10: What Dreams May Come Part 3

You've heard the song, Turn Around, Look at Me. The lyrics go something like this:

"There is someone walking behind you

Turn around, look at me
There is someone watching your footsteps
Turn around, look at me"

It's one of the creepiest songs you'll ever hear, made even more creepy during the film Final Destination 3 in 2006. The Vogues nailed creepiness for all time with the song. It was fitting to include it in a horror film with the imminent threat of death looming with every character in the movie. 

We all get creeped out occasionally, whether walking down a lonely stretch of walkway or simply going to the bathroom down the hall. That eerie sense that someone or something is near you becomes more than present sometimes. Sometimes it's because we get spooked by stories of ghosts and goblins.

When I was a kid, my parents owned a shop called Innervisions. They rented a large, white mansion-looking home for their business. However, the house reminded me of the Amityville Horror house from the movies. It was very old, with many nooks and crannies that let the imagination run wild. From the claustrophobic back stairwell to the basement below, this house gave the feeling of being haunted very easily.

One night my mother was alone in the shop while my dad and I were watching The Last Star Fighter at the movies. I believe she still had to work, and Dad wanted to take me to see it, so Mom stayed to finish and straighten things up until we left the movie. She went about her business, cleaning up and getting ready for us to arrive to pick her up when she took a stroll down the hallway. As she did, she felt the presence of someone behind her. You know that sense, right? You can feel someone near you at that moment as if walking directly behind you. Then my mom felt breath on her neck. At least what she thought was breath. Naturally, she assumed this was my Dad sneaking up on her, and she turned to confront him. 

The only problem was...no one was there.

Mom was alone in the house, staring down an empty, dark hallway, and she distinctly felt the presence of another person breathing on her neck. My mom said she got goosebumps and ran into the bathroom, locking herself in until we came to pick her up.

I remember Dad getting frustrated that my Mom wouldn't answer the door right away as we stood outside. Apparently, he had left his key to the shop inside with her and couldn't open the door from the outside. So, he banged hard on the back and then the house's front door to get her to let us in. All the while, back inside, Mom was afraid to come out because of what she had experienced.

Eventually, my Mom heard my Dad fussing outside and knew it was him, and ran down the stairs and through the house to us waiting on her. She immediately wanted to leave. For this reason, as I grew up, I never wanted to be alone in that house at night. I was not sad at all when my parents wanted to move into a new place for their business and said goodbye to Innervisions. The place was creepy to me.

I do scare easily, and I'm afraid of the dark to this day. I don't even like being alone in my own home sometimes, let alone at night. When that happens, I sometimes run to reach my final destination.

I love that movie franchise too. The film's producers took everything in life and turned it into a way you could die. Everything from airplanes, race tracks, bridges, highway accidents, and roller coasters are the big events at the film's beginning. It doesn't include the kitchens, drive-throughs, showers, apartments, movie theaters, escalators, gyms, swimming pools, elevators, fences, Lasik eye surgeries, tanning beds, and dentist's offices you could die in too. Whoever thought they could actually die at a dental visit??? It could happen if the building collapsed on you. Yeah, that happened, too, in the movies.

The notion of something or someone sneaking up behind you, stalking you has always terrified people. But in this dream, something was after me. I've heard that if you dream of being chased, you're running from some sort of stress in real life. But in this dream, I wasn't being chased. I was being stalked. And in this case, it caught me.

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Dream Three: "There is Someone Walking Behind You" (May 4, 2020, 7 AM)

I was at my grandparent's house on Johanna Circle in Anderson. I could see the den and kitchen area with the air conditioning unit in the window, as they customarily were back in the 1980s. But this was not the past again. It was the present day, and my parents and I were over at Johanna Circle visiting my grandparents, Maw Maw, and Paw Paw.

Maw Maw was in the kitchen cooking like she so often did, and Paw Paw was up walking around the den as I started making my way down the hallway to the bedrooms. The house on Johanna Circle was small but lovely. It still had three bedrooms, two baths, and a laundry area, and was quite nice for a small family. Perfect for Maw Maw and Paw Paw.

