10: Satanic Attacks

 Have you ever experienced a satanic attack? Movies present grandiose ways that satan comes after Christian and non-Christian people. Whether it's The Exorcist or The Conjuring, they depict terrifying, lethal ways satan interacts with humans. But the reality is much more subtle in ways you might never truly imagine. All you have to do is go back to the first time satan attacked a human, and you'll see why.

Adam and Eve experienced the first satanic attack in Genesis Chapter 3.

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"

The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'"

"You will not certainly die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

Genesis 3:1-5 source: Bible Gateway

I imagine satan looking more like the snake in the pic on this post than some terrifying monster-like presence. This creature had to be somewhat alluring that Eve would even listen. Of course, you know how the rest of the story goes after talking to this creature. Eve tempts Adam, and Adam and Eve partake of the fruit. Then, they are cast out due to their disobedience. 

But it started with something so subtle. Eve thought maybe satan was right.

Another line from a movie that comes to mind is when Darth Vader says, "Your thoughts betray you."

I like to tell my students not to change answers when preparing for an exam. One of the biggest issues students have, myself included, is changing answers on tests. Most of the time, your first instinct is correct, so go with it. But I take it one step further. I tell the students don't even change the answer in your head. The reason is that your thoughts can betray you. Because our thoughts are where both satan and God reside.

Both will tug at you in subtle ways and then slap you in the face at other times with it. But satan really takes it a step further. He loves to just sit in your mind and twist, manipulate, and coerce every thought you've ever had. God doesn't operate like that. God lets you make choices but expects you to live with them.

That's what I was faced with the night of July 13 into the morning of July 14 before I was discharged from Orangeburg. My thoughts were betraying me. The reason was because satan was attacking.

You might think COVID was the satanic attack occurring when you first started reading, but COVID is just COVID. It's just like the apple. All the fuss with the serpent was about a simple apple. COVID is pretty simple, too. It's just a virus. Either you get it, or you don't. Unfortunately, I got COVID, which has sometimes been implicated in causing Atrial Fibrillation in patients. The previous year, I had heart concerns arise before the first time I ever had COVID, so I had a history of potential concerns. Perhaps something was there that was unseen in 2022 but came to be once COVID factored in.

But no matter the circumstances, none warranted the mindset I developed that evening on July 13. That was the point when satan attacked.

"I lies to her, it tells her things only a child could understand."-Poltergeist

Satan took my thoughts and twisted them. In the previous post, I outlined all the negativity going through my mind that evening and what I said to my mother. I was beginning to think, maybe that is right.

But it wasn't.

I wasn't thinking about everything else that had gotten me to this point. It's easy to look back on the last 2 years and think that if I had taken better care of myself, maybe I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now.

But how do you know? Perhaps something worse might have happened had I taken care of myself better. Perhaps something that might have cost me my life.

God doesn't want us to die. He wants us to live in Him. That's a huge difference between satan and God, with his embodiment in Christ. Christ died so we could live and cherish every moment because it will never come again.

That's something a colleague of mine reminded me of a few weeks ago when talking to them about the Afib concerns. If you do all you can and something still happens, you must give that to God. 

That day in the hospital, I suppose the only things that were "off" were the Afib and COVID. All of my other bloodwork and tests were basically expected ranges. Now was a time for healing and follow-up once I got back home.

But the self-loathing did extend a bit into the next day. I was saddened by the fact my family and I couldn't do the beach trip we had planned. I wasn't going to be able to present at the conference I had planned on attending. But at the same time, health concerns were more important to look at for me and my family. Obviously, we couldn't just go on vacation with COVID. However, additional heart concerns warranted coming home.

On the way home, I still had thoughts creep in. Doubts. I thought about all that had happened the last 2 years, and maybe if I had taken better care of myself in the past, I wouldn't be where I am now. See how that nasty thought creeps back in sometimes. Satan's ploy. It's not right. It's just a thought.

For the last 2 years, I've worked diligently to change my habits and correct the A1c of 10. During that time, those efforts also helped me understand things better and change aspects of my life for the better. Again, what if those things hadn't occurred. Would I be alive today to worry about Afib? There are worse things that could happen to a person.

"For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison." 2 Corinthians 4:17

Also translated, "This too shall pass."

