10: The Baptism

 

For many years now, our family has been baptized. But for Leslie and I, we wanted to let our children make their own decisions about their faith in Christ. Like our children, Leslie was baptized as a baby in the Methodist Church. In the Methodist Church, you don't do baptism by immersion in water but through being sprinkled instead. It's a simpler process of being baptized in Christ than dunking in a tank. This method of baptism, being sprinkled, was what I had done when I was 12 years old and first accepted Christ as my savior.

At that time, I truly believed I was saved and saw a change in my life, mindset, and faith, even as a teenager. That next year, I went through confirmation classes to learn more about why Christ died for us, the resurrection, and how you live through Christ. Leslie attended confirmation classes around the same age to confirm her faith in Christ.

But neither of our children had ever considered salvation on their own. We knew they understood who Christ was, but had they truly ever been saved or accepted Christ as their savior? Having them baptized as infants was a wonderful experience for Leslie and me, but neither of our children remembered what happened. I always knew the discussion of salvation would come up again as the kids got older.

Finally, in 2023, that discussion began. We had switched churches and essentially began anew at  NewSpring. It had been an interesting road getting to this point. For many years, we were against NewSpring, largely because of jealousy. NewSpring had grown by leaps and bounds and was bringing new people to Christ every day, it seemed. Despite any turmoil that had ever occurred there, a presence drew people to that church. God was that presence.

In recent years, Leslie and I had been considering leaving Trinity, especially after my time playing Jesus ended with the Journey to the Resurrection in 2019. We both felt it was time to try something new. But complacency set in, and we attended church sporadically for the next year. Then COVID hit. Because of that, I didn't feel safe going anywhere for two years. We had heard horror stories of entire congregations being COVID from going to church during the pandemic. So, we spent much time watching church online, but it was still mostly Trinity. Finally, in March 2022, two years after the pandemic began, we returned to Trinity in person. The first sermon played one of my favorite songs, Shout to the Lord. I had tears in my eyes because not only was it two years later that we returned in person to church but also a year anniversary since my A1c issues had begun. I was also nearing completion of my dissertation, so a lot culminated in 2022.

However, once the dissertation was done and COVID didn't seem like a large issue, I started feeling this tug at my heart that it was time to move on. The pandemic has provided an opportunity to look elsewhere for a new church family, as the messages no longer resonated with me. My faith hadn't wavered. We felt we needed to go someplace new, especially for our kids. Trinity had good programs, but changes were happening there, and my kids were just beginning to ask questions. We also learned that Fuse at NewSpring has opportunities for children with special needs. With Abby having special needs, Leslie and I felt we should give NewSpring a chance.

We went to NewSpring initially out of convenience since it's only 5 minutes from our house, as opposed to nearly 20 minutes for Trinity. Plus, Leslie told me she always wanted to try it out. So, we went.

I still remember that first time in November 2022. Just walking in made me feel like I was attending a conference. Then, entering the main service auditorium was like entering a large movie theater. We sat near the middle to the back, and I took some pictures. I couldn't help but think I was doing something wrong being there initially. Even posting about it seemed risky. But that was just my baggage. Being at NewSpring was something worthwhile to try. We saw a bunch of people we knew there the first day. Many from our old church. Then the music started playing. You can feel the bass run all through you when the songs play. It really is like being at a concert. Then, the sermon began. I listened intently to what was being said and decided to do something I hadn't done at Trinity. I took notes.

I remember watching that first sermon. The pastor was Dan Lian, who had a lunchbox out for part of it, doing the talking lunch box thing. I remember hearing Abby laugh out loud during it. That warmed my heart because she was paying attention. Then, on my notes, this is what I recorded:

11-20-2022

Supernatural Overflow

Invited

Surrender

Talk out of by stuff

Obey your way

Now, what does all that mean? Honestly, I can't remember, as looking back, I thought I had taken more detailed notes than this. Admittedly, my notes since have become more robust and informative. But supernatural overflow means overflowing in the abundance of things God provides you. You surrender yourself to God's ways, and He provides. I understood the messages that day, and it was a first step toward where it would lead me and my family.

In the months that followed, we hardly ever missed a sermon. In fact, in the year and a half, we have been attending NewSpring, there have only been a few times we didn't attend or watch online, and that was to be at the family members' baptisms at their respective churches. There were several weekends when I had tears in my eyes during the services at NewSpring. My mom told me that was the holy spirit working within me.

As I've mentioned before, I had a lot of bitterness and angst in me during 2023. The culmination of that issue came about in the form of COVID and Afib. But I saw the light, and it was time to make a change for the better in my and my family's life. 

So, after a year of attending NewSpring, we started attending Connect classes to learn more about the church and how to become more involved. After those wonderful classes, my children started attending Fuse on Wednesday nights. I still remember them fussing about going. Now, they fuss if they don't go. One night in December, Leslie and I learned that Abby had raised her hand at Fuse to give her life to Christ. A few weeks later, Charlie did the same thing. Now was the time to reaffirm our faith in Christ, and I could think of no better way than to do it together at NewSpring.

Being up there that day and getting baptized as a family was the greatest gift I could ever receive. We had our family there and had been establishing a connection with those in the congregation through Fuse and service to NewSpring. We were home, where we needed to be, and had the blessing of showing our love for Christ as one.

But as with all great moments that bring you closer to God, Satan does his best to start trying to tear it apart. But there's a big difference between trying and succeeding. Read the next segment, 10: The Ploy.

10: One Another, Part 5

My favorite group to be with throughout the years. Leslie, Abby, and Charlie. This final segment of the One Another blog goes out to my family. My Puka, Boomer, and Buck.

I remember when we went to Philadelphia. We had so much fun staying in the hotel downtown. While I attended the conference, Leslie and the kids explored the area. Of course, staying close to the hotel until I could join them. We visited the Liberty Bell and walked the streets of Philadelphia as I sang the Bruce Springsteen song until my whole family wanted me to be quiet, as did some passersby. My favorite part of the trip was going to the stadium complex on the city's outskirts, where all the sports franchises resided. We got to go to Citizen's Bank Park and watch the Phillies play the Atlanta Braves. Of all the teams that could be in town that weekend, the irony was that it was my beloved Bravos. Then we got lost on the metro, meaning we took the wrong one. We just about reached New York because of it, but we found our way back home.

That's the beauty of being lost with the ones you love. At least you're together. Eventually, something will lead you back home. 