I could hear Mom and Dad in the bathroom down the hall and went to go ask them something as they were getting cleaned up and flossing together. Like, actual flossing, not the dance. Cleaning their teeth.

They both exited the bathroom when they finished, and I saw my Mom look at me. I was still coming down the hallway, which seemed unusually long. This was not a long house, but my walk down the hall took longer. Then I saw the look on my mother's face.

My mom's eyes got wide, and her face seemed pale. She looked terrified and was looking beyond me. She told my Dad to go toward the back bedroom on the other side of the hall, which he did. When she got to that room, she closed the door slightly, putting the door between her and the hallway, which included me. I then asked my Mom what was wrong.

"Someone's behind you."

I could hear Maw Maw and Paw Paw in the room behind me talking but in the distance. Then, I could feel someone behind me. I could feel them standing right there, so I spun around.

There was no one there. It was just an empty hallway, with light coming in from the outside through the windows, and I could still hear Maw Maw and Paw Paw talking. I went into the bathroom that was now dark, where my parents had been, and turned on the light. No one was there. 

This ended the dream.

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A few things about the setting:

1. The house on Johanna Circle had been in the family since 1981 until the mid-2010s. My grandparents, Maw Maw and Paw Paw, lived there until 2007, when they moved in with my parents. They started renting the house after that until they sold it. So, unfortunately, I couldn't get a picture of the hallway in that house for this post. Thus, the image you see is from my own home.

2. Returning to that house on Johanna Circle had more to do with seeing Maw Maw and Paw Paw again. Maw Maw died in 2012, and Paw Paw in 2019. What I experienced in the dream, however, was not a memory. They were alive and well as if still living today, just like Niney had been in the current day. My parents and I were apparently at their house visiting them, as we often did.

3. My parents cleaning their teeth was a funny moment in the dream. My parents have always been adamant about dental hygiene. They always made sure I went to the dentist growing up and continue to do so to this day. So hearing them do that was a fun moment. However, the rest of the interaction was much different. In the dream, my mom looked past me with wide eyes. She did this sort of thing in jest to me all the time growing up. It was to get a scare out of me as a child. But this time, the look was all too real. It was the look I imagine she had at the shop that night when she turned around to find no one standing there. Terrified, to say the least. She even ran away to hide, leaving me in the process. This is not how things might have gone in real life, as my Mom would have stayed with me. What that told me in the dream, something awful was coming up behind me.

4. Turning around to find nothing didn't really scare me in the dream. It was unnerving, but I wasn't afraid. I was confused. That's why I went into the bathroom to try to find whatever was behind me, but nothing was there also. But something had been behind me. I would have never doubted my Mom for saying that. If she saw something there, then it was there. But where did it go?

5. You might recall me saying this dream occurred on Star Wars Day. You may have been expecting Yoda or someone to appear in the dream, but the date was inconsequential. That day just happened to be the day the dream occurred. But two old, wise people were there in my dream that I adored and respected most of my life. My parents were also there, like masters overseeing me, as I was their apprentice. The dream had similarities to Luke's walk into the cave where he confronted Vader. However, in my case, there was no Vader to be found. The enemy was within and was only beginning to show itself.

That enemy was overtaking everything, and with the final dream, it revealed itself as the monster that it truly was...

10: What Dreams May Come Part 2

 Do you remember the movie Something Wicked This Way Comes?

This was a Ray Bradbury novel turned into a movie in 1983. I remember watching that film as a kid and being just as entranced as some townspeople within the film. It wasn't an overly scary film but it had a deep, darker meaning. Concerns over aging, being different, and ultimately fear itself. The carousel was the scariest part as it sped up and caused a person to age, and in one scene, the person aged rapidly until their body began to decay.

That's similar to my dreams from 2019-2021, albeit quite different from the film or the book. As I said before, the dreams get darker with each iteration. In that sense, it reminds me of the woes of Revelation. Each woe got progressively worse as people experienced what was happening or what was to come. Likewise was the case for me, as these four woes of my dreams pointed towards a future issue I was unaware of.

