized that it wasn't PVCs but my heart racing. I still have flashbacks of that moment sometimes, especially if I feel anything weird in my chest, like muscle spasms or even PVCs. It was terrifying to have your heart beat that rapidly for no reason.

But as we drove to Jacksonville, my pulse was fine. I was checking it every 5 minutes, but it was never rapid. An excellent, steady rate and rhythm. Normal Sinus Rhythm (NSR) which is what we all want. I took a brief nap, but Leslie needed my help navigating, too. Eventually, we made it to Jacksonville, which was a beautiful sight.

Once we were down there and I knew everything was fine, I drove us everywhere. I drove us to and from the stadium. I walked up the ramps effortlessly. I enjoyed every minute of it, especially the Clemson game. The Clemson vs. Kentucky game was insane, especially in the 4th quarter. It came down to whoever had the ball last would most likely win. Fortunately, when Kentucky had the ball one last time, Clemson intercepted to end the game. However, it was freezing that day. We were all freezing as we sat there watching Clemson attempt victory.

Because of the cold conditions of the game that Friday, we stayed in our room mainly on Saturday. I was worried about Leslie getting sick because she coughed her poor head off the whole day. We ordered food, stayed in the warm, climate-controlled comfort of our room, and watched bowl games and movies all day. This includes the Georgia 63-3 drubbing of Florida State, which relinquished Clemson from owning the worst bowl game loss in college football history in 2011.

By Sunday, Leslie felt some better and wanted to go to the Jaguars' game. After spending the time and money to come down to it, she didn't want to leave without going for some of it. I was still concerned, not about me now, but about her. I didn't want her or the kids to get sick from sitting in the cold, and I knew I would be driving back from Jacksonville to home. But everyone wanted to go, and I put it in God's hands to help me through the day. The Jaguar's game was fantastic, and as it turned out, it was the final game the team won for the 2023 season. At halftime, we left with the score 9-0, but Jacksonville went on to win 26-0 over the Carolina Panthers. That meant for the weekend, we saw both of the teams we pulled for during the games. That was a charming weekend and meant so much to my family, especially Abby.

The drive back was fun, too. As I drove around the same way we came, I could feel my anxiety reducing rapidly. I felt calm, at peace, and happy again. Going home on New Year's Eve, especially at night, does seem like an arduous task, but we left the game early so we wouldn't be pushing midnight to get home. As we drove home, we drove more on back roads than highways, and we saw so many houses with their Christmas lights lit up. I had not taken down our Christmas lights before we left, planning to do so after we returned. Seeing these lights on inspired me to turn our lights on as soon as we arrived. 

Once we were home, without any incident, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had overcome my fears of traveling. I felt more like me again. For this reason, 2024 would be a much better year than I could imagine. I just needed something to bring it all together. It was a fun final weekend of 2023, but I couldn't wait to see what will be in 2024.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: Resolutions.

10: Touched by an Angel

It was December 17, 2023.

I walked into NewSpring Church and admired the beautiful Christmas decorations in the center atrium outside the main sanctuary/auditorium. All the trees and lights looked gorgeous, as you can see below:

I love looking at Christmas trees. One of my favorite things to do is sit in front of the tree at my home, my parent's home, anywhere, and just stare at them. Especially if they have transitional lights with alternating colors or movements. It is so soothing to me to watch the lights change. In this case, I was simply taking a picture of the beautiful trees.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a man sitting on the bench just out of view. I didn't take real notice of him at first because he was simply sitting there by himself. I positioned myself to not include him in the pic so he wouldn't think I was taking a picture of him. I did notice, though, he looked over at me as I lined up my camera to take the picture. After taking the picture, I started posting it to my story, as I so often do at church, to recognize the beauty and another week of going to church. As I did this, the man approached me.

Then I heard, "I like that hat."