At that time, I didn't completely understand what was happening to me, but I knew it had to be for a reason. Time would bring it to light and help me to understand so that I can incorporate what is needed into my life to help myself and others. That's the real point, in the end, serving others. So, whenever those thoughts creep in, satan's ploys to trick you into something you know you shouldn't do, don't let it. It's easy to believe that no one else will know. But someone will. You will. And Christ will. That's what satan hopes you will do: ignore those two individuals and listen to it. But eventually, the time will come when a reckoning is made, and that's when you'll hear the one true voice of Christ telling you what is next.

Tune in next time for 10: It's Time.

10: COVID AFIB

 

On July 1, 2023, I began the month running. It was the third consecutive year I've participated in America's 5K. It's a fun race to run, as you always get a participation medal and a nice way to usher in the summer holiday week. I ran that race in 30:40, the second 5K of the year around that time, and an improvement from the year before when I ran the race by almost two and a half minutes. In 2022, I was coming off completing my dissertation, and I was just beat. I was really lucky I ran the 5K at all that year.

Besides nagging knee soreness going into the race, I did just fine. The heat that morning did get to me because it was hot. Hotter than it had been the previous two years. I've understood that July 2023 was one of the hottest months since 1880. July 1st was definitely a prelude to the rest of the month. I just remember being drenched in sweat after the race, sitting for a bit to rest, and heading home to enjoy the rest of my weekend, leading to a vacation with the family. No harm, no foul, just heat and a 5K for a hot time of year.

Vacation was, well, vacation. It was a much-needed rest from the grind of the summer. I had been in clinicals and research all summer up to this point. So, heading to Wilderness at the Smokies for a few days was a welcome fun time with the family. We had a ball all week, went to Soaky Mountain Waterpark, ate good food, and enjoyed time together. I rode every water slide the place had at the time. They are currently adding some new ones to the indoor waterpark. 

The next week was back to the grind, but I also had a conference to attend that Friday with the South Carolina Nursing Education Simulation Alliance (SCNESA). I'm on the board for this organization and had planned on presenting my dissertation research there. So, that week was all about prepping for the conference. I even started getting back into the gym to lift weights that week, as I had hoped to help Leslie take the kids there the rest of the summer. Everything was going according to plan, and everything was upbeat and positive.

Thursday, July 13, 2023. I woke up feeling fine and ready to head out to Hilton Head. Mando even slept with us the night before, and I got greeted by him laying his ever-growing body right on top of my head. I felt like Mando didn't want us to leave. Perhaps some foreshadowing of the day. We ate breakfast at Waffle House and planned lunch at The Salty Dog Cafe once we got to Hilton Head. So, we headed down I-26 towards Columbia and branched off in the direction of Charleston to get to I-95 to move toward Hilton Head.

That's when it happened.

A few miles down the road past Columbia, I started having this odd sensation in my chest. It felt a little like the Premature Ventricular Contractions (PVCs) I would have sometimes. I certainly got those when I was stressed, and traffic in Columbia is definitely something to be stressed about. But this felt different. It felt like the PVCs were never-ending. I began to realize these were not PVCs at all. My heart was racing, and it wouldn't slow down.

I told Leslie it felt like my heart was racing. She asked if I was okay, and I said I wasn't sure. It was beginning to unnerve me as I continued driving down the interstate. I was really concerned about driving. It felt like my heart would race out of my chest, and I was worried that I would become dizzy or lose consciousness. I'm driving down the interstate, going around 70 miles per hour in a truck with other cars flying around me. This situation was bad for me, my family, and the other drivers. So, I told Leslie I had to pull over.

We pulled off the interstate on the side of the road, and I turned off the truck. I carefully got out and made my way around to the other side of the truck near the embankment. The whole time, I was walking, but my heart was still racing. Now that I didn't hear the sounds of the truck, radio, or anyone talking around me, I could hear my heartbeat. It felt and sounded like what I would feel running a 5K. It wasn't slowing down a bit. I tried taking deep breaths. That didn't work. I stood there and wanted to sit down on the side of the road, but I was worried about sitting in the grass and maybe fire ants being nearby. I stood there beside my truck on the side of the road, clutching my chest. All I could think was, Is this where I die today?

I guess that would be a natural thing to wonder about, especially where the heart is concerned. If a major organ is having issues, and you don't know why, you speculate about everything. But then the nurse in me took over and helped to calm my nerves. I began to realize, Jason, you have no pain. There's no numbness or tingling anywhere. You're not short of breath. Your heart is just racing, and that is all. You're not dying, but you do need to figure out what this is right now.