In 2019, the dream seemed like something surreal. Fleeting, but the details remained with me. That made the dream different. Nearly two years would pass before I understood exactly what the dream that year meant. 

Now the time is April 2020. As you can imagine, having bizarre dreams seemed normal then. In fact, with how bizarre reality had become, with lockdowns, a highly contagious virus, political turmoil, and societal unrest that were only beginning to brew, a dream was normal and better. True colors came out in 2020, lines were drawn, and the result was a world shaken to its core by uncertainty. 

That should come as no surprise that the next two dreams were in close succession, a week apart. The content of the dreams was, well, you'll find out shortly. Why don't we get rolling with what comes next....

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Dream Two: "Someone is Here" (April 27, 2020, 6:15 AM)

I was outside in my parent's backyard on Bellview again. It was a bright, sunny day and felt like springtime. That again led me to believe it was the current day. As I was tending to something in my parent's backyard, I looked back up toward their house and saw through the glass door that separates the house from the patio. What I saw inside the house I couldn't believe.

Standing in the center of my parent's den was a white figure. This wasn't a white man or woman, but a solid white apparition-looking being. This being appeared luminescent, almost glowing, and the demeanor made me think of someone having thrown a sheet over their whole body. 

This figure startled me as I looked into the house. I also saw my dad come into view and walk up beside the being. I was stunned. A ghostly figure was standing within inches of my father in his den. I had no choice but to run into the house to see what this being or person might be. From my perspective, it was, in fact, a ghost.

I charged through the screen door, flinging it open, and through the kitchen into the den. But as I walked into the den, the ghost was gone. I anxiously looked around the room, noting that the overhead light was on, and Leslie and my dad were still standing there. I was frantically looking around, spinning in circles to find this being. I remember saying, "Something is in here!"

But after I uttered that, Leslie grabbed my attention from across the room. As I stared at her, Leslie began to convulse while standing. Her arms were moving bizarrely, and she mumbled incoherent sounds. No words, just distorted noises. She was moving across the room towards me and then away as I came over and started to reach for her. My dad was looking on, as he couldn't understand what she was doing either. 

As I grabbed hold of Leslie, that's when she collapsed to the ground. I guided her body to the floor, watching her eyes roll back in her head. She looked the same way she appeared the day she passed out on me in the elevator at AnMed Health. That day at the hospital, Leslie had labs drawn but hadn't eaten anything yet. She was squeamish about blood, and she passed out after having the needle taken out and blood drawn. This had happened to her once before, before our dating. That moment in the elevator was the only time it happened with me present. Now, she passed out again and almost acted like she was having a seizure.

As Leslie lay there, convulsing, I yelled for my dad to get help and stood back up for a second. When I stood up, I began yelling, "Something's in here! Something's in here!"

Suddenly everything went black. I couldn't see anything. It was like the room, and everything in it had vanished. In the darkness and silence, I heard a voice say, "Someone is here. Someone is here."

After hearing that phrase, I woke up from my dream. When I did, I was lying in bed at my parent's house, in the Clemson bed pictured above. I lay there for a second, processing the sound of the voice in the phrase. It was unrecognizable to me. But as I replayed the sound of the voice in my head, something odd happened. This energy wave shot out from the center of my body and went through me in all directions, head to toe. The wave originated from the center mass of my chest and abdomen, below where the xiphoid process is located on the bottom of the sternum. 

This wave shot out twice. The only way to describe the wave was like a sense of dread. Have you ever had a sense of dread that sends a sensation through your whole body, maybe because you're nervous or scared of something? That's what this felt like, only much more intensely. This felt like something sent a pressure wave through my soul. I didn't move until things settled down, and the sensation disappeared. After it did, I was fine.

A bizarre dream, in a bizarre time, with an equally bizarre reaction. But the phrase was something haunting. "Someone is here. Someone is here." What did that mean, who said it, and who is here?

