10: Can I really do this?

 Can I do this?

I used to watch a show called Lost. I loved the unknown possibilities of existence it offered, to steal a phrase from Q from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Imagine an island where anything is possible. That's what the show Lost offered. But one thing that came up sometimes was the character Locke making the statement, "Don't tell me what I can't do?"

Locke was confined to a wheelchair. He hadn't been able to use his legs for some time before the crash of Oceanic Flight 815. Miraculously, he could walk again upon reaching the island following the crash. Locke had already survived a horrific crash with an airliner and now regained the ability to walk just from being on the island.

At the provider visit on that day in April, I wanted to feel like Locke.

I was filled with doubt, however.

As the provider and I discussed changes that would need to be made, so I might become someone living without diabetes, I was filled with nothing but doubt. It wasn't because of what the provider told me or even suggested. It was just me.

I was scared to death of ending up like my grandmother.

But I also listened.

My provider began outlining things I could do and asking me questions about my habits.

Firstly, I would have to start taking Glucophage, which was a real downer for me. I never wanted to be on any prescription medication. My grandfather successfully lived until he was 92 years old without any prescriptions. I thought I could do the same since his blood flowed through my veins. Now I was wrong. I would likely have to take this drug for the rest of my life. Glucophage wasn't enough, though. There were going to have to be big changes in my lifestyle.

The first change regarded my eating habits. That was one I hated listening to even more. I would have to give up things I had loved and craved for many years. Here is a laundry list of things I would no longer be able to eat or drink:

1. Sweet Tea-and I LOVED Sweet Tea

2. All other sugary drinks-any soft drinks, slushies, drinks containing sugars like Gatorade, and milkshakes, just to name a few.

3. Reduce or eliminate sweets that I eat-ice cream, cookies, Sweet Tarts, Milkduds, cake

4. Reduce or eliminate fatty foods-you know, anything delicious (the list is too long to detail here)

The reduced fatty foods are related to my elevated cholesterol levels. I had to reduce saturated and trans fats too, so I had more grilled items than fried ones. 

Diet drinks were still permissible in moderation, so I could still have my Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi (if you can find it), but only 20 ounces a day at most. I really didn't like that. Water would be the primary thing I would need to start drinking more often.

As all of this was laid out, I thought, No more M&M blasts on the night shift anymore. I would get one of those almost every time I worked at the hospital back then. Sometimes it was a way for my family to come to visit me quickly in the evening. I loved that, but those were gone now.

It was depressing listening to all of this. It didn't help to talk about exercise next.

When I first started working at Clemson, I was exercising very consistently. During my first year working there, I routinely ran around the campus and up the big hill of Fort Hill Street, leading from Memorial Stadium (aka Death Valley) up to Calhoun Mansion. If you have never seen this hill, it's steep and stretches for nearly a quarter mile. That made for an intense workout. However, it had been years since I ran up that hill. It had been years since I last ran. My final run was during the summer of 2019, a mile run after clinical one day. I had stopped running because I thought I was getting too old to do it.

You read that right. At 42, I had decided I was too old to run anymore. The final 5K race I participated in was the Color Me Lucky Run in March 2019. Her is my picture from the race.

Looking back at this final race picture from 2019, the last one I thought I would ever have, I looked miserable. I could tell my weight was up, especially in my stomach. I looked like I was struggling. Yes, running 3.1 miles is not easy and can be a struggle, but I felt like I was struggling more than usual that day. My heart wasn't in it to run; it showed in my time. This was the slowest race I've ever participated in that was timed. Running this race took me 39 minutes and 45 seconds that day. This was a terrible race when you had been accustomed to running times below 30 minutes for years.

I did necessarily look unhealthy in this picture. But even then, I could feel something wasn't quite right.

