10: My Exercise Routine

 "We're going to pump...you up!"

Whenever I think of working out, I always think of that Saturday Night Live (SNL) comedy skit with Dana Carvey, where they poked some fun at Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1980s. I loved Ah-nold even more. Watching his movies, whether it was The Terminator films, Commando, Predator, Twins, Total Recall, or True Lies, I reveled in the action films he starred in and couldn't wait for the next. He was my hero growing up, and I wanted to be just like him one day.

My physique didn't work out to an Arnold style as I had hoped, mainly because lifting weights was not my thing. My wife loves working out at the gym, which is ironic. I had the perfect opportunity for many years to go and work out with her but chose not to. What I loved doing for a workout was running.

I loved running all through high school, with my first year of cross country starting in Fall 1990 as an eighth grader. I was awful that year with running. That's a relative comparison for using the word awful, as all my times in eighth grade were faster than I run now. But they were horrible for competitive cross country as a teenager in school.

That fall was my rookie year running cross country, and for almost every race, I finished dead last. Towards the end of the season, I finally beat a few people and was so proud. Frankly, as I ran, I never actually thought about competing. It never dawned on me that I was even racing sometimes. I just wanted to run and did the best I could every time.

For that reason, years later, when I needed to lose weight, I began running again with the Midnight Flight 5K in 2010. I was nearly 90 lbs heavier than when I ran in high school for the final time. I had a lot of work to do to get my weight and time back down to a more reasonable level. I was successful at doing that too. I dropped my weight by over 30 lbs and recorded the fastest time I had in recent years during a 5K at the Midnight Flight in 2012 at 25:56. This time was still over 2 minutes slower than my fastest time in eighth grade, for reference. But it was the best I could do, and I felt good.

I felt differently by March 2019, however. I was heavier in 2019 than in 2010 and older than in 2010, which showed in my running ability. As I mentioned in a prior post, I had all but given up on running by the summer of 2019, and it was done by 2020. What could have been better was my motivation to do any working out. By March 2021, I hadn't lifted weights since 2005 and hadn't run since June 2019. My walking efforts could have been better too. Although I sometimes did 30-minute walks, those were becoming fewer and far between. Sometimes I would only walk for 15 or even 10 minutes. My exercise routine had become less and less since 2019. Many of my constituents would have said back then that I was good about healthy habits. They really hadn't been watching closely. In fact, many people I knew didn't consider me overweight, but I knew I was, and I knew it wasn't getting any better. By spring 2021, I was in the worst shape of my life.

When I went to my provider, they said I needed to work out at least 3-4 times a week, for an hour each time. To many, that might seem like a more complex challenge than diet, but to me, this was the more straightforward part. My provider said walking was good, but I needed to step it up. No more 10-15 minute walks. They all needed to be a minimum of 30 minutes. I also needed to add on resistance. This meant lifting weights, which I hadn't done in a while. The good news is I had the tools and the talent to do this.

I already had a bench and weights at home and decided to use those. Leslie, my workout queen, showed me some routines to help build my muscles. I did this one workout routine I nicknamed The Gauntlet (inspired by the name of the river rapids from The River Wild).

For this routine, I did a set of 10 reps of tricep presses, bicep lifts, and shoulder extensions. This was after doing 3 sets of 10 reps on bench presses and leg extensions. My weight was light, but I wasn't trying to become Arnold. I just needed the resistance my provider wanted me to do.

On top of the weight lifting, I was now putting a plan of action into effect for my walking exercise. I was going to close the rings on my smartwatch daily.

The Apple smartwatch has an activity tracker that measures how many calories you burn doing movement throughout the day, along with a minimum 30-minute workout and standing at least 12 times a day. This is a nice feature, but I have mentioned that I HATED this watch. I only bought it to have one like others because I never really wanted to use the activity app. In fact, since purchasing the watch in August 2018, through March 31, 2021, I had successfully closed all of my circles for an entire week only twice. There were sporadic days where I completed my rings entirely for all three activities, but many times I did not, especially the movement ring. Movement drove me nuts! I needed to burn 910 calories daily to close the circle for my height and build. That was maddening to look at. I would go outside and walk for 30 minutes at least, and that blasted movement ring would be half closed. So infuriating.

On top of the movement ring I loathed, I got tired of my watch reminding me to stand. It's time to stand up! No, it's not! I'm using the bathroom, you stupid watch!

I had legit arguments with this watch, sometimes where people could see me. I got some looks and knew it was time to stop doing that.

But in March 2021, my smartwatch was my new friend. I knew this device was the best way to help motivate me to lose weight and improve my activity. So, I deduced, based on what my provider said, that if I strive to do at least 30 minutes of exercise a day, this would help with my weight, my sugars, and my well-being. If I had to do 1 hour 3-4 times a week, doing 30 minutes 7 days a week would work. I planned to walk at least 30 minutes daily, no matter how much I had worked that day. For instance, while working with students at the hospital that summer, I did an hour of workout walking all over the hospital to check on them. Nurses walk a lot when we work, but it adds up less to the movement than you might think. Sure, you get a bunch of steps, but sometimes the movement ring just wasn't closing enough. Remember, 910 calories minimum had to be burned. So, regardless of the amount of time I walked at work, I chose to still do a 30-minute workout afterward of walking.

My primary goal with the watch was to close my circles daily for one year. I wanted to show that for 365 days straight, I was closing all of my rings. I knew if I did this, coupled with my diet changes, I would lose weight, get my sugars under control, and feel a lot better. That was the goal, and I stuck to it from April 4, 2021, until April 3, 2022. We'll talk more about that later.

But you may ask, what does this have to do with running? All I have talked about since opening with how much I loved running is a weight lifting and walking exercises.

In May of 2021, we had a church youth retreat at our home, cooking out hamburgers and enjoying some post-COVID festivities. This event was the first time we held such a thing since the fall of 2017 due to weather and COVID-related issues. During that event, however, we played kickball. Leslie and I joined in to have a little fun, and I was having a blast playing something I probably hadn't done since middle school.

Amid that fun, though, I noticed one thing. I was running around and felt great! My legs felt good. I was breathing easily. I felt wonderful.

It got me thinking, could I run 5Ks again?