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A few things about the setting:

1. April 27 was the anniversary of Leslie and I going on our first date in 2001. That reason alone made me think the significance centered around Leslie more than me. April 2020 was her 40th birthday, 11 days earlier. The lockdowns from the pandemic messed up any birthday plans we had for her that year because everything was shut down. So, my thoughts dwelled on Leslie and my concerns about her. I was worried something bad was happening to her or would.

2. The ghost figure was as tall as a man or woman but had no face or other recognizable markings you would attribute to a human. It looked like someone had thrown a glowing sheet over someone in the center of the room, and they just stood there. No holes for eyes. 

3. When I ran into the house to see this being, I wasn't anxious out of fear as much as I was curious. I didn't expect them to disappear, though. That made me more anxious. However, when Leslie started convulsing, my attention shifted to her until she was safely on the ground. Then I began going back to trying to find whatever this being was in the house.

4. The wave was terrifying when it happened. I had never felt something like that before in my life. It felt like something sent a ripple through my being. Maybe someone?

We'll have to see where the next dream takes this story. It happened a week later on Star Wars Day...

10: What Dreams May Come Part 1

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real you questioned whether it was a dream?

In the span of two years, I had four dreams that felt more real than my waking life. These dreams were unique because, for years before that, I couldn't remember any dreams much. Sure, every so often, I had an interesting dream that I could recall, but it was fleeting. Eventually, most of the details of your run-of-the-mill dreams go away. I still have those types of dreams every so often today. 

But these four dreams, from May 15, 2019, through March 3, 2021... were vivid dreams.

Vivid dreams stay with you forever. You remember every detail as if it happened yesterday or an hour ago. These types of dreams skirt the boundary between real and unreal. There is certainly fantasy to them, but the realism of the dream feels like it actually happened right then.

It feels like a perfect simulation of reality.

I love working in simulation in nursing education. Simulation allows you to do things that are real in the care of patients without all the risk of hurting someone. You can make a mistake and simply reset it. It's a lot like a video game, only more serious. However, I haven't met many people that didn't take video games seriously because the goal is to win. So, your ultimate goal in simulation is to succeed as a participant. But as the facilitator of the simulation, or the person creating or running it, you try to make it as realistic as possible. A facilitator does whatever it takes to make a simulation seem real so that the participant in the experience feels like they are really there within it. So the participant can't discern real from unreal. As a nurse educator, the goal is for the participant or student to learn from the experience.

These vivid dreams taught me a lesson because the facilitator of them made them perfect. 

I have to believe the dreams were from God. It's the only thing that makes sense, looking back on each one. Because they weren't dreams at all. They were warnings. 

I also have to warn you or issue a disclaimer. With each dream, things become more intense. The dreams become progressively darker each time. The dreams culminate in a final moment that will be revealed in the Dream Analysis after the conclusion of the next four posts, including this one. I was terrified by each one. 

The next question on your mind might be, why would God terrify me with a dream? Well, have you ever read the Book of Revelation? "He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."--Revelation 3:22.  Revelation uses fear quite a bit to grab the reader's attention. Revelation is, in fact, a horror story that ends well. It's been said that Jesus Christ spoke more of Hell than He did Heaven in his teachings. He sometimes used fear to get people to listen. When God speaks, you listen in whatever form that may arise. That's how I can remember the dates and times when these dreams occurred.

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Dream One: "A Knock at the Door" (May 15, 2019, 5:45 AM)

I was at my parent's house on Bellview Road, the inside of the house was so clear, and the attic door was open. I was putting up Christmas decorations and had the attic light on above and light coming from the bathroom and down the hallway.

A few seconds later, I could hear my mother's clock chime in the den, her newly purchased Swarovski Clock that chimes different tunes and melodies. We had gotten it for her the past Christmas, so it was still new and fresh. Then a familiar voice started speaking to me.

My grandmother Niney was walking up with a box of Christmas items for me to carry into the attic for her. She simply asked me to carry that box up the steps for her. I, of course, told her I would.