With that thought, I got back in the truck, where Leslie was starting to go to pieces. She was scared and felt powerless as I sat in the passenger seat with Abby moving to the driver's seat. I don't think either of my children really understood what was happening. Leslie wanted to cry as she asked me what to do. I told her I thought I should go to a hospital. Neither of us had any clue where the closest hospital was in that area. We were in between locations from Columbia down to the lower part of the state, so I didn't know where to go. Leslie did the only thing she knew to do: she dialed 9-1-1. 

An ambulance arrived within 10 minutes of our location. Once they arrived, I exited the truck and walked up to them. Now, this is a good thing. If you can get out and walk to the paramedics, you're not in as bad shape as you think. My heart was still racing. So, the paramedics helped me into the ambulance and hooked me up to a monitor. The heart rate (HR) read 164 beats per minute (bpm). It also said Atrial Fibrillation (Afib). 

I've seen Afib on patients before, but I never expected it on myself. Certainly, it could happen, but my cardiologist said my heart was in great shape a month earlier, and I didn't have to return for 2 years. Obviously, I would be visiting my cardiologist again very soon. The paramedics said Orangeburg Regional Medical Center was the closest hospital to our location. Leslie followed us there as I took the first ambulance ride of my life. However, I was not emergent, so the lights were not turned on. That, too, is a good thing.

Being in the ambulance got me into the emergency room (ER) faster, allowing me to be seen more quickly. My HR wasn't slowing down a bit either once they connected me to the monitor. 179 bpm was what I saw at one point, but it kept bouncing around in the 140s to 160s, like an infant's heart rate. The 179 reading was the highest it went throughout this situation. For a good while, I was alone in the windowless room of the ER. Leslie and the kids were in the waiting area waiting to see when they could possibly come back. 

The nurses and provider first drew labs on me to get baseline levels and started giving me Cardizem intravenous (IV) push through a syringe in the IV line. During all of this, I still never felt pain, dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea, numbness, or tingling of any kind. Just a racing heart that had lowered some to the 130s to 150s. They gave me another dose of Cardizem IV push to try to help again, and by this time, my family could join me in the room. We had been there for about an hour, and the provider said they would start a Cardizem drip on me because my heart was not slowing down much. I was still in Afib. So, the nurse started the drip, and in between, they also gave me an Amylodarone bolus. This actually helped get my heart rate to bounce between 99 to 120. I thought for a minute that might right the ship. But then the nurse let me know another thing from my lab work.

I was COVID-19 positive.

All of my other labwork was perfectly normal. Liver enzymes, complete blood count, and basic metabolic profile were all within normal limits. The only things that were off were my HR and COVID. This would mark the second time I had COVID-19 since the pandemic began. Of course, that probably meant my whole family had it too. There wasn't much we could do at this point, being over two hours away from home. All we could do now was deal with what had been presented in front of us.

The provider then came in to talk to me. With my HR still in the 120s-130s, they said they couldn't send me home and would have to admit me for continued observation on the Cardizem drip. My first hospital stay that didn't involve work. I had spent many nights in a hospital working and caring for patients, but never as a patient myself. This was a totally new experience for me. That also depressed me.

I couldn't believe the situation I was in. I had accepted it, but I hated it. I hated myself for it. Somewhere along the way, I had picked up COVID. Because of my report the month before, I felt COVID was the culprit for this Afib issue. I was horribly disappointed in myself because I thought I was doing all I could to prevent getting COVID. I took all the vaccines to that point. I wore masks and supported leaders encouraging masks. I practiced social isolation for many months early in the pandemic and even throughout. Yet, here I was with COVID causing a big issue. But I stayed calm, all I could do, and worked with the staff there to determine how to help.

The staff at Orangeburg Regional Medical Center were exceptional. They did all they could to help me, ease my concerns, and treat me as best they could. I was truly grateful. They eventually moved me to a hospital room where I could settle in for the night. Once I arrived at the unit, they connected a heparin drip to me to help reduce the risk of a clot forming and causing a stroke. When you have Afib, a stroke is more likely. It doesn't mean a stroke will happen, but they must take precautions.

So, eventually, we all settled in for the night. My family had to stay elsewhere because only one person could have stayed, so I sat in the bed alone.