I was lost in my overindulgence with gluttony. Drinking all the sweet tea. Eating whatever I wanted. Many of those issues stemmed from being stressed about things beyond my control. One thing I did have, though, were cheerleaders in my back pocket. Leslie and the kids did all they could to help me, but I wouldn't always let them. I let everything bother me instead of relying on my family and God to help me. For instance, look at these two pictures from Halloween. The first one is from Halloween 2019. Leslie looks like her usual beautiful self and as far removed from a witch as anyone can be. The kids look lovely, too. As for me, I'm filling out the Ghostbusters outfit pretty well. A little too well. I was the heaviest I've ever been at that point, heading into 2020. Pictures like this should have been a wake-up call for me, but they weren't. I was too preoccupied with the stressors going on around me that I would just eat and eat as if I were still 17 and didn't gain a pound.

But look at the next picture. This pic is from Halloween 2021. The Ghostbusters outfit is the same one from 2019, and look at the difference in my weight. By Halloween that year, I had lost 30 lbs from where I started at the doctor's office in April, and more than that since 2020. However, much of the initial weight loss was from diabetes taking its toll on my body. By October 2021, though, I was in better shape, feeling good, and had diabetes under control. The belt was the sign. In 2019, which you can't see, the belt was stretched as far as it could go to fit around my abdomen. In 2021, look at all the excess left hanging. Leslie still looks the same because she continues to do things to help herself through diet and exercise. The kids had grown some and continue to do so, but they, too, tried to help me see better ways of doing things.

When I told my family the news of my sugar issues, I remember what Abby did. She saw how the news had bothered me. I told them I had to give up Sweet Tea, which was hard then. When Abby heard that, she quit drinking Sweet Tea too. I told Abby she didn't have to do that. I told her she was still young and could enjoy things if she wanted to. But she didn't like knowing her Daddy couldn't have it anymore, so she didn't want it either. That made me cry that my baby girl, my Boomer, loved me so much that she was willing to give up something she liked to help me.

Charlie was much more concerned about my heart issues that happened in 2023. He usually sits beside me on the couch at night, playing away on his iPad. But he would ask me many questions about my heart and what I experienced. Charlie is curious about many things. But what I love talking to him about more is space and God. Charlie has a simple way of looking at things sometimes. He likes to deal with facts. That will make him a good researcher one day if he chooses that route. In some ways, he helped me see the facts of my heart situation. I would think about things he said and others during the fall of 2023. I began to realize that this situation could have been much worse and the anxiety I was feeling was simply a by-product of what happened. In time, Charlie's calming demeanor was something I latched on to, and I tried to start doing myself some. I'm more high-strung than he is and more like his sister. The sibling rivalry is strong in these two. But seeing how he responded to things helped me see things better.

But that brings me to my beautiful bride. My Puka. She's truly been with me through thick and thin. Especially a whole box of Thin Mints. Aren't Girl Scout Cookies the absolute best? But I've learned not to splurge so much on them like Leslie eats parts of her meals. However, one thing Leslie has taught me a lot about is exercise. She's shown me the importance of working out and how it benefits you. She's been a stalwart when it comes to fitness. One of the greatest things about 2023 for me was when Leslie began working at the YMCA, where she could help others begin their fitness journeys. She's a great hair stylist, but I know how much she loves working out. She's helped me see the importance of it, and I know she helps others, too.

The biggest thing Leslie, Abby, and Charlie have shown me throughout this journey is love. Their love has been something I've clung tightly to, allowing me to overcome all obstacles. That love was given to them by Jesus and is shared by them in the same way He would. They are a blessing to my life, and I thank God daily for having them by my side.

And that's a wrap for the One Another segment of the blog. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have in writing it. Tune in next time for the next segment, 10: The Journey of Fun.

 

10: One Another, Part 4

I've mentioned how my father-in-law, Jim Bowen, has helped me through this journey of high blood sugar. But my father-in-law and mother-in-law, Brenda, have helped me in various ways since March 31, 2021.

Over the years, long before my sugar issues, both Gran and Grandad, as the kids call them, have worked together diligently to carve out better habits in their own lives. Eating better and working out appropriately. Gran always had the best veggie lasagna! She, of course, makes regular lasagna, too, but the veggie was quite tasty and better for you. But one thing she always made that I loved for breakfast was her mini biscuits!! Those were amazing. Granted, you shouldn't eat 20 of them in one sitting, but they were small and, therefore, better for you if you ate them in moderation. That's true of any food, honestly.

However, Brenda has always given sound advice throughout my time with her concerning health. She researches things and determines what works best for herself and those she loves. She also quickly confirms things she has seen online since she has at least 4 healthcare professionals in the family. Not a bad thing to have for anyone. But she's also vigilant because of her previous husband, John. John passed away at a very young age, approximately my age now. That's eye-opening for anyone because it shows how fleeting life can be when you least expect it. 

My father-in-law has a similar life experience with the loss of his spouse, Sharon, Leslie's mother. She was even younger than John when she passed away from the effects of ALS. In both cases, they share a bond of losing a spouse in their younger years but gaining love later. For that reason, they know true tragedy and how to carry on.

Having high blood sugars and then Afib were not tragedies. Had I died from something, that would have been a tragedy. What both of them showed me was how I could overcome those issues and carry on. They understood how scary it can be to have a condition, but they were always quick to remind me that things can get better. 

My father-in-law has had his share of health concerns, but he's never let that dictate his life. He was an avid kayaker when I first married Leslie. So much so that he took Leslie and me on our first river rafting excursion in 2003. Then, later, we had kayaking lessons that allowed him to share his favorite activity with us.

I had always wanted to go river rafting since seeing the film River Wild, one of my favorites of all time. So, when we had the chance to go down the Ocoee River in Tennessee, I was nervous but stoked. It was something new I had never tried. But I picked up on it pretty well. Well, enough that the next year, we tried the kayaking. The biggest thing I wanted to learn to do with kayaking was rolling. I tried it in the pool a few times but wanted to do it on the open river. But to Mr. Bowen, that wasn't the most important thing. What was important was learning the basics of kayaking and enjoying it.

There was one particular point in our kayaking excursion that Leslie and I, in separate kayaks of course, had to go down a stretch that was long ahead of my father-in-law. That seemed uneasy to us, but Mr. Bowen knew we could do it. And we did do it, in various ways. I went down first and got turned around backwards because of partially getting caught in an eddy. An eddy is a section of the river that is not moving compared to the flow of the river, and thus you have to maneuver around it to be sure you don't roll over and possibly have to bail out of the kayak. So, I went down the stretch blind, but came out ok in the end. Leslie followed after me and got caught in the same eddy, but in her case it unnerved and caused her to flip some because she got too close a strainer. A strainer is a section of the river with a bunch of tree branches or roots sinking down and it catches you like a strainer in a sink. Leslie held on to the limbs with all her might as he dad came down behind her and allowed her to grab hold of his kayak. We then retrieved her kayak and paddle and started back down the river again.