After placing that box in the attic, I returned, and Niney asked me if I could take something out to the carport quickly. I said yes and carried the item out to the carport for her, going through my parent's back door. One of the cars my parents drive was missing. That explained why Niney and I were the only ones in the house then. Everyone else was gone somewhere.

It was dark outside, and street lights were on with cars passing by on the road. I put the box down and stood back up. When I did, a vehicle was pulling up in the driveway. I looked out in the direction of the car pulling up, and all I could make out were the headlights. From my vantage point, the headlights reminded me of an older model Jeep Cherokee with squared-off duel headlights. 

Looking out at the car started to unnerve me, however. I was now on edge, fearing who might be in the Jeep. Suddenly I heard a voice holler out, "Hey!"

Before that utterance, I had already started moving toward the back door. Once the person yelled that at me, I bolted for the back door and slammed the screen door shut, locking it. The carport light was on, so I knew I had to close the wooden door, too, before someone walked up and saw me. I slammed that door shut, too, and put the chain and deadbolt on. My parent's back door has a set of blinds on them, so I could see the light coming in through the blinds. I looked to my right and thought I saw a figure pass in front of the side window looking into the carport. This spooked me, and I ran to another part of the house.

I went into my parent's hallway and turned toward the left to the front bedroom. This had been my bedroom years earlier when I lived at home. The blinds were shut in the bedroom, but the lamp illuminated the blinds. I took my fingers, moved the blinds slightly, and peered out the window to see what I could see.

I saw outside the headlights of a car shining across the front lawn. Through the lights, I could see the reflection of multiple people's legs walking in a side-by-side line toward my bedroom window across the lawn. I was terrified. What are they doing? Why are they coming here? What do they want?

Because of my fear, I went back into the hallway and stood in the center where the back door going to the carport could be seen. That's when I heard it.

Knock, knock.

Someone was knocking on the back door, and I turned my head to see. The blinds were drawn, but from the light shining down through the carport, I could see the silhouette of a person standing outside the door, lowering their arm from knocking and waiting for someone to answer. Niney was no longer in the house with me. I was completely alone, standing in the hallway staring at the back door.

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A few things about the setting:

1. The clock was significant as I had given it to my parents for Christmas in 2018. This made it clear the dream was happening in the current day.

2. Niney, my grandmother, passed away on October 16, 1998. She was the one assisting me in putting up Christmas decorations. This is highly significant because not only was she alive and well, she was walking and had lost both legs due to complications from diabetes and a stroke before her death.

3. I have no idea, to this day, who the people were in the Jeep, nor who the person was at the back door knocking to come in.

4. May 15, 2019, was my grandmother Niney's 101st birthday. At the time, I thought the dream was about her and my missing her. That made sense in 2019, especially with the dream happening on her birthday. I remember doing a post the next day saying I believed I was trying to keep the people from coming to get my Niney. Somehow I believed they were coming to take her away, perhaps for good. I thought this was my wishing she was still alive and that I missed her greatly. 

But the interaction with Niney had nothing to do with her. It had everything to do with me.

Tune in next week for 10: What Dreams May Come Part 2--Something is Here...

10: And then a hero comes along...

Have you ever listened to the words of the Mariah Carey song Hero? Especially the refrain of the song. It goes something like this:

"And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you."

The rest of the song is an awe-inspiring melody designed to promote the best in anyone, letting them know heroes lie within. The song was written and performed before September 11, 2001, but it seemed to be made for that day. I enjoyed the lyrics and premise of the song before 9/11, and I continue to this day to enjoy the sound of the vocals and passionate tribute to those that believe in heroes.

For me, in April 2021, I owed thanks to two heroes.

The first was my father-in-law James Bowen.

A day or so after my first visit to the provider, I decided to go on my typical walk. I started walking regularly around my neighborhood since March 31, 2021. Every single day and have not let up now for two years.

This walk was different that day. It was a beautiful spring day, and I wanted to get my walk in earlier before I had to work on some things, and during the walk, my father-in-law called me.