I did talk to my mom on the phone, who was worried sick about me, to the point she wanted to come down there. I told her there was no point in that, as I was stable and hooked to the drip. I wasn't in any immediate danger. But I was depressed. I told my mom how I felt.

I felt like a failure.

My mom told me I was in no way, shape, or form a failure. I needed to stop thinking like that and think about all that I had accomplished. The loving family I have, the career I've got, my faith, all good things. It didn't change the fact I still felt like a failure. I felt like a failure because I let my family down about the trip. I let my colleagues down about the conference. I didn't take care of myself like I should have for years, leading to my sugar issues now. I didn't do enough to protect myself or my family from COVID. Then I started into how I don't do well enough at work, whether it was Clemson, AnMed, or anywhere I've ever been. Everything that had been bothering me the previous months and years came up, whether it was financial, career, or life. Then I brought up how my mom had told me once that a doctor had told her that because of my mother's hormonal imbalance she had when she was younger, I probably should have never been. At that moment, I said to my mom, "Maybe I should have never been. Then I wouldn't be a burden now."

My mom wanted me to stop that! That instant! She talked to me a bit more, but I wasn't hearing it like I should. I was too busy wallowing in my own self-pity. She prayed with me, told me I needed to pray, and asked God to help me. I needed to stop thinking so negatively and look at all my blessings to this point in life. I was going to move beyond this, too. It would just take time. I heard that last thing from my mom. After we got off the phone, I did pray to God.

I asked Jesus to help me. Please, Jesus, slow my heart down and let it be back the way it was again. Please help me with my mindset. Please help me be positive and believe things will get better. Please help me with my feelings of hate, regret, anger, and focusing on so many negative things, many of which were out of my control. Please just help me, Jesus, I just need you. Like my mom said, you're always there and always guiding. I believed my dreams were from Jesus, trying to help me with the sugar concerns that were to come. I believed He wanted me to do more to help others. I believed he had a purpose for me that goes beyond what I can imagine. I just thanked Jesus for being there with me and prayed for a good rest of the night and rest if I could.

Then, on July 14, 2023, at 12:46 AM, the feeling in my chest was gone. Everything felt "normal." I looked up at the monitor and watched it for a few minutes. All it said was HR 62. There was no Afib label on it. The rhythm looked nice, easy, and smooth, or what we call Normal Sinus Rhythm (NSR). My heart had converted.

All I could say was, "Thank you, Jesus."

Tune in next week for 10: Satanic Attacks.

10: Good as Can Be

Ever heard of the 23 Enigma? You've probably heard of Number 23, a film starring Jim Carrey. This isn't in reference to the film. It's more about the uncanny circumstances surrounding the number 23. The number can have good or bad significance depending on how people view circumstances or coincidences. Of course, the number has mystical significance in pop culture beyond human understanding. But in reality, it's just another number.

I used to love a good conspiracy theory, even the movie with Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts in 1997. Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard) played the villain. But I learned from that movie that conspiracy theories have no basis in reality most of the time. Movies, of course, present that the conspiracy is real. But in real life, conspiracies would take a mountain of effort bigger than Olympus Mons on Mars to make them work. Whether the conspiracy is JFK, September 11, QANON, or the Moon Landing, you must remember the amount of effort it would take to pull it off. I read somewhere once that, in the case of the moon landing, it would have taken over 50,000 people to pull off the so-called hoax and trick the public into believing the United States landed on the moon in 1969. Someone would have slipped up over the years. Not to mention the assumption that everyone in America and other parts of the world are completely gullible. Not everyone is like George McFly. On July 20, 1969, two people stepped on the moon for all humanity, and that's it. No big conspiracy. No trickery. No Industrial Light and Magic. No, Captain Kirk. It was human ingenuity.

The latest conspiracy theory has been Atlantis and the Eye of the Sahara. I have to admit, I've been intrigued by the notion that the Eye of the Sahara is possibly the lost civilization of Atlantis, but the person pontificating this theory is a huge conspiracy theorist. If they just focused on searching for Atlantis, like many academics would do, the journey would have relevance and gain traction in research circles. But soon, the conspiracies not associated with Atlantis start coming up, over and over again, from this person. That notion of bringing up conspiracies lessens the efforts this person puts into researching Atlantis and trying to prove it exists. I'm still hopeful they prove Atlantis existed, but convincing anyone of its authenticity may take a long time.