So, after that event, I started training to run a 5K. My goal was to run in America's 5K in Anderson. This 5K was the Race the Rainbow 5K in March, which I had last run in 2019. In fact, that race was the final one I ran in ever. The race administrators changed the timeframe of the race to summer and the July 4th celebrations. I was stoked! I was going to run another race again, and it was the one I had done before when I believed my running days were over.

I believed for this race, I had nothing to lose. I would do what I had always done-go run and do the best I can.

I trained for several weeks, running a few times a week but trying not to overdo it. I didn't want to run like I had in my thirties because I was getting back into this. So, much of my mileage was short, typically going between 1 to 2 miles. I could do whatever I needed during a race for the last mile. I ran with a group once in June that year in downtown Anderson, where the race would be held, and did a 3-mile run that evening. It was delightful. I ran with a guy, and we talked the whole way, enjoying the run and did the 3 miles in 30 minutes. That was my goal, and I was so happy about it.

When the day of the 5K came, I couldn't believe how fast everyone else was, and I thought I was really moving too. In fact, because I was going so quickly, I pulled a muscle in my calf before I reached half a mile out. I was limping along a little bit but still able to maintain much of the speed I was at for the race. I enjoyed this as much as I had before 2019, and I even had a picture illustrating how well I was doing.

I was running along smoothly in this image and feeling good despite the pull in my calf. This image starkly contrasts the last time I ran this course 2 years earlier. You can see that image again below.

The timeframe was colder than in early July, but this image from March 2019 shows my body's excess weight, and I appear to be struggling more. In the picture above, I'm working solidly and doing my best. I seem more healthy too.

In March 2019, it took me nearly 40 minutes to run the same course I ran on July 3, 2021. That day in July, I ran the race at 28:20 for an almost 12-minute improvement. My diet and exercise routine allowed me to do the races again, which I loved so much. I felt amazing that day, inspiring me to sign up for more 5Ks after this one. From July 2021 through today, I've run in 11 5Ks and 2 1-mile runs. You'll probably hear more about these and other things about running in the weeks ahead, but this was a monumental achievement for me to run again and as fast as I once had before 2017. A knee injury began to limit me some in 2017, contributing to my running days being over. Now, they are in full swing.

You've learned how I managed my diet and exercise routine, but the next segment will be the mentality I had to use to succeed in all of this. It involved two things, positivity, and Christ.

Tune in next time for 10: Change of Mindset.

10: What I Did for My Diet.

So, now that the dreams are behind us, it's time to get down to the nitty-gritty.

What did I do to fix the A1c issue of 10?

First and foremost, it wasn't easy. This segment will be broken down into three parts to illustrate the many changes needed to reduce an A1c of 10 to a "normal" level. The changes were needed in three critical areas: diet, physical activity, and mentality.

All three of these things work together to help anyone dealing with circumstances related to health. It's not just about diabetes at this point but establishing a way for your body to cope with the changes that take place naturally.

We all age, there is no way around that except one, and that's not a direction any of us want to go right away. The point is longevity coupled with quality. You want to live as long as possible with the best quality of life. The best phrase for this is truly, "Live long and prosper." Yet another Star Trek quote. That is the goal for anyone on earth, especially if you are living with any ailment. Get used to those quotes. You'll see plenty more where that came from.

The three segments will illustrate what I did during the first six weeks following my initial visit with the provider. That first six weeks were crucial to changing my status as someone living with diabetes to possibly someone living without diabetes. I feel some quick stats are needed from that first day to illustrate a starting point where I can then report what changed after the first six weeks:

Reference: Actual Result (Normal Range)

Hgb A1c: 10 (3.8-5.6)

Weight: 231.6 lbs Height: 72 in

BP: 142/87

BMI: 31.33 

Cholesterol: 205 (4-199)

Triglycerides: 162 (0-150)

HDL: 41 (>=55)

LDL: 132 (0-99)

VLDL: 32 (0-30)

Risk Ratio: 5 (High risk for heart-related concerns)

First Fix: The Diet

Diet was the hardest to fix, so I wanted to begin with it. I also believe diet is hard for everyone. Humans are a species that likes to eat. Additionally, we, especially in the United States, like to eat junk food. Before March 31, 2021, I mentioned that my diet had foods I could continue eating but had many that had to be eliminated or altered. 

During the first six weeks, I ate no sweets at all. No ice cream. No sugary drinks, like regular soda, slushies, or sweet tea. No fruit, as the sugar content could be a concern. Eliminating these items was a big move in the right direction. Later ice cream was incorporated back in but at a manageable amount. I had stopped drinking regular soda many years before I began dieting in 2011. The one that was hardest was sweet tea. I loved sweet tea. It's sooooo good. But, it had to go permanently. The last sweet tea drink I had was on March 30, 2021. Since that day, I have only drank sweet tea once at a meal, and that was because there was nothing else within reach to drink. But, this lovely item had to go, no more sweet tea, for that one notable exception.

Next were the fried foods. Now, I did still have a few mixed into my diet, like bacon, for instance. But that was about the only fried thing I ate during those first six weeks. I love bacon and grits with toast. I've eaten that almost every morning since April 7, 2021. Leslie makes that for me every day. She is the absolute best for doing that too. Sometimes my mom does it, but Leslie is the primary breakfast queen these days. The breakfast of bacon, toast, and grits is a fun, delicious, and basically nutritious way to start the day. I'm not a big egg person, nor did I want fruit. These three items were plenty for me to eat until lunchtime rolled around. I know it may not seem to be the healthiest breakfast to eat, but you do have to maintain some things you've done before when it comes to controlling diabetes. You can't stop everything cold turkey. Otherwise, you risk causing other issues making it harder for your body to adapt. 

But other fried foods, like at Chick-fil-a, Zaxby's, Canes, or anywhere that liked making fried food, were gone for those six weeks. Chick-fil-a chicken sandwiches were the worst to let go of because I loved their sandwiches. So delicious. But it had to go. I switched from a number one combo, which is a fried chicken sandwich, large fries, and a Sweet Tea, to grilled chicken nuggets, a side salad, and water or a diet drink. Other times I would eat a grilled chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-a and eventually settle on the grilled chicken club sandwich. This was monumental for me, as I never had enjoyed the smell of grilled chicken sandwiches from Chick-fil-a. I never wanted to eat one. Now, I have a completely different mindset and still buy the grilled chicken club for a meal occasionally.