He heard that I had learned of my diabetes concerns. I told him what the provider said to me about it, and he understood it because he was also working through diabetic concerns. He had been living with diabetes for much of the past decade. So, he had learned the pitfalls and the possibilities of what come with managing diabetic concerns. But he offered me something else that day that I needed more than anything.

Hope.

In the past, the only example I ever had of someone living with diabetes was my grandmother Niney. As I've mentioned before, her later years of life were not of good quality as the complications of diabetes took their toll on her body. The fear of having those complications occur with me had been welling up for over a week at this point. I was still very afraid, and my thoughts continued questioning if I could do anything the provider encouraged me to do.

But my father-in-law said one thing to me that helped me that day and brought me to my knees at that moment. "I love you, son."

He was willing to do anything to help me, whether it was to guide me through processes that helped him manage his diabetes or simply talk about whatever was on my mind. I needed that and needed someone, or something that offered me hope that I could, in fact, get better and maybe become someone living without diabetes. But more than anything, he offered himself and his journey where the complications had not occurred. He was around the same age as Niney when she showed me her toe and the beginnings of the deterioration of her body. My father-in-law's body was not doing that. He was healthy and thriving even as a diabetic. He wanted to show me that this is not the journey's end but only the beginning. I kneeled for the second time on a walk in just over a week and cried in the middle of the road.

He continued to talk to me as I did, hearing the fear in my voice and my tears that were both sad and happy simultaneously. Offering love was something I dearly needed from everyone near me at that moment.

After the conversation ended, I called my mom to talk to her about it and cried even more. Finally, it was clicking. Because of my father-in-law's conversation, I believed I could do this. I believed I could better my situation than watch myself deteriorate. My fear was subsiding, and I genuinely felt I could succeed.

A few days later, we had a meal with my in-laws at their home. Oh, it was the best meal ever! New York strip steak with a baked potato, green beans, and a fruity salad that the name escapes me now. But it was good. My mother-in-law Brenda can make a great feast. She had been cooking for my father-in-law for years and helping him manage his dietary needs as a diabetic. At first, I wondered if I was eating too much, but that is the key to managing diabetes. Balance is the key. A meal like this, coupled with smaller meals throughout the day, was not bad, and the foods I ate at this meal were not bad. They were amazing! My father-in-law ate as much as I did and even used his Libre glucose monitor to show me his current reading. It wasn't bad post-prandial, immediately after eating. About what you would expect from any meal. The management of his diabetes had become so routine he knew exactly how and when to eat things to best assist his glucose control.

He also reminded me that I wasn't even in the category he was for glucose control. I was in a better position. I wasn't having to use a Libre or manage with any other medication besides Glucophage. I was in a very good place from his perspective. 

Positivity.

Being positive was necessary. My thoughts dwelled still on the negative impact of my grandmother's journey. But that week changed my perspective and made me realize some things.

1. I can do this!

2. I have a support system that understands where I am. My in-laws, my parents, Leslie, and the kids greatly supported me.

3. I had an excellent, encouraging provider who was helping guide me to the best outcomes.

4. Life is Good.

I now believed I could do this, and I had my father-in-law to thank for the blessing of love and encouragement. We still talk often, whether in person or via text. Offering encouragement, talking about life. These moments were the most pivotal of all the things that had happened during my time coping and understanding what had occurred with my body.

But there was another hero involved. As I said, my father-in-law was the first. The second had been trying to tell me what was happening for years prior.

This person did so in the most interesting of ways...through dreams.

It's hard to imagine a dream being a way to help you, but when a dream becomes something more than a dream, you have to stand up, take notice, and give credit where credit is due. These four dreams spanned two years and offered the perspective of someone that works to help us all. Until after this meeting with my father-in-law, I had not thought about the dreams being what they became. If my father-in-law was offering hope, the dreams had offered warnings. Those warnings came from one person, none other than...

Jesus Christ.