But the moral of that story was, life will throw you lots of curveballs. Sometimes they will twist you all around, but you still have to balance yourself and move through in whatever way you can. Sometimes those curveballs will knock you off your path, and you might have to hold on for dear life, but ultimately there is someone that can assist you. In this case, Christ. We always have the help we need, when we need it. As I went down the river backward I wasn't scared, because I knew I had protection, not only from those with me, but from Jesus too. For Leslie, she was ok after that incident, but also had protection waiting on those that loved her to help and through Jesus as well.

We always have God on our side to support us and help us through challenging things. Jesus also presents us with people who can help us here. Gran and Grandad, Jim and Brenda, my in-laws, have been there for me as much as anyone else I have named thus far.

But there is still one last group of people I haven't mentioned that have helped on this journey day in and day out. You'll read about them in the next segment of 10: One Another, Part 5.

10: One Another, Part 3

 

My mom posted this picture a few weeks ago, showing me, my dad, and her together at the beach for my first trip. That's a blessing I've had for my entire life to this point and hopefully one for many more years to come.

My parents, Rick and Debbie Thrift have shown me what family really means. It's truly all about love.

When I was diagnosed with diabetes, I texted my mom first. I was like the scared little kid trying to come to grips with something profound to me. All I wanted was my mother. A text might not have been the best way to share it, but I wasn't sure I could say it at that moment. My mom later told me her reaction to the text. She was in the grocery store shopping when she opened the message. She said she almost had to sit down from thinking about what the text meant. 

My mom has always shared stories with me throughout my life to help me along the way. One she shared had to do with me and diabetes when I was only a few months old. My grandmother, Niney, was at an educational session with my mom about diabetes, and one of the presenters suggested that diabetes was an inherited condition. They also shared that sometimes diabetes has a tendency to skip passed some generations and on to the next, meaning it might be likely when someone contracts diabetes, it could be their grandchildren who acquire the condition later. My mom recalls looking at Niney with a concerned thought; Jason could have this later on?

Niney put her hand on my mom's and said to her, "Not our baby."

Unfortunately, Niney didn't consider some of the habits I would develop in the following years. However, my parents tried to help me understand the importance of caring for yourself. But I did for this as well.

When I was a child, my parents both smoked. My mom smoked more than my dad did, but regardless, I grew up in an environment of seeing people smoke all the time. This action was common, particularly in the 1980s, before the anti-smoking campaigns began. One day, though, I was in grade school and had a nurse visit my class to tell us about concerns about smoking. I remember them talking about how it caused cancer and the adverse effects that could be brought on for everyone in a family. But the lungs they showed us stood out to me the most. The nurse had two sets of lungs, one healthy and one marred by the effects of smoking. I remember that lung like it was sitting right here in front of me now. The lung was black, dead looking, terrible. When I got home that day and saw my mom, I just had to tell her what I had seen. As a child, I was convinced my mom and dad had no idea what cigarette smoking could do to your body, particularly to your lungs. I outlined everything the nurse had shown us and explained it to my mom as best I could. After I was done explaining, my mom said to me, "I know what cigarettes do, son." With that comment from my mom, I responded, "Then why do you do it then?"

My mom told me I looked at her with disappointment, knowing she, in fact, knew how bad cigarettes were but did nothing to stop using them. From that day on, my mom and dad both decided they would quit smoking. On Martin Luther King's Birthday in 1989, my mom smoked her final cigarette, with my dad having stopped before that. Now, 35 years later, neither has smoked again.

That's family, loving one another enough to help each other. 

My parents have always helped me throughout their lives, but it's never just been about me. They help everyone. They've helped people celebrate birthdays. They've helped brides look beautiful for their weddings. They've helped people feel the best they have ever felt with a simple haircut. They've listened and offered great advice to countless people throughout their 40-year career in cosmetology. The joy they bring to others is genuine, passionate, and filled with love. An agape type of love, as they have sacrificed for others more times than I can count. 

I'm very proud to have parents like this, but more importantly, I'm blessed. I've been blessed not only to have them as guides but also to have them my whole life together, forever. They have set an example that we should do as they have done for us. A true love in Christ.

I have shared that love with my spouse, Leslie, and my children, Abby and Charlie, because I know how wonderful it has been for me. It's not to say we haven't had our ups and downs between my parents and me; that's just part of life. But we have always been centered on what matters most--love. It is a Christ thing, the love we share that binds us together in all things we do.

So, I'm glad I could help my mom and dad with their smoking. Likewise, they have helped me with my diabetes concerns. For that, I am always grateful. So grateful to them for any and everything they have ever taught me about life.

But the story doesn't stop there with them. There are still more influential factors in my life that have helped me to work through the sugar concerns I have today. 

Stay tuned for the next segment of 10: One Another, Part 4.

10: Resolutions

"Look, I'm not stupid, you know. They cannot make things like that yet."

"Not yet, not for about 40 years."

A favorite part of mine from the 1984 film The Terminator. In the scene, Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor discuss the plausibility of a cyborg, part man and part machine, coming after her from the future. That future they were both referring to is the year 2024. This year, today. Although we still have a while before we see if the future of the film could be plausible in 2029, right now, it's clear that some things were just make-believe.

It's always fun to think about what will come in the future. Because the future is unknown, we sometimes worry too much, which is probably why Jesus said not to focus on it. Most of the time, people think of all the negative possibilities that could arise, like artificial intelligence (AI) either destroying or enslaving humanity. But right now, the most sophisticated AI available can only write a paper for you and possibly trick a professor into believing it was a real person who wrote it. Hardly a humanity destroyer or an overlord.

So, instead, it is best to look at the here and now more than what the future holds. Many of the films I grew up loving have seen their years come and go now, like Blade Runner, Back to the Future II, The Island, The Terminator Franchise, and even some journeys back in time by Star Trek have been proven untrue. Our future is truly whatever we make of it, so let's make it a good one, to quote Doc Brown.

Going into 2024, I had this renewed sense of presence, and feeling of positivity, more than I ever had before. I couldn't say that for many years prior to this, especially since 2020. The year 2020 alone was completely forgettable, other than the good things you tried to focus on amidst the growing turmoil of the world. The year 2021 started with a full-on revolt in America and then my own personal health issues. The year 2022 started a sense of dread for me as well, as I was finishing my dissertation and felt all of that pressure, but I also felt a lot of negativity surrounding the year, despite any good. The year 2023 wasn't much better. Stress, anger, and uncertainty were abounding that year. Although I had no more dreams of consequence after March 2021, I felt a certain sense of uneasiness throughout 2023 that culminated in the Afib of July.