My exercise routine since March 2019 became inconsistent up until March 2021. Most of the time, I walked, sometimes for 30 minutes. Sometimes the walks were over 30 minutes. Sometimes the walk was for 15 minutes or less. Over the 2 years since the 5K, not only had running become nonexistent for me but so had walking routinely. One thing I did not like during that 2 year period was my Apple smartwatch. Like isn't the best word to use here.

I HATED that smartwatch.

Apple watches have rings for monitoring activity, one for standing up to 12 times a day, one for exercise, which is typically set to 30 minutes a day, and one for movement, which can vary wildly from person to person. My calorie count for the movement was set to 910 calories burned a day. But I hated those rings. I got tired of being reminded how little activity I was doing whenever I wore the thing. It was really amazing I was still wearing it, to be honest. I would have arguments with my watch sometimes, fortunately, when no one else was around. I really didn't want to work out anymore, and I didn't want to listen to a watch telling me to do it.

That was the problem, though. I wasn't that I couldn't work out anymore. I didn't want to.

Now, because of this A1c, I had to.

That brought on more doubt.

My thoughts were, So, I have to completely change my diet while cultivating out at least 30 minutes of exercise, not just walking either, at least 3-4 times a week, monitoring my blood sugars 3 times a day, all while navigating a dissertation process, whatever work brings at Clemson and AnMed Health, whatever my family needs, whatever unexpected events take place. 

How am I going to do all of this?

April 6, 2021, was a different kind of day than March 31, 2021. I was at rock bottom a week before. Despite all of this doubt, April 6 provided a glimmer of hope.

When the provider told me to exercise 3-4 times a week, I had already started trying to do more that past week. Remember, I went on a walk in the middle of a rain storm on March 31st and kept walking at least for the next week a minimum of 30 minutes a day. I decided that week to embrace my smartwatch and stop hating it. So, I began standing, moving, and exercising like it wanted me to do each day.

But that wasn't enough. I also needed to have some resistance to my exercise too. That meant weight lifting and strength training that I hadn't done in almost 20 years. Running, at that moment, was still out. So, I knew this part of lifting weights would be hard. Somehow, I would do it.

Next was balancing my diet. Another positive that came from the discussion was that I had a few things I already did that I could still do. For one, I loved eating at the restaurant Barberitos. Barberitos is a southwestern-styled restaurant in my hometown. My family loved going there at least once a week for burritos, chips, cheese, and salsa. I described to my provider what I typically ordered there. I usually got a wheat burrito with black beans, regular chicken (no guac or rice), salsa, shredded lettuce and cheese, and sauteed mushrooms. My provider said, "That's excellent!" I asked about the chips, and they said I could have up to 26 of them with salsa but would have to cut down on the cheese dip if not eliminated. That was rough about the cheese dip, but I felt that was reasonable.

That filled me with hope. I can still eat at Barberitos! I was happy to hear that and realize, Ok, if I can eat that, I can be creative with some things too. Maybe these changes wouldn't be as severe as I thought.

You see, the key to managing diabetes is balance. You obviously can't have a ton of sweets, but you can still have some things you like within reason.

Getting a large M&M Blast was not the best choice at my age. But there are other snacks I could try, like pretzel bites and carrots. Again, a manageable amount, not an entire container of pretzel bites or carrots at one time.

Another food my provider said could be ok...popcorn. Yes, popcorn! I can still have popcorn!!!

Just not the way I did for years. I loved getting movie popcorn, loading it up with butter, and eating it to my delight through a movie. Additionally, Milkduds would accompany me for that encounter.

Milkduds gone. Butter gone. Popcorn would still be ok in moderation, meaning I can't eat an entire tub at once.

The sadness was still there, but the depression of the moment was beginning to lift. Despite my fear, I began to feel like Locke always did. Except I was talking to myself. I was trying to tell myself to stop telling me what I couldn't do.

That day was a new day, April 6, 2021. I posted about it and decided I would somehow beat this. I was going to become someone living with controlled diabetes, for now, with the goal of someday becoming someone that lives without diabetes.

That's when a hero came along...

Tune in next time for that story.