Tune in next week for the beginning of the five-part segment 10: What Dreams May Come. For now, have a Happy Easter, and thank you, Jesus, for all you have done for me and us all. #HeIsRisen

Today's Bible Verse, April 8, 2023:

"For God, who said, 'Let there be light in the darkness,' has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ." - 2 Corinthians 4:6

10: Can I really do this?

 Can I do this?

I used to watch a show called Lost. I loved the unknown possibilities of existence it offered, to steal a phrase from Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Imagine an island where anything is possible. That's what the show Lost offered. But one thing that came up sometimes was the character Locke making the statement, "Don't tell me what I can't do?"

Locke was confined to a wheelchair. He hadn't been able to use his legs for some time before the crash of Oceanic Flight 815. Miraculously, he could walk again upon reaching the island following the crash. Locke had already survived a horrific crash with an airliner and now regained the ability to walk just from being on the island.

At the provider visit on that day in April, I wanted to feel like Locke.

I was filled with doubt, however.

As the provider and I discussed changes that would need to be made, so I might become someone living without diabetes, I was filled with nothing but doubt. It wasn't because of what the provider told me or even suggested. It was just me.

I was scared to death of ending up like my grandmother.

But I also listened.

My provider began outlining things I could do and asking me questions about my habits.

Firstly, I would have to start taking Glucophage, which was a real downer for me. I never wanted to be on any prescription medication. My grandfather successfully lived until he was 92 years old without any prescriptions. I thought I could do the same since his blood flowed through my veins. Now I was wrong. I would likely have to take this drug for the rest of my life. Glucophage wasn't enough, though. There were going to have to be big changes in my lifestyle.

The first change regarded my eating habits. That was one I hated listening to even more. I would have to give up things I had loved and craved for many years. Here is a laundry list of things I would no longer be able to eat or drink:

1. Sweet Tea-and I LOVED Sweet Tea

2. All other sugary drinks-any soft drinks, slushies, drinks containing sugars like Gatorade, and milkshakes, just to name a few.

3. Reduce or eliminate sweets that I eat-ice cream, cookies, Sweet Tarts, Milkduds, cake

4. Reduce or eliminate fatty foods-you know, anything delicious (the list is too long to detail here)

The reduced fatty foods are related to my elevated cholesterol levels. I had to reduce saturated and trans fats too, so I had more grilled items than fried ones. 

Diet drinks were still permissible in moderation, so I could still have my Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi (if you can find it), but only 20 ounces a day at most. I really didn't like that. Water would be the primary thing I would need to start drinking more often.

As all of this was laid out, I thought, No more M&M blasts on the night shift anymore. I would get one of those almost every time I worked at the hospital back then. Sometimes it was a way for my family to come to visit me quickly in the evening. I loved that, but those were gone now.

It was depressing listening to all of this. It didn't help to talk about exercise next.

When I first started working at Clemson, I was exercising very consistently. During my first year working there, I routinely ran around the campus and up the big hill of Fort Hill Street, leading from Memorial Stadium (aka Death Valley) up to Calhoun Mansion. If you have never seen this hill, it's steep and stretches for nearly a quarter mile. That made for an intense workout. However, it had been years since I ran up that hill. It had been years since I last ran. My final run was during the summer of 2019, a mile run after clinical one day. I had stopped running because I thought I was getting too old to do it.

You read that right. At 42, I had decided I was too old to run anymore. The final 5K race I participated in was the Color Me Lucky Run in March 2019. Her is my picture from the race.

Looking back at this final race picture from 2019, the last one I thought I would ever have, I looked miserable. I could tell my weight was up, especially in my stomach. I looked like I was struggling. Yes, running 3.1 miles is not easy and can be a struggle, but I felt like I was struggling more than usual that day. My heart wasn't in it to run; it showed in my time. This was the slowest race I've ever participated in that was timed. Running this race took me 39 minutes and 45 seconds that day. This was a terrible race when you had been accustomed to running times below 30 minutes for years.

I did necessarily look unhealthy in this picture. But even then, I could feel something wasn't quite right.