After the Afib, though, things began to change. Although stress and uncertainty were still there, I did have two moments that made me focus on something else: my blessings. First, there was the it's time comment in a sleep/wake moment, and then the dream to count my blessings. That is followed by the encounter with an angel. All of these things happened after the Afib and were progressing me in a new direction for my life. Maybe not new, but a more sustainable and important one.

Unlike with my sugar issues, where the dreams and encounters seemed like warnings of impending doom, these encounters since August 2023 have been one of hope and what is to come.

It was time for me to start believing in what is good, pure, and wholesome for my life and to not dwell on things that take away from that life. Because of that, I've done a number of things to help put myself in a better place as the calendar rolled over from December 31, 2023, to January 1, 2024.

There's more joy in my life at the start of 2024 than there has been in recent years. I'm not worrying like I once did, even a few months ago, because what good does it do anyway? I'm enjoying my time with my family more and more each day that passes. I look forward to being at work and doing my best job while supporting those around me like I never have before. I'm truly trying to be all that I can be now. I feel peaceful and content. That's not to say there still aren't moments of frustration, but I handle them better, forgive more quickly, and reason things out more rationally than before. I'm more open-minded now than I have been but with a narrow focus on what is truly important.

I say all of this because as we started 2024, I decided to make some resolutions. We all do that to some degree, typically things like losing weight or exercising more. But these resolutions I wanted to share could be life-changing in ways I might not possibly imagine until they occur. So, here is my New Year's Resolution list for 2024:

1. Be happy, assured, present, and joy-filled this year and beyond. I love the song Joy by for King and Country. I've been playing it a lot since August 2023. It fills my heart with happiness and has quite a catchy beat. Listen to it sometime when you have the chance, if you never have. 

2. Embrace the unknown possibilities. Whether it be a new way of looking at something, a new career opportunity, or a trip of a lifetime, whatever the case may be, I don't need to dwell on the how but the when. They will happen when you least expect it and be ready to embrace those opportunities when they arise.

3. Specifically for me, I want work to be good in 2024. Whether it's working with my teammates on a grant project I'm on, the members of the Virtual Reality and Nature Lab, my coworkers at the School of Nursing, or simply people at church, the organizations I serve, I want it all to go well this year. Re-ignite that passion for the profession I serve and grow stalwart nurses who can carry things forward. But most importantly, help people in sickness and in health.

4. For my family to be happy, healthy, and whole, and the chance to show God how much we love and honor Him. Back in December, my daughter professed her faith in Jesus Christ one night, and as the new year began, my son did the same. For the first time in their lives, they acknowledged what Christ had done for them on their own, on separate days even, so as to not give glory to me or anyone else for why they chose to do it. That's salvation! Now, as a family, we'll be being baptized at NewSpring on March 17, a rededication for my wife and me and my children's profession of faith for them all their own. It will be a great day and something I am truly blessed to share in.

5. For me, don't let negativity creep back in. Whether it's a political campaign or the tug of something from the past trying to wield its saber at me, there's no place for the negativity anymore. Unfortunately, negatives are all around, but it is up to how you choose to dwell on it. I've dwelled too much on the negative and need to accentuate the positives in my life. I'm sure this aspect will be an ongoing battle within me for many years to come. But making that change starts now, in 2024, and I'll work to maintain it for all time. I don't need to let things destroy relationships, ruin friendships, or cause great loss. I need to mend those relationships, enduring friendships, and create great gains. 

I think those are good, don't you? One thing I'm grateful for already, the prognosticators of the make-believe world of The Terminator were wrong. The only thing a computer has ever done to me is crash or pick up a virus. That was annoying, but at least it wasn't Skynet ending me. Those were fun movies to watch and rewatch, but it's more fun to watch the path my children, family, friends, and colleagues all take instead.

That's what I look forward to more in 2024 than anything. Less division, more unity. I can't wait to see what unfolds.

In the meantime, I hope your resolutions happen how they are meant to and that 2024 is the best year yet for everyone. After all, we've been through, we have earned a better year than some in recent history. Let's make it a good one.

Tune in next time for 10: Joy.

10: Jacksonville

As the holiday season progressed, my anxiety stayed up some, but it was manageable. Despite my heart being in good shape and no signs of Covid, I was still quite nervous about going to Jacksonville.

My A1c was also doing well, but I was still trying to maintain good eating and exercise habits through the holidays. I had the occasional sweets because it was Christmas, after all. You have to indulge in some of the good things in life during the holidays, like Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes! Those are the absolute best!! I also had some ice cream and chocolate chip cookies, but I did my best to limit the amount of such things and not overindulge.

Despite all of the happiness, I was still worried about Jacksonville. I didn't want to go, which was the fear consuming me. The trip to Jacksonville was our big Christmas gift for the family and a huge one for Abby, as she is a big-time Jaguars fan. But something else happened that was unexpected and now made the trip that much more interesting.

The college football bowl season was about to commence, and Clemson was being selected to play in a bowl game again. During the season, my family and I were set to attend the North Carolina vs. Clemson game in November, but ticket issues arose. Although I ordered the tickets plenty of time for the game, I had yet to receive them and had to cancel. We were refunded our money, but disappointed. But right as they started to make the selections for the bowl games after the conference championships had ended, I looked at one particular game. The Gator Bowl was slated to be played in Jacksonville on December 29, the same weekend we planned to attend the Jaguars game on December 31.

Would it be cool if Clemson played in the Gator Bowl? What would be the odds that both the college and professional teams my daughter loves would be playing in the same stadium, in the same city, on the same weekend? I knew it could happen, but there were other factors to consider. One, Clemson had a rough season by prior season standards. They were 8-4 and struggled quite a bit earlier in the season. They also finished behind Florida State, NC State, and Louisville, which meant some other teams could land the spot. I didn't know if it would work out, but I hoped it might.

Then, I received the notification of Clemson vs. Kentucky in the Taxslayer Gator Bowl on Friday, December 29, 2023. I couldn't believe it but knew it was meant to be. Despite my fears, I bought tickets right away and knew then we were supposed to go to Jacksonville. When I told Leslie, her jaw hit the floor! We were so excited. As a family, we got to go to our first college bowl game and first NFL game.

Christmas day came, and we enjoyed sharing the kids' presents, but none were more well-received than the Jacksonville trip. In fact, we all got various styles of Jaguars jerseys for Christmas to wear to the game. This weekend was our big football weekend! We couldn't wait to go.