The words came from the man approaching me, and I looked up from my phone to see him. He was an average-height man, with an average build, about like me, with a slight beard, wearing a ball cap himself with brown and white coloring. He had on a jacket, brownish-to-tan pants and a white-ish shirt. He had a nice smile as he approached me, and I could see happiness on his face. He was very pleasant as he approached me. I had never seen him before at church, which is not hard to believe at a church the size of NewSpring.

I was wearing my Atlanta Braves City Connect hat on this particular day, one of my favorite hats since I bought it. My mind thought maybe this guy is a Braves fan? But I didn't make any reference to the Braves or anything about them. I just simply smiled and replied, "Thank you."

He extended his hand to me and introduced himself, "My name is Thomas."

I looked down at his hand and extended my hand to shake it. I told him my name. "It's a pleasure to meet you." He continued to smile and then released my hand. After that, he simply walked away.

I turned to my wife, and she said, "He seemed like a nice man." I agreed with her. I turned back around to see if he was still there, and he was gone.

I looked around the room several times in the atrium, assuming I would spot him in the crowd somewhere, but I never saw him again. It was like he had disappeared.

Do you remember the show Touched By An Angel? It was a series back in the 1990s that showed an angel going to people on Earth and sending messages of hope and guidance from God at times with those individuals were facing problems, tough decisions, or were at a crossroads in their lives, from the Wikipedia page. 

I do believe that angels are all around us and that the spiritual realm is not far away. Sometimes, angels have visited people throughout history, particularly in the Bible, to reassure, guide, or help individuals at pivotal moments in their lives. One such time was Joseph and Mary's pregnancy with Jesus. Matthew 1:18-25 recounts how Joseph became dismayed by the pregnancy and wanted to divorce Mary quietly so as to not embarrass her, but an angel came to restore him and help him understand the good news of Jesus coming into the world as a baby. Then, Joseph accepted Jesus as his son to raise, nurture, and protect him. 

But this story was significant for me, as it was part of the message that day in the service speaking about the visitation of an angel, as God With Us for the lesson of the season. Almost immediately after the man I met disappeared, I began thinking, was that an angel? I told my mother what had happened. She tried looking around some more for the man in the crowd, but we couldn't find him. She believed he was an angel, too. I began to tear up because I believed the angel was sent for one reason: as a message from God to help me.

My stress was rising throughout the Christmas season. I was very worried about the trip, about a number of things. Although I was counting my blessings, I was still struggling with things related to my heart, and in particular, driving several hours away after the same experience months earlier led to something concerning. I didn't want the Afib to return during a trip somewhere, although I needed to remember Covid was a primary catalyst for what occurred. But stress played a factor too, and my stress was ever mounting. I was seriously contemplating canceling the trip, which my family did not know.

But as my eyes began filling with tears as I walked into church, I realized things would be ok. I didn't need to be afraid. It was then that the first song played that morning was Hark! The Harold Angel Sings. I cried more with that utterance. Then, the story of Joseph and his reassurance from an angel was part of the lesson that morning. I cried some more. In fact, I had forgotten that Joseph was visited in a dream, much like I had been visited the previous 2 years through dreams trying to help me. This time, though, the Holy Spirit did something reminiscent of what Jesus encountered in the Garden of Gethsemane. Luke 22:43 recounts the moment of Jesus' agony with what lay ahead, pleading with his Father to remove this bitter cup from him. But that was not the will of the Father, nor Jesus' will, as the plan to be carried out was of the utmost importance for all of humanity. For that reason, an angel simply showed up to strengthen him from touch alone.

This moment for Jesus is one of my favorite moments of all time from the Bible and a scene I loved performing in The Journey to the Resurrection at Trinity United Methodist Church many years ago. The garden scene shows both Jesus' human side and godly side. He's both a man and God at the same time because with what he came to face afterward, only God could have carried out.