My exercise routine since March 2019 became inconsistent up until March 2021. Most of the time, I walked, sometimes for 30 minutes. Sometimes the walks were over 30 minutes. Sometimes the walk was for 15 minutes or less. Over the 2 years since the 5K, not only had running become nonexistent for me but so had walking routinely. One thing I did not like during that 2 year period was my Apple smartwatch. Like isn't the best word to use here.

I HATED that smartwatch.

Apple watches have rings for monitoring activity, one for standing up to 12 times a day, one for exercise, which is typically set to 30 minutes a day, and one for movement, which can vary wildly from person to person. My calorie count for the movement was set to 910 calories burned a day. But I hated those rings. I got tired of being reminded how little activity I was doing whenever I wore the thing. It was really amazing I was still wearing it, to be honest. I would have arguments with my watch sometimes, fortunately, when no one else was around. I really didn't want to work out anymore, and I didn't want to listen to a watch telling me to do it.

That was the problem, though. I wasn't that I couldn't work out anymore. I didn't want to.

Now, because of this A1c, I had to.

That brought on more doubt.

My thoughts were, So, I have to completely change my diet while cultivating out at least 30 minutes of exercise, not just walking either, at least 3-4 times a week, monitoring my blood sugars 3 times a day, all while navigating a dissertation process, whatever work brings at Clemson and AnMed Health, whatever my family needs, whatever unexpected events take place. 

How am I going to do all of this?

April 6, 2021, was a different kind of day than March 31, 2021. I was at rock bottom a week before. Despite all of this doubt, April 6 provided a glimmer of hope.

When the provider told me to exercise 3-4 times a week, I had already started trying to do more that past week. Remember, I went on a walk in the middle of a rain storm on March 31st and kept walking at least for the next week a minimum of 30 minutes a day. I decided that week to embrace my smartwatch and stop hating it. So, I began standing, moving, and exercising like it wanted me to do each day.

But that wasn't enough. I also needed to have some resistance to my exercise too. That meant weight lifting and strength training that I hadn't done in almost 20 years. Running, at that moment, was still out. So, I knew this part of lifting weights would be hard. Somehow, I would do it.

Next was balancing my diet. Another positive that came from the discussion was that I had a few things I already did that I could still do. For one, I loved eating at the restaurant Barberitos. Barberitos is a southwestern-styled restaurant in my hometown. My family loved going there at least once a week for burritos, chips, cheese, and salsa. I described to my provider what I typically ordered there. I usually got a wheat burrito with black beans, regular chicken (no guac or rice), salsa, shredded lettuce and cheese, and sauteed mushrooms. My provider said, "That's excellent!" I asked about the chips, and they said I could have up to 26 of them with salsa but would have to cut down on the cheese dip if not eliminated. That was rough about the cheese dip, but I felt that was reasonable.

That filled me with hope. I can still eat at Barberitos! I was happy to hear that and realize, Ok, if I can eat that, I can be creative with some things too. Maybe these changes wouldn't be as severe as I thought.

You see, the key to managing diabetes is balance. You obviously can't have a ton of sweets, but you can still have some things you like within reason.

Getting a large M&M Blast was not the best choice at my age. But there are other snacks I could try, like pretzel bites and carrots. Again, a manageable amount, not an entire container of pretzel bites or carrots at one time.

Another food my provider said could be ok...popcorn. Yes, popcorn! I can still have popcorn!!!

Just not the way I did for years. I loved getting movie popcorn, loading it up with butter, and eating it to my delight through a movie. Additionally, Milkduds would accompany me for that encounter.

Milkduds gone. Butter gone. Popcorn would still be ok in moderation, meaning I can't eat an entire tub at once.

The sadness was still there, but the depression of the moment was beginning to lift. Despite my fear, I began to feel like Locke always did. Except I was talking to myself. I was trying to tell myself to stop telling me what I couldn't do.

That day was a new day, April 6, 2021. I posted about it and decided I would somehow beat this. I was going to become someone living with controlled diabetes, for now, with the goal of someday becoming someone that lives without diabetes.

That's when a hero came along...

Tune in next time for that story.