Ironically enough, Leslie was all for reducing similarities to the trip in July where Afib occurred. We were still leaving on the same day the Afib happened but at a different time of the month. We were also taking Leslie's Highlander this time and leaving the Ram at home. We thought a smaller car would be easier to maneuver around Jacksonville anyway. Lastly, Leslie was willing to drive down all the way if needed. We were also not going through Columbia, SC.

How can you get to Jacksonville and not go through Columbia, South Carolina? Well, you can choose the route through Augusta instead. That route was only 20 minutes longer than the Columbia route, showing it wasn't a big issue. Plus, we would see a more scenic route than driving so much on the interstates. That worked for me, and I sat back, taking in my surroundings.

I can't recall riding in the car's back seat in recent years while driving on a vacation. In fact, the last time I had done that was probably in high school. I've been driving my parents and family most places for decades now, so this was odd not being behind the wheel. My biggest concern was whether stress would open up issues if I drove down? When I was driving to Hilton Head in July, I was going about my usual driving routine. We went through Columbia, of course, and everything seemed fine. Then, I had that unusual feeling that initially seemed like premature ventricular contractions (PVCs), but they were incredibly packed together. I realized that it wasn't PVCs but my heart racing. I still have flashbacks of that moment sometimes, especially if I feel anything weird in my chest, like muscle spasms or even PVCs. It was terrifying to have your heart beat that rapidly for no reason.

But as we drove to Jacksonville, my pulse was fine. I was checking it every 5 minutes, but it was never rapid. An excellent, steady rate and rhythm. Normal Sinus Rhythm (NSR) which is what we all want. I took a brief nap, but Leslie needed my help navigating, too. Eventually, we made it to Jacksonville, which was a beautiful sight.

Once we were down there and I knew everything was fine, I drove us everywhere. I drove us to and from the stadium. I walked up the ramps effortlessly. I enjoyed every minute of it, especially the Clemson game. The Clemson vs. Kentucky game was insane, especially in the 4th quarter. It came down to whoever had the ball last would most likely win. Fortunately, when Kentucky had the ball one last time, Clemson intercepted to end the game. However, it was freezing that day. We were all freezing as we sat there watching Clemson attempt victory.

Because of the cold conditions of the game that Friday, we stayed in our room mainly on Saturday. I was worried about Leslie getting sick because she coughed her poor head off the whole day. We ordered food, stayed in the warm, climate-controlled comfort of our room, and watched bowl games and movies all day. This includes the Georgia 63-3 drubbing of Florida State, which relinquished Clemson from owning the worst bowl game loss in college football history in 2011.

By Sunday, Leslie felt some better and wanted to go to the Jaguars' game. After spending the time and money to come down to it, she didn't want to leave without going for some of it. I was still concerned, not about me now, but about her. I didn't want her or the kids to get sick from sitting in the cold, and I knew I would be driving back from Jacksonville to home. But everyone wanted to go, and I put it in God's hands to help me through the day. The Jaguar's game was fantastic, and as it turned out, it was the final game the team won for the 2023 season. At halftime, we left with the score 9-0, but Jacksonville went on to win 26-0 over the Carolina Panthers. That meant for the weekend, we saw both of the teams we pulled for during the games. That was a charming weekend and meant so much to my family, especially Abby.

The drive back was fun, too. As I drove around the same way we came, I could feel my anxiety reducing rapidly. I felt calm, at peace, and happy again. Going home on New Year's Eve, especially at night, does seem like an arduous task, but we left the game early so we wouldn't be pushing midnight to get home. As we drove home, we drove more on back roads than highways, and we saw so many houses with their Christmas lights lit up. I had not taken down our Christmas lights before we left, planning to do so after we returned. Seeing these lights on inspired me to turn our lights on as soon as we arrived. 

Once we were home, without any incident, I breathed a sigh of relief. I had overcome my fears of traveling. I felt more like me again. For this reason, 2024 would be a much better year than I could imagine. I just needed something to bring it all together. It was a fun final weekend of 2023, but I couldn't wait to see what will be in 2024.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: Resolutions.

10: Holiday Season

It's the Holiday Season!

It truly was the most wonderful time of the year after the great results of November. The heart and sugars had checked out fine, and now it was on to the happiest time you can have.

But also the most stressful.

Christmas time is always stressful, regardless of how things are going for you physically, mentally, or spiritually. The stress of the season (gift giving and buying, parties, meals, serving, church gatherings, etc.) is high. I was coming to grips with that from two fronts.

One had to do with the fact I was stressing about the holiday season, which made my anxiety a bit higher. But the other piece had to do with a special Christmas gift I was giving my family. My daughter is a huge fan of Trevor Lawrence. She has been since his days with Clemson. Of course, this also makes her a big fan of the Jacksonville Jaguars. In May of 2023, I decided to purchase tickets to take the whole family to Jacksonville to see the Carolina Panthers (another favorite team of Abby's) take on Trevor and the Jaguars. Abby is a HUGE football fan. She likes watching every possible game she can see. A true aficionado. So, I knew a gift like this for her and the rest of the family would be thrilling. My son Charlie had even asked during the summer if we could go to Florida this year after two years of going to Pigeon Forge at Christmas. I remember thinking, why yes, we can, even as I told him we'll have to see.

All of this was great, but there was one problem. All of the plans were made before the Afib episode in July. Since July 2023, I hadn't been anywhere beyond Clemson, Greenville, and Anderson for 5 months! This issue of the trip created even more stress for me, and my anxiety was climbing.

I didn't want to cancel the trip, but wasn't overly enthusiastic about going either. Going on this trip was a true issue for me. The last time I went on vacation somewhere, the Afib struck as I was driving. So, naturally, the thought of driving 6 hours plus to Jacksonville wasn't something I was looking forward to doing. It's amazing how things can change in a short time, 5 months, that's all. Back in May 2023, I was more than willing to drive somewhere like that over and over again if needed. Since, though, I was sometimes nervous to drive to work, much less 6 hours away.

Even with the Lexapro, I could feel my tension rising. I was starting to have anxiety waves again and hadn't had those for a few weeks. It was unnerving to seem to be regressing. During a meeting in the middle of December, I felt a panic wave come on and got scared I was going to have a full-blown panic attack again. However, that didn't happen. In fact, the meeting and day were wonderful. I would pray to God when these feelings would happen, hoping they would subside. Even my mom and wife would pray to help me, too, as I would text them when things of this nature occurred. 

But I began to think to myself, the reason you had Afib in July was primarily due to Covid. Before that day, I had never had Afib, and all indications were that I was heart-healthy. This issue with Afib was just a season. I hadn't had Afib since July, either, so my heart was doing fine. I was most likely worrying needlessly because I was nervous about driving a long distance away. What I needed was some reassurance. 