I switched to many grilled foods and vegetables, with fried food and sweets eliminated. Asian veggies are something I grew to love and were readily available at the grocery store. You warm the packet for 5 minutes and get a wonderful, tasty pack of steamed vegetables you can combine with a good protein, like beef frank hot dogs. I would grill some of the hot dogs, usually two, to eat with the veggies. It was a yummy lunch.

So, how did a typical day look for me with my new meal plan? I'll break it down for you below:

Breakfast

3 strips of bacon

bowl of grits with pepper and unsalted butter

1 slice of toast with unsalted butter

Lunch

Asian veggies with 2-3 beef frank hotdogs (no bun)

Supper

Zaxby's Grilled Chicken House Zalad (Many variations that could go here, like Barberitos burrito, S & S Cafeteria Roast Beef with new potatoes, green beans, and grilled onions with 2 cornbread, etc.)

Snack

3 pretzel bites and 3 carrots

I also took 1000 mg of Glucophage (Metformin) with these diet changes at supper. Two tablets daily. Now, the way Glucophage works, it helps to decrease extra sugar in the system. So, if your average blood sugar is running 240-300 like mine was with an A1c of 10, the Glucophage would kick in to help lower blood sugar in those conditions. The primary function of Glucophage is to help regulate the pancreas and insulin production, however.

With an A1c of 10, that meant I had some pancreatic function, and therefore I was producing insulin still, just not as well as I once had before the sugar issues occurred. So, the Glucophage helped make the pancreas produce insulin better and therefore work to regulate blood sugar correctly. But if there is no excess sugar in the bloodstream, either through diet modifications and/or exercise, then the Glucophage doesn't do much beyond helping the pancreas. In fact, the changes to diet and exercise work more effectively to assist with blood sugar than Glucophage alone. If I kept my diet under control, then the Glucophage might not be necessary, or at least reduced.

That was my goal, to either reduce or eliminate the Glucophage altogether. It was going to take work, though. A lot of work. Daily work, without end. Being diabetic was not something that would ever go completely away. A friend pointed that out to me because of a family member in their life and what they had to deal with. I knew this, too, from my past experience with both my grandmother and father-in-law. Simply taking medications would never be enough. The meds don't really work without you trying to change your habits.

Now I was on my way with a working diet that allowed me to still enjoy some things I had loved prior to the A1c of 10 and cultivating some new things into my diet that helped me start getting my sugars where they needed to be. 

That's another good reference point to show here. The first blood sugar reading was from the first day I assessed my sugars at home. From the first day I began, I was checking my sugars routinely, and the very first one showed this result:

This blood sugar reading was on an empty stomach, with no food consumed at the start of the day. I was seeing where I was on a random check. Clearly elevated, and it shows how far I still had to go. 

As I said, the diet was one piece, but now I had to get my exercise regimen back to work. What that would mean is not only doing more walking, but it also meant the return of something I thought I would never do again, along with activities I hadn't done in nearly 20 years.

Tune in next time for 10: Exercise Routine.

10: Dream Analysis

The Final Analysis of the Four Dreams

So, the burning question. What did all of these dreams mean, and what did any of them have to do with diabetes?

Since I'm a huge science fiction and fantasy fan, especially of Star Trek, I'll use a phrase so often uttered by Spock. It will appear logical in the end.

Vivid dreams are powerful and skirt the boundary between the real and the unreal. It was hard to discern what was real in each dream and what wasn't, and my mind didn't perceive anything as unreal, even though there were elements that defied reason.

My grandparents, who had long passed away, had returned alive and well in the dreams. That was the only critical difference between reality and the dreams. Everything else was grounded in reality. The people walking up to the house in a line looked perfectly normal, except for their behavior. The white figure didn't do anything profound but stand there. The voice said a simple phrase. There was nothing behind me. The monster was never seen. The fanciful elements of the dreams weren't that unrealistic. Someone could even conclude the roar in the dream from the monster wasn't a monster at all. Those pieces seemed to be inside me, even within the dream.

What was profound was having people present in the dream.

They say when you near the end of life, sometimes you can see relatives long since deceased returning to console you in your waning days. Now, I don't think for one minute I was dying, but I was having a profound change in my life. For that reason, the people that had been most dear to me in my life to that point appeared:

My grandparents

My parents

My wife and children

As the dreams happened, I misinterpreted the meanings at that time. The dream about Niney, I thought, was about her and missing her. The dream where Leslie had a convulsion suggested concern about her. The dream with Maw Maw and Paw Paw and my mother seemed like reminiscing about times past until something was behind me. The monster was after me and the children. Even my dogs at the time got into the action at that moment.

None of the dreams were about them, though. It was a warning for me, and when you see the interpretations below, it will make sense why I was being warned about the insidious disease known as diabetes.

Dream 1: A Knock at the Door

This dream was warning me that I was now pre-diabetic. It made sense that the first person to come and warn me about my impending diabetes journey would be the person I saw diabetes ravage the most. Niney, my grandmother, deteriorated from diabetes over the span of seven years. I had a front-row seat to it as I grew up. Not only was she alive and well, she was walking around helping me do stuff in the dream, which would have been impossible for her to do in this world. Her legs had been amputated leading up to her death, so the spiritual realm had manifested new ones for her.

She came to warn me because my body had shifted from the previous year. The last time I had an A1c done was in March 2018. That year my A1c was 5.6, so normal. However, I was 0.1 points away from being classified as pre-diabetic. By May 2019, my weight had increased substantially, and I struggled to run sometimes. Had I had an A1c check in March 2019, my A1c would have been 5.7-6.4 at least. The reason for this can be shown in pictures an Atlanta Braves game in 2018 and Halloween 2019:

Braves Game May 2018

Halloween 2019

Look at my weight gain between these two images, a little over a year apart. Even in the pic from 2018, I had to suck in my gut a little. In my face, however, you could see the excess weight. The excess weight was apparent in the Halloween picture as my jumpsuit fit me rather tightly. 