So, what does this have to do with my blood sugars and the number 23 for me? Well, my next A1c check was on May 23, 2023. Naturally, my conspiring thought processes took over and started making me think negative things. That's another problem with conspiracies; they create loads of negativity sometimes. It is very easy to get lost in it, and in my own case, I had already shown anxiety and concerns over a slightly elevated A1c in the Fall of 2021. So, seeing the number 23 involved made me start thinking momentary negative thoughts.

That was until I read a devotion. That's what is so good about Jesus. He always has an answer out there waiting for you, whether you're receptive to it or not. The Bible verse that day said, "Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself."-Philippians 2:3.

Check your motives. That's a big statement to make to conspiracy theorists as well. Most of the time, the motive behind a good conspiracy is your personal gain. 

When it comes to my sugar issues, yes, they are issues that I have to work through daily. But I need to sometimes check my motives about why I'm doing what I do. If it is just something for me to boast about like I'm saying I'm really fit, look at me, or potentially make another feel bad in the process, then I'm not doing this for the right reasons.

Like with this blog, the main reason I do it is to tell a story about how I've worked through things so that it might help someone else working through sugar concerns of their own. We all can use a helping hand sometimes, so providing an outlet is essential for anyone working through a process they don't always understand. I certainly do not understand everything there is to know about Diabetes, but I have knowledge and actions that might help. I feel like that is what God wants me to do.

So, for the May 23 A1c check, it was just another day, and my mindset following graduation was one of joy and believing everything would work out the way God had intended. That was the case because, on this day, my A1c was 5.6 again.

I was excited but mostly humbled for it to return to normal, now with the goal of trying to keep it at the same level by November 2023. All my other blood work looked great, save for a slightly elevated Glucose of 117. None of us knew why, but for some reason, it was up a bit that morning. It happens.

Beyond May 23rd, I also went to see my cardiologist in June. At that visit, my vital signs and EKG were all normal, and because of that, I was told I would not have to return to the cardiologist again for 2 years. This was such a significant moment that the scheduler at the desk, when I was leaving, made the comment, "We don't see that one much." I was stoked! A great A1c, and my heart was in great shape after the events of Spring 2022. My stress was much lower; I was working on things that made me happy, and the summer was just beginning. This was As Good As It Gets (to steal a movie title).

Human ingenuity is a fun thing to think about. Particularly about the ancient past. I would love to believe that a super advanced ancient civilization did exist, like Atlantis, but the truth is that humans have been advanced for some time. We marvel at how ancient people did things and how those structures still stand today. Humans are good at making things, without a doubt. Whatever you put your mind to, you can accomplish, as George told Marty er Marty told George, and now time travel has me all confused about where it began.

If we went back in time, we'd see exactly how things unfolded, which may be the reason we can't. It's not important how things happened, but that we learn from them. Unfortunately, those ancient buildings and such have started to fade or have been destroyed. It's more important to learn what caused their demise than what brought them into being sometimes. Because when you least expect it, something can shatter what you perceive. That can happen as fast as a heart rate that is out of control.

Tune in next time for 10: COVID AFIB.

 

10: Divine Commencement

Graduation Day! Although I graduated in August 2022, the commencement ceremony for Mercer University is only held in May of each year. That meant my commencement ceremony would not be until May 2023. Appropriately enough, the commencement was on Mother's Day.

My mother and my wife had offered a great deal of support as I worked through my PhD, so giving them the gift of me finishing school was all too welcome. But they, and my mother-in-law, also did a lot to support me through my concerns with sugar and diabetes. Unfortunately, on this day, my mother-in-law couldn't join us, but she was cheering for me just the same as I walked across the stage. But what happened at commencement made for a truly divine encounter.

During my time in the PhD program, I had three other classmates I began with in Fall 2015. Unfortunately, one could not continue in the program, leaving what I called the Big Three. Laura, Paula, and I worked hard as we navigated the remaining coursework and the dissertation process. Laura completed her PhD in 2020 amid the COVID-19 pandemic. Fortunately, most of her research was completed before all the lockdowns, allowing her to work on analysis that didn't require meeting with individuals in person. However, Paula and I completed our proposals a year and a half after the pandemic began, meaning most things only required masks or vaccines. That allowed both of us to conduct in-person research and work towards completion of the program. Paula and I had a tight window to completion in 2022, but we did complete it!