I didn't know that reassurance would come in the most unlikely forms.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: Touched by an Angel.

10: Thankful

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."-1 Thessalonians 5:18

Credit: Country Living

Have you ever heard the Boys II Men song, Thank You? I've loved that song from the first time I heard it. "Cause even though when times got rough, you never turned away. You were right there. And I thank you, I thank you-oooouu."

I'm sure you are singing that verse now. It's a great song and symbolizes the band's gratitude for support from those dear to them. I had heard somewhere it was also a message about thanking God for His help with each of them throughout their lives. 

Being told that you don't have to do something anymore was something quite profound. I really thought it might be months before I could consider stopping the Eliquis simply because I was still fearful of the Afib. In fact, a few days after the visit, I reported a moment on my monitor where I felt like my heart raced for a moment. However upon checking it with the clinic, the heart rate barely got above 100 and was sinus rhythm, thus nothing they would be concerned about. The heart rate went back to normal, and there was no issue. It was a flutter like it sometimes happens. Anxiety was still the big issue.

In the following weeks, heading towards Thanksgiving, everything seemed to settle in more. Things at work were going great. At home was becoming even better. Although moments of friction still happened, especially during the holiday season, it was a great time with my family. We started attending Connect Classes at NewSpring to move towards becoming "members" there. Life was going great, and I was feeling much better. The only thing looming on the horizon was my next A1c check.

In May 2023, my A1c was 5.6. This time of year in November was my dreaded time of year for the A1c to elevate. There was never any rhyme or reason as to why it would go up. I just knew it had. This elevation was a source of frustration the past two years and I was hoping this time it would not go up. Compounding the issue, my next A1c check was AFTER Thanksgiving.

An A1c is a 3-month average of your blood sugar throughout the body, so a long weekend of eating probably wouldn't affect it that much, but this is Thanksgiving we're talking about. I was planning to make Maw Maw's macaroni and cheese. Mom was preparing chicken, dressing, green beans, corn, and mashed potatoes. Leslie was making vegall casserole. The Bowen Family Thanksgiving was also going to be that weekend with turkey, ham, more green beans, mac and cheese, dressing, and pies! Oh, the pies and the other desserts, too. It was enough to give you diabetes if you ate every last bit of it.

But as I had before Thanksgiving Week, I was trying to avoid going overboard. If I ate a lot at one meal, I cut down on the next. I still didn't eat much in the way of sweets, just something occasional. Water to drink, and I kept on exercising each day as I had before. I didn't run the Electric City Gobbler this time because I wanted to relax on Thanksgiving Day. Besides, I had run in the race the previous two years, and despite all the preparation for the 5K, my A1c went up both times. Running didn't help my sugar levels. Managing my diet and walking help much more. In fact, my knees were trying to tell me it was time to stop running. They ached all the time. So, although I miss running sometimes, I don't miss it enough for the detriment it was causing to the rest of my body.

So, despite the holiday season, I ate well, worked out well, and kept positive that everything would be fine the day I got checked at the clinic. I claimed that this would be the first time my A1c would go down from May to November. I believed it would be the case with all my heart. I was anxious about it, but not nearly as much as I had been before the stress test and echo. My anxiety was more of joy than apprehension. 

And I was thankful for it. I was thankful for a good life, good health, a great career, a loving family, and cherished memories that would carry me right through the holiday season approaching.

But now, it was time to see the results and if I had successfully managed things, even through the Afib drama. The Wednesday after Thanksgiving was approaching, and it was time to find out.

Stay tuned for the next segment, 10: The Serendipitous Results.

10: Happy Halloween

With the stress test and echo now over, I could breathe easily again.

That weekend was hauntingly fun, with Halloween just around the corner and Fall Break at Clemson. If nothing else, it gave me time to rest some and allow the Lexapro to begin working. However, I did do one thing that sidetracked me for a day.

I got the Covid vaccine.

Some of you reading this have issues with that particular vaccine, but I believe in doing whatever is needed to protect myself and others. With the fact that I got Afib due to contracting Covid in July, it felt pertinent to me to get the vaccine to help myself especially. Frankly, I've yet to meet anyone that had serious issues with the Covid vaccine. However, I've seen plenty of people have major, life-changing, altering, or ending issues from Covid. Besides, as one provider said once if you don't contract something from a vaccine within 6 weeks after administration, nothing will happen, which means major issues. 

But small issues can arise with any vaccine, like location reactions or not feeling well. This reaction happened to me the day after the latest Covid vaccine. I felt achy and just plain crappy. So much so that we decided to stay home from church and watch it on television instead. By that late afternoon, I finally started feeling fine again. This reaction wasn't the first time this happened to me with the Covid vaccine, as a similar issue arose in 2021, and a day or so later, I felt fine. I felt fine again in the same timeframe after this dose of the vaccine. Now, I felt secure in the fact that I would be helped if Covid came to visit again.

Additionally, that same week, Leslie's car battery died, the fan on our central heating and air unit died (no longer under warranty), and our string trimmer we had for at least 7 years, died. Things like that always happen in threes, but we actually didn't realize the issues with the trimmer until several weeks later.

The biggest thing that had changed, though, was my mindset and my anxiety. Now, Lexapro doesn't work right away. It takes about 2 weeks to feel anything and 6 weeks to feel like you're 50% yourself again. It can take months to feel 100% again after initiating Lexapro, so a few days of taking the drug wasn't helping my spirits. I was doing that.

I had started altering my mindset at the beginning of October, which carried over throughout the month. If September was a terrible month since all of this had occurred in July, October was the best. I shifted my mindset from negativity to positivity, trying to think through things more rationally. The biggest thing I also started doing was not worrying much about things. I had stressors, of course, but I wasn't in distress. My stress levels had reached an all-time high by July. Now, I felt calm and at peace.

For that reason, I felt I could enjoy my favorite time of the year--Halloween. For the first time, my kids didn't want to trick or treat and end to 10 years of childish fun. That was bittersweet to hear, but they wanted to hand out candy to others. I loved that idea! Years after stopping trick or treating myself, I started handing out candy at my parent's house all through high school and college until Leslie and I had kids of our own to take trick or treating. So, I was stoked to start going to my parents to hand out Halloween candy to other kids.

It also helped that my parent's neighbors went all out decorating for Halloween this year. That house was crazy but so awesome. They had all manner of ghouls and goblins to attract attention, which would also help bring people to my parent's house. We always have handed out candy at my parent's house because our home is way out in the country by comparison. There are never any trick-or-treaters out there. But my parent's house always brings them in on Halloween.