I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life. Nearly 10 years earlier, my weight was in this same category, prompting me to take action to try to lose weight and become healthier. But 10 years of time takes its toll on a person, balancing work and life, and a PhD. By December 2019, I was over 250 lbs, if not more. For my build, that was way too much. Niney was trying to warn me, but the warning went unheeded. Hence, the next set of dreams.

Dreams 2 and 3: Someone is Here, and There is Someone Walking Behind You

I'm putting these two dreams together because they happened a week apart. I've now interpreted the white ghost-looking figure to be the Holy Spirit. This was the day I became classified as diabetic. By this date, April 2020, we were amid the pandemic. As such, I wasn't willing to go anywhere much unless I just had to. So, going to get an A1c check for my annual birthday check-up did not happen. Had I gone and had my A1c checked, then the score would have been 6.5 or above. My weight had done nothing but go up over the past year. All running had ceased. My exercise routine was not consistent. My diet was horrible. I'm certain I wasn't alone about the diet considering most people were stressed by what was happening due to the pandemic. Comfort food was a must then.

But at the end of Dream 2, the voice says someone is here. After that, the pulse wave sensation shot out from the core of my body in all directions when I awoke. That sensation came almost from the spot where the pancreas is located. Your pancreas is near the intestines and stomach, not far from the Xiphoid Process on the sternum. I believe this was the exact moment I became diabetic. Leslie's reaction to convulsing and passing out had to do with what was wrong with me and the realization that something profound had happened. 

But the voice. That voice was the Holy Spirit, letting me know it was there. It was going to be there to continue trying to warn me. The Holy Spirit was trying to let me know something life-changing had happened to me. I would have to come to grips with it sooner or later.

Dream 3 was a further warning trying to get me to see. Something walking up behind me was diabetes overtaking me. The ghost, or whatever it was, was within me. I saw nothing behind me because it was already inside me. The insidious way of diabetes began working on my body, filling my mother with fear in the dream. This starkly contrasted how my mother would have responded to her baby being affected by something in real life. The fear was not in her but within me. The manifestation of symptoms of diabetes had only just begun but was in full swing by late 2020.

In late October 2020, I had another bizarre encounter involving bedtime. This was no dream, though. Whatever happened took place while I was still awake.

I had gotten out of bed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Leslie and the kids were all asleep, and I crawled back into bed. When I did, though, I felt something come up behind me and put its arms around me. For a split second, I thought I saw the shape of a nose out of the corner of my eye. I started drifting back to sleep, but this grabbed my attention. This action awoke me immediately, and I looked across the bed to see that everyone in the room was still asleep. For a moment, I thought maybe Leslie had gotten up and gone to the bathroom and, on her way back, decided to hug me in my sleep. Literally seconds, from my perspective, had passed since I left the bathroom and returned to bed. There was no way Leslie did this action or even one of the kids.

Although this could have been an alarming thought, who just touched me as I went back to sleep? Honestly, I was calm. I laid my head back down and drifted back off to sleep. It was comforting and made me feel peaceful. Nothing was scary about this because it was like someone or something had hugged me. I believe again this was the Holy Spirit, if not Christ Himself.

The next day, I looked to see what getting a hug from behind meant. That is one of the most comforting things a person can do because the person being hugged is vulnerable, and this type of hug offers reassurance. Doesn't that sound like something God would do? This is a significant moment, separate from the dreams but certainly tied to them. The hug signified that God was with me to help comfort me through whatever was about to happen with diabetes. It was also significant that this was the first time I showed symptoms of an elevated A1c. Urinating frequently, especially in the middle of the night, is a sign of poor sugar control. My body was just beginning to show issues, and it would only worsen in the months ahead.

God was trying to console me because the big reveal was headed my way.

Dream 4: The Monster

By March 2021, I was highly symptomatic of diabetic issues related to the exceptionally high A1c of 10. Weight loss had begun. I urinated frequently at night to get the excess sugar out of my body. I was fatigued, irritable, and worn out. It should be no surprise that one final dream came at one of the darkest times of my life in recent history. A time when I was at a crossroads of despair. This was the final attempt by God to help me understand what was happening to me.

The monster in the dream was not a literal monster, though. It was the monster within me. The monster of diabetes taking its toll on my body and well-being. I was losing, and if this dream didn't serve to wake me up to what was going on, nothing would. Who knows where my life might have gone from there if this dream hadn't occurred.

I remember waking up from that dream, realizing how quickly it happened, and thinking, How is that possible? I just had a dream that fast and that vivid? The dream happened over a 30-minute period that morning. The others happened during sleep at night, but this one was a literal nap by comparison. However, you typically remember dreams right before you awaken, so most likely, all the dreams happened in a short sleep period. God works in mysterious ways.

I knew from that dream and things going on in March 2021 that something else was happening besides stress and difficulties at home, work, or school. Something was wrong with me. Finally, I got checked out and had the reveal of the A1c of 10. It all made sense instantly.

Why did it take nearly 2 years to figure this out?

Well, that's because of how our reality works. You see, in heaven, time has no meaning. When God does something, it happens instantly for Him. But for us here on Earth, it could be years, even centuries, as events unfold.

2 Peter 3:8-9 reads:

"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

That verse puts it all in perspective. God knows what is happening to us and works to help us, but we also must realize how His time scale works. The timing of His help was perfect. It also makes sense from the verse. To quote James T. Kirk's line from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan:

"Hours instead of days. Now we have minutes instead of hours."

From God's perspective, He was quickly trying to help me see what was happening, but the time scale here on earth put that relative position over years for me. Two years had to go by for me to receive the completed message. It was all for His glory. I honestly can't think of a better way to prove the existence of God than this as well. Reading all these dreams and the analysis, I can't think of a better way to help a non-believer understand how God works and why you must operate from His time scale and not your own.

Since March 3, 2021, I haven't had another vivid dream again. Like I've said, I've had some typical run-of-the-mill goofy dreams since that time. But I have had no dreams like these four ever again. That hug sensation has never happened again.

I just know He is there. He's watching, praying, and working for me and anyone who needs Him. This is just my story of how God intervened and helped me. He intervenes more than you realize, but sometimes it goes unnoticed. He did this for me because my actions led me to something profound in my life. I wasn't near death, but maybe I was headed toward a rough life in the years ahead with my health. I still have much work left to do.