Why would an angel visit me at that moment to simply reassure me? And the name Thomas. Was that the Apostle Thomas, also known as Doubting Thomas? Well, who knows. How awesome would it be to be visited by an actual apostle? But I don't know that. He was some one I had never seen and was sent for different reasons than those of Jesus or Joseph. I'm certainly no Jesus, and I'm not here for the purpose He was by any means. But I was in a place of uncertainty for my life. The thing about going on this trip is that I really needed to do that for me. To overcome my fear of something that had happened just 5 months earlier. I needed to learn that nothing bad was going to come from this. But perhaps there was more to it. I needed to be reassured that my heart was truly fine because I have lots of work to do ahead. For my family, career, and, more importantly, God. I don't know what lies ahead for me, but I do know I can't move forward to anything with a spirit of fear. 

The reassurance that the angel brought me that day was simply to not be afraid. He was restoring me to where I needed to be, much like Jesus. I wasn't sent here to save humanity or be the father of the savior of the world, but I was sent here for a reason. I'm only beginning to realize that reason as I keep moving forward, and with that, it will take being willing to step outside of fear to actualize what is to come. This image also reflects how I feel about the future:

I love that line from Back to the Future III, but I'd add one thing to it: in Christ. Christ sent an angel to strengthen me for what was to come. Where uncertainty resides now, there is resolve. God is always with us, and I look towards the future now with reassurance.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: Jacksonville.

10: Holiday Season

It's the Holiday Season!

It truly was the most wonderful time of the year after the great results of November. The heart and sugars had checked out fine, and now it was on to the happiest time you can have.

But also the most stressful.

Christmas time is always stressful, regardless of how things are going for you physically, mentally, or spiritually. The stress of the season (gift giving and buying, parties, meals, serving, church gatherings, etc.) is high. I was coming to grips with that from two fronts.

One had to do with the fact I was stressing about the holiday season, which made my anxiety a bit higher. But the other piece had to do with a special Christmas gift I was giving my family. My daughter is a huge fan of Trevor Lawrence. She has been since his days with Clemson. Of course, this also makes her a big fan of the Jacksonville Jaguars. In May of 2023, I decided to purchase tickets to take the whole family to Jacksonville to see the Carolina Panthers (another favorite team of Abby's) take on Trevor and the Jaguars. Abby is a HUGE football fan. She likes watching every possible game she can see. A true aficionado. So, I knew a gift like this for her and the rest of the family would be thrilling. My son Charlie had even asked during the summer if we could go to Florida this year after two years of going to Pigeon Forge at Christmas. I remember thinking, why yes, we can, even as I told him we'll have to see.

All of this was great, but there was one problem. All of the plans were made before the Afib episode in July. Since July 2023, I hadn't been anywhere beyond Clemson, Greenville, and Anderson for 5 months! This issue of the trip created even more stress for me, and my anxiety was climbing.

I didn't want to cancel the trip, but wasn't overly enthusiastic about going either. Going on this trip was a true issue for me. The last time I went on vacation somewhere, the Afib struck as I was driving. So, naturally, the thought of driving 6 hours plus to Jacksonville wasn't something I was looking forward to doing. It's amazing how things can change in a short time, 5 months, that's all. Back in May 2023, I was more than willing to drive somewhere like that over and over again if needed. Since, though, I was sometimes nervous to drive to work, much less 6 hours away.

Even with the Lexapro, I could feel my tension rising. I was starting to have anxiety waves again and hadn't had those for a few weeks. It was unnerving to seem to be regressing. During a meeting in the middle of December, I felt a panic wave come on and got scared I was going to have a full-blown panic attack again. However, that didn't happen. In fact, the meeting and day were wonderful. I would pray to God when these feelings would happen, hoping they would subside. Even my mom and wife would pray to help me, too, as I would text them when things of this nature occurred. 

But I began to think to myself, the reason you had Afib in July was primarily due to Covid. Before that day, I had never had Afib, and all indications were that I was heart-healthy. This issue with Afib was just a season. I hadn't had Afib since July, either, so my heart was doing fine. I was most likely worrying needlessly because I was nervous about driving a long distance away. What I needed was some reassurance. 

I didn't know that reassurance would come in the most unlikely forms.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: Touched by an Angel.