It was an arduous journey for both of us, so of course, we planned on going to commencement. Because of the way the ceremony is set up, they put everyone in specific cohorts together. Bachelors students sat together. Master's students sat together. So, Paula and I, being the only PhD students, sat side by side for one last time as a "student" at Mercer. We would leave that day as official alumni at Mercer University. But the real divine piece to this didn't happen in the ceremony but in the stands surrounding us during the event.

My mom, dad, Leslie, and the kids sat in the stands above us, and I could see them waving to me from afar. We were at Gas South Arena in Duluth, Georgia. The stadium rose up from the ground floor, where the ceremony was conducted, allowing for a nice view for attendees. Eventually though, a lady came and sat down beside my mother. She asked first if she could sit there with her family, to which my mother replied yes immediately. There certainly was no assigned seating that day, except for us in the ceremony. Once they sat down, as my mother always does, she began to chat with the older lady and learn more about her.

My mom is a social butterfly and doesn't know a stranger. But on this day, this particular interaction would become strange. But in a good way.

At some point, while talking to one another, the lady sitting beside my mom started hollering down and waving at the graduate she was there to see, along with her family. My mom asked the lady who their graduate was, and the lady said it was her daughter, and she was down near the middle, in my location on the floor. My mom then asked her what degree her daughter had earned. The lady replied, "She earned her PhD in Nursing." My mom thought, what? Then the lady told my mother, "That's her next to that gentleman." The gentleman was me.

My mom was a little shocked. Somehow, in all these people in the stadium observing, my mom just happened to end up sitting beside my classmate's mother. Even more ironic was that my mom and Paula's mom wore black and white striped dresses to the event. My mom looked back at Paula's mother and said, "That gentleman is my son. He's graduating with his PhD in Nursing as well." Paula's mother was now shocked herself. Neither could believe they sat beside each other, just as their two children sat beside one another in the ceremony. People sitting near my mom and Paula's mom had heard some of this and began chiming in too. "You mean to tell me the two of you don't know each other, and both your kids are graduating from the same program, and you just happened to sit beside one another?" This person said they got cold chills thinking about it. "That is a God thing," said another person sitting nearby.

There's a lot of truth to that. Paula and I both went down to the wire on our PhDs, trying to complete them. Paula, unfortunately, had lost her father along the way, but still was striving to complete this journey in memory of him. That made for a very special moment as she walked across the stage, signifying the end of her journey in the program. I followed behind her shaking hands with the Dean, and having the President say to me, "Congratulations, Doctor" all while my mom yelled out, "That's my son." He voice cracked a little bit in the process of yelling. Of course, after the ceremony, we all went and pigged out! My family and I had some yummy Japanese at Kani House in Buford, one of our favorite places to go.

But after all of this excited simmer down, May 23rd was fast approaching. This was the day that would determine where my A1c was at that time, after another 6 month stretch. I was doing pretty well with my dieting, minus a big meal on this day with graduation, but I was still concerned had I done enough? If the A1c was still up, where would things take me next with my regimen. Honestly, with all the good that was happening leading up to May 23rd, 2023, I had a better feeling that I was expressing. Besides, the number 23 was on my side. 

Tune in next time for the next segment 10: Good as Can Be.

10: Swamp Rabbits, Grants, and Graduations, OH MY!

So, after a kidney of fire, another 5.8 A1c, COVID-19, ER visits, and a lot of stress, it was time to simmer down some in the early months of 2023. 

Honestly, I had been to the ER as many times in the past 8 months as I had the previous 8 years, and 2023 had only just begun. February 1, 2023, was when I found out everything was okay with my kidney, and I didn't have to return for a year for a simple follow-up visit in February 2024.

Knowing everything is back to "normal " is a relief, reducing anxiety greatly. But this February was a bit different than in 2022. I didn't have the dissertation lording over me night and day as the clock ticked down on my time in the PhD program. Instead, all I had to look forward to were celebrations!

Amid those celebrations, which were peaks, also came valleys. For everything that was positive that happened during the rest of the winter and into the spring, something negative would accompany it close behind, and sometimes it would be in reverse. For instance, after finding out my kidney was okay, I discovered I could no longer do social media for the School of Nursing. Another thing that happened was finding out the car we bought six months earlier needed major mechanical issues that I couldn't afford then. That led to us having to make financial changes where we traded in all of our cars and got newer ones to replace them. We did get pretty good deals.