I'm grateful for the help He has given me. Maybe He's helping you too.

That concludes the Dream Analysis, and for the next post, we'll go into what I did to help me overcome the fear, the physical issues, and other constraints of diabetes, so much so that my provider won't even classify me as being diabetic.

I did it all through Him. Thank you, Jesus.

10: What Dreams May Come Part 4

When you think of monsters, what comes to mind?

I could think of a hundred films with monsters. Movies like Aliens, Pumpkinhead, Howling, Poltergeist, Amityville Horror, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, Scream, Signs, Ghostbusters, Annabelle, The Conjuring, and so many more have various types of monsters. 

History also has monsters, like Napoleon or Hitler. 

We face our own monsters within sometimes due to stress, anger, hatred, fear, and other emotions conjuring an experience we must come to grips with.

Illness and ailments can be a monster, with debilitations that limit what we can do physically, mentally, or spiritually. 

The most terrifying monster is that which resides within you. It is a cunning monster and deceitful in its methodology. I don't know how such a monster gets within, but it lies to us. It says things that only a child would understand.

At that moment, it might seem like any other child, but to us, once it reveals itself, it is the beast.

Yes, I took a few lines from Poltergeist to explain that, but those lines work well. Satan is the greatest monster and does his best work when you least expect it. In ways, you might not always imagine.

In this case, Satan's ploy was to deceive me about what was happening to my body. But in the end, in this final dream, he made himself known in an unexpected way. The monster that had overtaken me revealed itself in a dream to end all vivid dreams.

This will be the darkest dream of all, so be prepared.

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The Final Dream: "Monster" (March 3, 2021, 9 AM to 9:30 AM)

I was pulling up in my driveway at home. My home is on Paulan Road. I could distinctly see the white driveway and the brown color of the house siding. The sky was gray, cloudy, and dark. I went through the garage and into the house to find it even darker inside. The only light coming into the house was from outside, which was minimal. All the blinds were closed, and I could hardly see anything throughout the house.

Standing in the kitchen, I could hear the dogs on the deck growling. Maggie, Max, and Mattie were growling outside on the deck at something. I yelled for Leslie but got no response. I tried flipping a switch in the house, but no lights would come on. The power to the house was shut off for some reason.

The dogs continued to growl right outside the backdoor onto the deck. That's when I heard it.

From on the deck, I heard the loudest roar I had ever heard. It sounded like a lion, only it seemed like a demonic lion, as I don't know any other way to describe this roar. I'd heard a lion's roar before, and this was something else. Following that roar, my dogs' growling became more intense, turning into outright aggressive barking and gnashing of teeth. I was terrified.

That's when I heard Charlie say, "It's a monster."

I saw Charlie walking past the kitchen counter and into our house's dark den. He then added, "The power is out."

I looked through the pane that allows you to see into the den from the kitchen and faintly saw Abby walking by through the darkened room, with Charlie not far behind.

I was so unnerved by what had just happened. I asked the kids, "Are you all right?" I wanted them to come to be with me so they wouldn't be alone in the dark. Also, so I wouldn't be alone in the dark.

As I looked that way, it was as if the power came back on in the house, and the light shone down from over the refrigerator. It illuminated the refrigerator and part of the hallway beside it in the entryway. When I looked at the entryway, that's when the greatest fear had overcome me in any of my dreams.

I was shuddering in the dream. My fear was overwhelming as I realized the monster was now inside the house and about to reveal itself. I kept staring toward the refrigerator, shuddering in fear and completely overwhelmed by the anticipation of what would happen. This is it, I thought.

I then jerked awake back to the real world, having dozed off on one of the beds in my parent's house that morning. In 30 minutes, I had dreamed one of the scariest dreams I had ever had. I sat there taking it all in, trying to unravel what this dream meant and unnerved for the day ahead.

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A few things about the setting:

1. The darkness I alluded to was both figurative and literal. The dream was the darkest of all four because the lights were not on in the house until the end. But the dream was also dark because of the "monster" that appeared. I'll never forget that roar that put my dogs in a heightened state of aggressiveness during the dream. Maggie was the most prominent one I could hear. That little dog had no fear. She was ferocious when she had to be, having taken on a snake before, and won. So, she did not fear taking on whatever this "monster" might be. A couple of months later, Maggie died. She had grown weaker in recent years, being 13 at the time of this dream. Her brother Max lived until August 2022, making 14+ years, just a few months shy of 15 years old. But in this dream, she was our dear Maggie and did what she would always do when she thought a threat was nearby.

2. This was the only dream to feature my children, Abby and Charlie. Charlie was the only one that spoke, and the monster scared him. My kids were alone in the dark, trying to figure out how to navigate the house and any obstacles with no lights on. I was scared for them. I was scared for myself. I wanted them to be with me so they would feel safe, and I wanted them to be ok.

3. I could feel myself shuddering in the dream when I looked toward the refrigerator. I knew something horrible would come out of the hallway to get me. But there were no footsteps. There was no sound. Just the sound of the house and when the light came on, shining down on the refrigerator, there was a calmness in the room. But in the dream, I was anything but calm and woke up with that same feeling.

4. When this dream occurred, it was the day of my meeting with my dissertation committee. I had been dreading it, uncertain of what would take place. So, I naturally thought this dream had something to do with that meeting. That something bad was coming. Something bad did happen at that meeting, but the dream was totally unrelated to the meeting itself. As I've said before, the dreams were about me and what was occurring with my body. My dissertation was certainly a confounding variable in things that led to my health concerns, but it wasn't the only cause or consideration.

So, what do all of these four dreams mean about living with diabetes? That is what the final post in this segment will illustrate. I deduced what the four dreams meant as they pertained to living with diabetes and how God had warned me the whole time about what was coming on March 31, 2021.

Tune in next week for 10: Dream Analysis as we conclude this segment.

10: What Dreams May Come Part 3

You've heard the song, Turn Around, Look at Me. The lyrics go something like this:

"There is someone walking behind you

Turn around, look at me
There is someone watching your footsteps
Turn around, look at me"

It's one of the creepiest songs you'll ever hear, made even more creepy during the film Final Destination 3 in 2006. The Vogues nailed creepiness for all time with the song. It was fitting to include it in a horror film with the imminent threat of death looming with every character in the movie. 