So, we set up a fire pit, and a table with a candy bowl and sat out in front of my parent's house roast marshmallows for s'mores and hot dogs. It was a beautiful night after rain had been forecast. Instead, we sat there playing the soundtrack to Halloween 3: Season of the Witch (my favorite Halloween movie) while we laughed, played, and enjoyed the camaraderie of the evening, venturing up to the neighbor's house many times that weekend to see the excitement in the eyes of children coming to have some fun. 

That's what it's all about for me. I love the fun of Halloween, not the occult. I love the camaraderie of being together, not the costumes. I love the joy it brings, which is a good thing to inspire others to believe in joy. Ironically enough, Halloween does mean "Holy Evening." All Hallows Eve proceeds All Saints Day, providing a Christian connotation to the evening of Halloween. You can read about some of this here and see good scriptures that could be read on Halloween. Unfortunately, the Bible offers no direct scripture about Halloween itself. At least for me, much like the vaccines, I find the joy in the event of the evening more than something negative about it. To each their own on how we all look at certain things.

But on Halloween evening, my thoughts were preoccupied with one thing: what would happen the next day with my results from the stress test and echo? I was anxious about the results and, ultimately, what my cardiologist would want to do. But that's a tale for the next segment.

Look for that segment next week, 10: The November Results.

10: Count Your Blessings

 

It's been a little bit since I mentioned having dreams. The last time I had a wakeful moment discerning a voice was in August 2023 with the "It's time" statement. By October, though, it was more of a dream.

The vivid dreams stopped in March 2021, but this one was different. It was a vivid voice inside the dream, making me aware of something important.

One night in October, as I lay comfortably in bed, I heard a voice talking to me directly about my situation. There was no question I was still highly anxious about the Afib since July. I was set to meet with my Primary Care Provider about things I could do for stress and would soon have the stress test and echo completed, but that was still over a week away when the dream occurred.

The voice sounded like a man's but said something that I had heard my mother try to tell me multiple times during the previous three months.

"The medications are helping your heart. Count your blessings."

After hearing this statement, I woke up immediately. I had this amazing sense of peace when I woke up like I hadn't felt in previous weeks or months. It was revitalizing. Count your blessings. That's the best phrase that could have happened during this time. But also suggesting my medications were helping was a huge piece, too. I had believed the medications were helping, but I kept worrying, what if they don't anymore? Those negative thoughts can be so pervasive. Nothing indicated that the medications were not working or wouldn't continue to work at that point in time. My heart was being regulated. The meds were also helping my blood pressure, and I didn't have to take Hydralazine anymore. On this day, my anxiety plummeted and carried me on through the remainder of that week.

Count your blessings. That one phrase helped to reshape my mindset even more. Ever since that day, if negative thoughts crept in, I would remind myself to count my blessings. That's one phrase I'll keep doing from now until the end of time. Scripture has something to say about counting your blessings.

"And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all you need, you will abound in every good work"-2 Corinthians 9:8

My mom had tried to help me see this verse and other things for years leading up to that day. I would come home and complain about things quite a bit. I would get so angry about things, many of which were out of my control. I would worry about things that the added stress did no good. In fact, I was convinced my stress leading up to July 13 contributed to the Afib as much as Covid. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't let things go. My anxiety was beyond belief, even before Afib, and I feel it is no surprise that a physical problem manifested.

I had Covid before, after all, and did not get Afib. My stress was significantly worse by July 2023.

My mom's favorite way to remind me to count my blessings was a song she learned when she was younger:

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your blessings, see what God hath done;

Count your blessings, name them one by one;

Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.

See the rest of the lyrics here.

That's the best song in the whole wide world. God has blessed me immeasurably, which is why I used the image in this post today. My greatest blessing is my family and the happiness we share. I can never forget that and will never forget that.

After this day, my spirits were high, and I felt confident about the upcoming tests and visits. I felt I would be okay, but as you can imagine, my anxiety still was trying to creep in from time to time. That's when I visited my Primary Care Provider and shared with her some of the things I felt were contributing to my concerns. They let me know the root cause of my concerns.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: PTSD.

10: The Ups and Downs

I remember the first time I rode a roller coaster. I was terrified.

It was the Georgia Cyclone at Six Flags Over Georgia. A wooden coaster that took you through turns and hills up to 60 miles per hour. That was fast at that time when Six Flags had fewer coasters. Goliath more than buries the Georgia Cyclone today and so many other coasters that have come along since then too.

But I remember getting on it with my friend Nick Brenchak and climbing that hill to the top. I was so scared, I couldn't look up. I held on to the handlebar in front of me as tightly as I could and tried to breathe normally, my heart pumping. Once you reached the top, a camera captures your final moment before you plunge into the twists and turns of the coaster. In the picture afterward, Nick has his hands raised high, his mouth wide open, looking forward to the descent. I was hunched over in fear, still gripping the handlebar, holding on for dear life.

Did I also mention I was 17 at the time? I was so scared of rides like that when I was younger that I hardly ever went near a theme park like Six Flags. I remember one time my parents wanted to take me there on a trip to Atlanta, but instead I asked if we could go to Hartsville-Jackson International Airport instead. I wanted to watch the planes take off and land. It was so much fun. Back in the 1980s, you could go to the airport anytime before the days of September 11 and Homeland Security. I was so happy watching that, yet still scared to get on a plane. My first flight wouldn't be until I was 35 years old.

Yet, here I was at 44 years old, dealing with something truly terrifying. For all the things that seemed to be delayed in my life, diabetes came on early.

The good news was that I had conquered the beast a bit. With a reading of 5.6 for my A1c, I was physically, mentally, and spiritually in a great place. My provider even said it wasn't true to say I was diabetic now. I was dealing with hyperglycemia, but saying I was fully diabetic would have been a stretch. So, everything was looking good. I was still living with something I had to work on, but it wasn't as bad as I thought. That sounds like how I felt after riding roller coasters and airplanes.

But now came the hardest part, the real part of living with something--maintaining.

It was so easy to shed the excess weight. It was so easy to start up a better exercise routine. Going from an A1c of 10 down to 5.6 seemed so easy. But maintaining from here on would take real work.

Things from August on seemed to be going in the right direction for me. I was scheduled to visit my provider again in November, this time checking an array of labs in addition to my A1c. So, I wanted that visit to shine. Fortunately, things appeared to be going that way.

For one, my weight was maintained at a stable level I was happy with. The goal my provider and I deduced would be good for me regarding weight was to stay between 200-205 lbs. So, the changes I had made to my diet remained in place from August through November. I decided to go to Canes again on campus. My gosh, those are some good chicken fingers and fries. Eating that meal again was like manna from God. I still was not eating Chick-Fil-a regular sandwiches, though, which could be a bummer. But I was managing to eat the grilled chicken sandwich instead from Chick-fil-a. I've really developed a love for it. Other diet pieces were in place, and I felt like I was doing exactly what I needed to in order to maintain the 5.6 or lower.