This trend of positives with negatives, or negatives preceding positives, kept happening all throughout the rest of the year and into summer. I earned my first grant but got the next one rejected. I got abstracts accepted for presentations, only to find out I couldn't attend. I had articles rejected for publication, only to have others accepted. We got a new puppy, Mando (short for Mandalorian, our new Chocolate Lab), only to have our daughter Abby playing with him one day as she ran and broke her toe during the interaction. The list goes on and on.

None of these things were life-altering, but they created stress. All these interactions reminded me of a time as a child that epitomized stressful ups and downs. One day in particular, a man came to my parent's shop to try and sell pot holders.

I was probably nine years old when this occurred. I was at my parent's shop, Innervisions, playing there that afternoon after being dropped off by Niney on her way to play Bingo. This was pretty much a tradition for many years as Niney went out with her friends to enjoy the evening sometimes. Nothing significant happened that day except me milling around the business, playing with toys, or doing homework like I typically did. Until this man walked into the shop.

When I saw him, I immediately knew he was different. He had some form of developmental issue, kind of like Down Syndrome. But what I could tell of him, he seemed nice. I could just tell by his eyes and the shape of his face something was different. I remember he saw me on the stairs, and I said hello to him. He said hello back and then proceeded into other parts of the shop. So, I followed him. I watched how he interacted with everyone as he approached them. Immediately, I realized he was trying to sell pot holders. He held them up for someone working in the shop to look at, sometimes even showing them to customers. The first people he asked were nice but politely declined. He moved on to the next people and had the same result. I followed him into another part of the shop, and he asked some more workers, to which they all replied very nicely they did not want to purchase any pot holders.

I remember going to the stairs in the front and watching him go across the foyer into another room to ask, and I thought, Can't someone buy a pot holder from him? He was so nice, and I felt bad for him because no one would buy one. Not one customer or worker at the shop would buy one. I also believed he might need the money because of how he looked. Maybe even for doctor's bills. I saw him leave the room he went in, once again rejected. I was deflated.

He started going up the stairs towards where my parents were working. I thought, My parents will buy one from him, I just know it. He proceeded into their room, and then I heard my parents decline to purchase a pot holder. When I saw him departing the building, I could barely hold in my agony for him. As he opened the door to exit and it closed behind him, I went to pieces.

I went downstairs to the back kitchen area and sat at the table, completely depressed and crying. Eventually, my mom and some other workers at the shop walked in and saw me sitting there crying. My mom immediately asked what was wrong. All I could say was, "I just wanted someone to buy a pot holder from that man." Instantly, everyone in earshot let out a collective AWWWWWW.

I didn't know who that man was or what his life was about, I just cared for him, and the positives in that moment were that everyone was very nice to him, but the negatives were that no one would help him. All I wanted was for someone to help him, just one.

All I wanted in the springtime was for just one thing to be positive, only positive, and cling to it. I thought if I could have that only positive thing, it might reduce my stress and help me stay focused on what I needed to do with my diet. After all, I needed to do well with my eating habits leading up to May 23rd, especially since the end of February. One positive occurring that was only positive was running the Swamp Rabbit 5K for the first time. I loved this course. Running on the trail and then through downtown Greenville was so fun. My time wasn't as good as the Electric City Gobbler back in November, but I was very satisfied, considering what I had been through with the kidney stone. 

The next thing that was positive was working on my very first grant. I was awarded the grant in March 2023 and spent the months that followed working with my research team to set up the experience for the study. It filled me with great joy to have that experience and everything that has come since with the study.

The last thing before the next A1c check that happened that was positive was my graduation. Finally, celebrating this monumental achievement in my life at commencement was the greatest positive thing that could have happened. It certainly made up for all the pot holders that weren't purchased. I remember my parents and their coworkers all saying they would definitely buy a pot holder from that man if he ever returned. Fortunately, he did come back; sure enough, people were buying pot holders left and right that day. That was a big positive for me as a kid too. 

All I've ever wanted to do is help people, and help them feel better, even as a child. These three moments epitomized the positivity I needed leading up to the next A1c check, helping me stay focused on what I needed to do to help myself, while being able to help others. But at graduation, something divine happened that really made it clear how positive and important this moment truly was for me, my family, and even my classmate. 

Tune in next time for 10: Divine Commencement.