We all get creeped out occasionally, whether walking down a lonely stretch of walkway or simply going to the bathroom down the hall. That eerie sense that someone or something is near you becomes more than present sometimes. Sometimes it's because we get spooked by stories of ghosts and goblins.

When I was a kid, my parents owned a shop called Innervisions. They rented a large, white mansion-looking home for their business. However, the house reminded me of the Amityville Horror house from the movies. It was very old, with many nooks and crannies that let the imagination run wild. From the claustrophobic back stairwell to the basement below, this house gave the feeling of being haunted very easily.

One night my mother was alone in the shop while my dad and I were watching The Last Star Fighter at the movies. I believe she still had to work, and Dad wanted to take me to see it, so Mom stayed to finish and straighten things up until we left the movie. She went about her business, cleaning up and getting ready for us to arrive to pick her up when she took a stroll down the hallway. As she did, she felt the presence of someone behind her. You know that sense, right? You can feel someone near you at that moment as if walking directly behind you. Then my mom felt breath on her neck. At least what she thought was breath. Naturally, she assumed this was my Dad sneaking up on her, and she turned to confront him. 

The only problem was...no one was there.

Mom was alone in the house, staring down an empty, dark hallway, and she distinctly felt the presence of another person breathing on her neck. My mom said she got goosebumps and ran into the bathroom, locking herself in until we came to pick her up.

I remember Dad getting frustrated that my Mom wouldn't answer the door right away as we stood outside. Apparently, he had left his key to the shop inside with her and couldn't open the door from the outside. So, he banged hard on the back and then the house's front door to get her to let us in. All the while, back inside, Mom was afraid to come out because of what she had experienced.

Eventually, my Mom heard my Dad fussing outside and knew it was him, and ran down the stairs and through the house to us waiting on her. She immediately wanted to leave. For this reason, as I grew up, I never wanted to be alone in that house at night. I was not sad at all when my parents wanted to move into a new place for their business and said goodbye to Innervisions. The place was creepy to me.

I do scare easily, and I'm afraid of the dark to this day. I don't even like being alone in my own home sometimes, let alone at night. When that happens, I sometimes run to reach my final destination.

I love that movie franchise too. The film's producers took everything in life and turned it into a way you could die. Everything from airplanes, race tracks, bridges, highway accidents, and roller coasters are the big events at the film's beginning. It doesn't include the kitchens, drive-throughs, showers, apartments, movie theaters, escalators, gyms, swimming pools, elevators, fences, Lasik eye surgeries, tanning beds, and dentist's offices you could die in too. Whoever thought they could actually die at a dental visit??? It could happen if the building collapsed on you. Yeah, that happened, too, in the movies.

The notion of something or someone sneaking up behind you, stalking you has always terrified people. But in this dream, something was after me. I've heard that if you dream of being chased, you're running from some sort of stress in real life. But in this dream, I wasn't being chased. I was being stalked. And in this case, it caught me.

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Dream Three: "There is Someone Walking Behind You" (May 4, 2020, 7 AM)

I was at my grandparent's house on Johanna Circle in Anderson. I could see the den and kitchen area with the air conditioning unit in the window, as they customarily were back in the 1980s. But this was not the past again. It was the present day, and my parents and I were over at Johanna Circle visiting my grandparents, Maw Maw, and Paw Paw.

Maw Maw was in the kitchen cooking like she so often did, and Paw Paw was up walking around the den as I started making my way down the hallway to the bedrooms. The house on Johanna Circle was small but lovely. It still had three bedrooms, two baths, and a laundry area, and was quite nice for a small family. Perfect for Maw Maw and Paw Paw.

I could hear Mom and Dad in the bathroom down the hall and went to go ask them something as they were getting cleaned up and flossing together. Like, actual flossing, not the dance. Cleaning their teeth.

They both exited the bathroom when they finished, and I saw my Mom look at me. I was still coming down the hallway, which seemed unusually long. This was not a long house, but my walk down the hall took longer. Then I saw the look on my mother's face.

My mom's eyes got wide, and her face seemed pale. She looked terrified and was looking beyond me. She told my Dad to go toward the back bedroom on the other side of the hall, which he did. When she got to that room, she closed the door slightly, putting the door between her and the hallway, which included me. I then asked my Mom what was wrong.

"Someone's behind you."

I could hear Maw Maw and Paw Paw in the room behind me talking but in the distance. Then, I could feel someone behind me. I could feel them standing right there, so I spun around.

There was no one there. It was just an empty hallway, with light coming in from the outside through the windows, and I could still hear Maw Maw and Paw Paw talking. I went into the bathroom that was now dark, where my parents had been, and turned on the light. No one was there. 

This ended the dream.

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A few things about the setting:

1. The house on Johanna Circle had been in the family since 1981 until the mid-2010s. My grandparents, Maw Maw and Paw Paw, lived there until 2007, when they moved in with my parents. They started renting the house after that until they sold it. So, unfortunately, I couldn't get a picture of the hallway in that house for this post. Thus, the image you see is from my own home.

2. Returning to that house on Johanna Circle had more to do with seeing Maw Maw and Paw Paw again. Maw Maw died in 2012, and Paw Paw in 2019. What I experienced in the dream, however, was not a memory. They were alive and well as if still living today, just like Niney had been in the current day. My parents and I were apparently at their house visiting them, as we often did.

3. My parents cleaning their teeth was a funny moment in the dream. My parents have always been adamant about dental hygiene. They always made sure I went to the dentist growing up and continue to do so to this day. So hearing them do that was a fun moment. However, the rest of the interaction was much different. In the dream, my mom looked past me with wide eyes. She did this sort of thing in jest to me all the time growing up. It was to get a scare out of me as a child. But this time, the look was all too real. It was the look I imagine she had at the shop that night when she turned around to find no one standing there. Terrified, to say the least. She even ran away to hide, leaving me in the process. This is not how things might have gone in real life, as my Mom would have stayed with me. What that told me in the dream, something awful was coming up behind me.

4. Turning around to find nothing didn't really scare me in the dream. It was unnerving, but I wasn't afraid. I was confused. That's why I went into the bathroom to try to find whatever was behind me, but nothing was there also. But something had been behind me. I would have never doubted my Mom for saying that. If she saw something there, then it was there. But where did it go?

5. You might recall me saying this dream occurred on Star Wars Day. You may have been expecting Yoda or someone to appear in the dream, but the date was inconsequential. That day just happened to be the day the dream occurred. But two old, wise people were there in my dream that I adored and respected most of my life. My parents were also there, like masters overseeing me, as I was their apprentice. The dream had similarities to Luke's walk into the cave where he confronted Vader. However, in my case, there was no Vader to be found. The enemy was within and was only beginning to show itself.

That enemy was overtaking everything, and with the final dream, it revealed itself as the monster that it truly was...

10: What Dreams May Come Part 2

 Do you remember the movie Something Wicked This Way Comes?

This was a Ray Bradbury novel turned into a movie in 1983. I remember watching that film as a kid and being just as entranced as some townspeople within the film. It wasn't an overly scary film but it had a deep, darker meaning. Concerns over aging, being different, and ultimately fear itself. The carousel was the scariest part as it sped up and caused a person to age, and in one scene, the person aged rapidly until their body began to decay.

That's similar to my dreams from 2019-2021, albeit quite different from the film or the book. As I said before, the dreams get darker with each iteration. In that sense, it reminds me of the woes of Revelation. Each woe got progressively worse as people experienced what was happening or what was to come. Likewise was the case for me, as these four woes of my dreams pointed towards a future issue I was unaware of.

In 2019, the dream seemed like something surreal. Fleeting, but the details remained with me. That made the dream different. Nearly two years would pass before I understood exactly what the dream that year meant. 

Now the time is April 2020. As you can imagine, having bizarre dreams seemed normal then. In fact, with how bizarre reality had become, with lockdowns, a highly contagious virus, political turmoil, and societal unrest that were only beginning to brew, a dream was normal and better. True colors came out in 2020, lines were drawn, and the result was a world shaken to its core by uncertainty. 

That should come as no surprise that the next two dreams were in close succession, a week apart. The content of the dreams was, well, you'll find out shortly. Why don't we get rolling with what comes next....

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Dream Two: "Someone is Here" (April 27, 2020, 6:15 AM)

I was outside in my parent's backyard on Bellview again. It was a bright, sunny day and felt like springtime. That again led me to believe it was the current day. As I was tending to something in my parent's backyard, I looked back up toward their house and saw through the glass door that separates the house from the patio. What I saw inside the house I couldn't believe.

Standing in the center of my parent's den was a white figure. This wasn't a white man or woman, but a solid white apparition-looking being. This being appeared luminescent, almost glowing, and the demeanor made me think of someone having thrown a sheet over their whole body. 

This figure startled me as I looked into the house. I also saw my dad come into view and walk up beside the being. I was stunned. A ghostly figure was standing within inches of my father in his den. I had no choice but to run into the house to see what this being or person might be. From my perspective, it was, in fact, a ghost.

I charged through the screen door, flinging it open, and through the kitchen into the den. But as I walked into the den, the ghost was gone. I anxiously looked around the room, noting that the overhead light was on, and Leslie and my dad were still standing there. I was frantically looking around, spinning in circles to find this being. I remember saying, "Something is in here!"

But after I uttered that, Leslie grabbed my attention from across the room. As I stared at her, Leslie began to convulse while standing. Her arms were moving bizarrely, and she mumbled incoherent sounds. No words, just distorted noises. She was moving across the room towards me and then away as I came over and started to reach for her. My dad was looking on, as he couldn't understand what she was doing either. 

As I grabbed hold of Leslie, that's when she collapsed to the ground. I guided her body to the floor, watching her eyes roll back in her head. She looked the same way she appeared the day she passed out on me in the elevator at AnMed Health. That day at the hospital, Leslie had labs drawn but hadn't eaten anything yet. She was squeamish about blood, and she passed out after having the needle taken out and blood drawn. This had happened to her once before, before our dating. That moment in the elevator was the only time it happened with me present. Now, she passed out again and almost acted like she was having a seizure.

As Leslie lay there, convulsing, I yelled for my dad to get help and stood back up for a second. When I stood up, I began yelling, "Something's in here! Something's in here!"

Suddenly everything went black. I couldn't see anything. It was like the room, and everything in it had vanished. In the darkness and silence, I heard a voice say, "Someone is here. Someone is here."

After hearing that phrase, I woke up from my dream. When I did, I was lying in bed at my parent's house, in the Clemson bed pictured above. I lay there for a second, processing the sound of the voice in the phrase. It was unrecognizable to me. But as I replayed the sound of the voice in my head, something odd happened. This energy wave shot out from the center of my body and went through me in all directions, head to toe. The wave originated from the center mass of my chest and abdomen, below where the xiphoid process is located on the bottom of the sternum. 

This wave shot out twice. The only way to describe the wave was like a sense of dread. Have you ever had a sense of dread that sends a sensation through your whole body, maybe because you're nervous or scared of something? That's what this felt like, only much more intensely. This felt like something sent a pressure wave through my soul. I didn't move until things settled down, and the sensation disappeared. After it did, I was fine.

A bizarre dream, in a bizarre time, with an equally bizarre reaction. But the phrase was something haunting. "Someone is here. Someone is here." What did that mean, who said it, and who is here?

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A few things about the setting:

1. April 27 was the anniversary of Leslie and I going on our first date in 2001. That reason alone made me think the significance centered around Leslie more than me. April 2020 was her 40th birthday, 11 days earlier. The lockdowns from the pandemic messed up any birthday plans we had for her that year because everything was shut down. So, my thoughts dwelled on Leslie and my concerns about her. I was worried something bad was happening to her or would.

2. The ghost figure was as tall as a man or woman but had no face or other recognizable markings you would attribute to a human. It looked like someone had thrown a glowing sheet over someone in the center of the room, and they just stood there. No holes for eyes. 

3. When I ran into the house to see this being, I wasn't anxious out of fear as much as I was curious. I didn't expect them to disappear, though. That made me more anxious. However, when Leslie started convulsing, my attention shifted to her until she was safely on the ground. Then I began going back to trying to find whatever this being was in the house.

4. The wave was terrifying when it happened. I had never felt something like that before in my life. It felt like something sent a ripple through my being. Maybe someone?

We'll have to see where the next dream takes this story. It happened a week later on Star Wars Day...

10: What Dreams May Come Part 1

Have you ever had a dream that seemed so real you questioned whether it was a dream?

In the span of two years, I had four dreams that felt more real than my waking life. These dreams were unique because, for years before that, I couldn't remember any dreams much. Sure, every so often, I had an interesting dream that I could recall, but it was fleeting. Eventually, most of the details of your run-of-the-mill dreams go away. I still have those types of dreams every so often today. 

But these four dreams, from May 15, 2019, through March 3, 2021... were vivid dreams.

Vivid dreams stay with you forever. You remember every detail as if it happened yesterday or an hour ago. These types of dreams skirt the boundary between real and unreal. There is certainly fantasy to them, but the realism of the dream feels like it actually happened right then.

It feels like a perfect simulation of reality.

I love working in simulation in nursing education. Simulation allows you to do things that are real in the care of patients without all the risk of hurting someone. You can make a mistake and simply reset it. It's a lot like a video game, only more serious. However, I haven't met many people that didn't take video games seriously because the goal is to win. So, your ultimate goal in simulation is to succeed as a participant. But as the facilitator of the simulation, or the person creating or running it, you try to make it as realistic as possible. A facilitator does whatever it takes to make a simulation seem real so that the participant in the experience feels like they are really there within it. So the participant can't discern real from unreal. As a nurse educator, the goal is for the participant or student to learn from the experience.

These vivid dreams taught me a lesson because the facilitator of them made them perfect. 

I have to believe the dreams were from God. It's the only thing that makes sense, looking back on each one. Because they weren't dreams at all. They were warnings. 

I also have to warn you or issue a disclaimer. With each dream, things become more intense. The dreams become progressively darker each time. The dreams culminate in a final moment that will be revealed in the Dream Analysis after the conclusion of the next four posts, including this one. I was terrified by each one. 

The next question on your mind might be, why would God terrify me with a dream? Well, have you ever read the Book of Revelation? "He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."--Revelation 3:22.  Revelation uses fear quite a bit to grab the reader's attention. Revelation is, in fact, a horror story that ends well. It's been said that Jesus Christ spoke more of Hell than He did Heaven in his teachings. He sometimes used fear to get people to listen. When God speaks, you listen in whatever form that may arise. That's how I can remember the dates and times when these dreams occurred.

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Dream One: "A Knock at the Door" (May 15, 2019, 5:45 AM)

I was at my parent's house on Bellview Road, the inside of the house was so clear, and the attic door was open. I was putting up Christmas decorations and had the attic light on above and light coming from the bathroom and down the hallway.

A few seconds later, I could hear my mother's clock chime in the den, her newly purchased Swarovski Clock that chimes different tunes and melodies. We had gotten it for her the past Christmas, so it was still new and fresh. Then a familiar voice started speaking to me.

My grandmother Niney was walking up with a box of Christmas items for me to carry into the attic for her. She simply asked me to carry that box up the steps for her. I, of course, told her I would.

After placing that box in the attic, I returned, and Niney asked me if I could take something out to the carport quickly. I said yes and carried the item out to the carport for her, going through my parent's back door. One of the cars my parents drive was missing. That explained why Niney and I were the only ones in the house then. Everyone else was gone somewhere.

It was dark outside, and street lights were on with cars passing by on the road. I put the box down and stood back up. When I did, a vehicle was pulling up in the driveway. I looked out in the direction of the car pulling up, and all I could make out were the headlights. From my vantage point, the headlights reminded me of an older model Jeep Cherokee with squared-off duel headlights. 

Looking out at the car started to unnerve me, however. I was now on edge, fearing who might be in the Jeep. Suddenly I heard a voice holler out, "Hey!"

Before that utterance, I had already started moving toward the back door. Once the person yelled that at me, I bolted for the back door and slammed the screen door shut, locking it. The carport light was on, so I knew I had to close the wooden door, too, before someone walked up and saw me. I slammed that door shut, too, and put the chain and deadbolt on. My parent's back door has a set of blinds on them, so I could see the light coming in through the blinds. I looked to my right and thought I saw a figure pass in front of the side window looking into the carport. This spooked me, and I ran to another part of the house.

I went into my parent's hallway and turned toward the left to the front bedroom. This had been my bedroom years earlier when I lived at home. The blinds were shut in the bedroom, but the lamp illuminated the blinds. I took my fingers, moved the blinds slightly, and peered out the window to see what I could see.

I saw outside the headlights of a car shining across the front lawn. Through the lights, I could see the reflection of multiple people's legs walking in a side-by-side line toward my bedroom window across the lawn. I was terrified. What are they doing? Why are they coming here? What do they want?

Because of my fear, I went back into the hallway and stood in the center where the back door going to the carport could be seen. That's when I heard it.

Knock, knock.

Someone was knocking on the back door, and I turned my head to see. The blinds were drawn, but from the light shining down through the carport, I could see the silhouette of a person standing outside the door, lowering their arm from knocking and waiting for someone to answer. Niney was no longer in the house with me. I was completely alone, standing in the hallway staring at the back door.

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A few things about the setting:

1. The clock was significant as I had given it to my parents for Christmas in 2018. This made it clear the dream was happening in the current day.

2. Niney, my grandmother, passed away on October 16, 1998. She was the one assisting me in putting up Christmas decorations. This is highly significant because not only was she alive and well, she was walking and had lost both legs due to complications from diabetes and a stroke before her death.

3. I have no idea, to this day, who the people were in the Jeep, nor who the person was at the back door knocking to come in.

4. May 15, 2019, was my grandmother Niney's 101st birthday. At the time, I thought the dream was about her and my missing her. That made sense in 2019, especially with the dream happening on her birthday. I remember doing a post the next day saying I believed I was trying to keep the people from coming to get my Niney. Somehow I believed they were coming to take her away, perhaps for good. I thought this was my wishing she was still alive and that I missed her greatly. 

But the interaction with Niney had nothing to do with her. It had everything to do with me.

Tune in next week for 10: What Dreams May Come Part 2--Something is Here...