My exercise routine was going perfectly. I ran and walked quite a bit, but the weightlifting became problematic. I gradually increased the amount of weight for lifting, but eventually, my right shoulder began to have some issues. This issue stemmed from an injury I had as a teenager, where my shoulder separated. The shoulder issues have been something I have to live with. My shoulder ached all the time, forcing me to reduce my weightlifting routine. I had been lifting weights almost every day since April of that year, so by September, I had to reduce that. The last thing I wanted was to injure myself, trying to stay healthy.

Additionally, things at work and school were going well. I was nearing my proposal defense for my Ph.D. That created some heavy stress. But the proposal defense was good stress because it was nearing completion. Next, work was going well. I was enjoying teaching in a course I had been in for 7 years, at that point, more than I ever had before. I felt more positive at work and looked forward to what might be at Clemson. Unexpectedly, I found myself in a television commercial for Clemson, which was a huge bright spot. I was asked by a student in the program to come to a photo shoot because they wanted an instructor present too. I had no idea that would be on the jumbotron at football games, almost every sporting event at Clemson, and television commercials. That was good and bad stress because it was awesome, but I felt bad for it because that was never my intent. 

Even during this stretch of time from August through November, my favorite sports team, the Atlanta Braves, won the World Series for the first time in 26 years. The last time they won it, I was at Game 6 that year to see them win it in person in 1995. 

All of these things, the proposal on October 27, my diet and weight holding strong, the World Champs, the commercial, it all felt like such great things were happening. I was really living it up and felt so positive and happy about the direction things were heading. I couldn't wait to get to my next appointment at my provider to see the A1c result. I was sure that vast changes would ensue for the better. My A1c would be excellent. Maybe the meds would be reduced or gone. I would be completely back to "normal." 

So, you can imagine my surprise when I got my A1c result back on November 18, 2021.

When I went for my visit that day, here were my vital signs and other demographics:

11/18/2021

BP 120/70, down from 142/78 in April

Weight: 202, maintained from August

BMI: 27.40

These were so good! Then came some other labs.

Cholesterol 151, down from 205

Triglycerides 46, down from 162

HDL 51, up from 41

LDL 91, down from 132

Risk Ratio 3, down from 5

Glucose 87 (WNL)

AST 17 (15-37), ALT 29 (14-63), so my liver was in great shape.

All of this was very good too. In the past, I had high liver enzymes due to obesity when I was 29, so I knew these numbers were great.

That brought me to my A1c:

Now, let's be clear on this result. This is not a terrible result for an A1c. 5.8 falls in the range of 5.7-6.4, indicative of prediabetes. People typically must make lifestyle modifications at this level before the medicine is included. So, this is nothing near like the 10 level I had 7 months earlier. But I was discouraged.

All the happiness and joy I had felt was hollow suddenly. Everything had been going well for me during that time. EVERYTHING. And then suddenly, my A1c went UP??? I didn't understand it at all. I hadn't changed my diet much. I hadn't changed my workout routine much. My weight was stable. How could my A1c go up AT ALL?

I was not happy with this result, as you can tell. I was even less happy with the decision to INCREASE my Glucophage. I had been taking 1000 mg per day since April. Now, I was going to have to take 2000 mg per day, 1000 mg twice daily. I was very discouraged by this. If anything, I wanted to reduce the Glucophage, if not eliminate it. So, being told to increase the medications made me feel like I was being punished in some way.

I wasn't being truly punished, but I had a sinking feeling. My mindset instantly switched in that direction. I didn't want to take MORE medicine. I didn't want to have to do MORE. I wanted things to stay on an even keel. When this happened, it really felt like I had just hit an iceberg. Fortunately, this wasn't the Titanic. But the ups and downs continued from there as I progressed, trying to unravel how to work through this hurdle.

This hurdle had its twists and turns I didn't see coming as it turned out. But that's a story for next time. Look for more about the ups and downs on 10: Ups and Downs Into Darkness.

10: My Mentality

 "Vanity is definitely my favorite sin."--John Milton, The Devil's Advocate

"When you're brought into this world, they say you're born in sin. Well, at least they gave me something I didn't have to steal or have to win."--Jon Bon Jovi, Blaze of Glory

These two quotes epitomize where my mentality was before the A1c of 10.

Don't get me wrong, I love the film and song, so I'm not criticizing them. The film and the song highlight important messages. From the plot twists you see coming to the action-adventure oozing out of the guitar solo, both are fun to listen to and watch. But they are just for fun. That's the part where the message begins.

Sometimes that little voice inside your head tells you things only a child understands. Your inner child never leaves you from the time of your childhood until the day you die. From time to time, you listen to it as a child would. It's perfectly normal to do so, by the way. Everyone does it. We all want to embrace childish things sometimes. People might call it a mid-life crisis when you've reached my age bracket. It's the point in your life where you want to still be young, but you aren't anymore. That's when you either have to be mature and accept where you are in life at that point, or you have a crisis. Erikson's stages of development call this Generativity vs. Stagnation. It's the middle age time in life when you contribute to society and be part of a family. If you achieve generativity, you've succeeded at leaving something behind that will still be here when your life ends. Whether raising children or doing valued things at work, you feel accomplished that what you have done in life means something to someone. On the contrary, stagnation means you haven't achieved something that is beneficial to your psyche. Insecurity, failure, and even selfishness are all things that could lead to stagnation. Negative self-talk plays a factor in this as well.

Before March 31, 2021, my mentality wasn't the best. As mentioned, I was considering quitting the PhD program by March 2021. I didn't feel all that well and physically was showing signs of a problem. Despite having successes in life, I didn't feel successful. I remember at one point, Clemson was playing Ohio State in the College Football Playoff in 2020, and I could have cared less that they lost. The truth is, I could have cared less if they had won. I was always excited and happy when the teams I loved did well and angry and sad when they lost. By January 2021, though, I didn't care anymore. I remember asking a friend back then what does that mean. They said, "You're numb. That's what depression is."

Was I depressed? I knew I wasn't happy with how things were then. The state of the world through a pandemic. How people were acting on social media. Things at home had grown complacent. I certainly felt out of balance, but was I fully depressed now? I think my real issue was a negative way of looking at things, which had become pervasive throughout society leading up to March 31, 2023. The A1c of 10 certainly could have caused my mind to go either way. I could have spiraled downward after that revelation and truly became depressed. Instead, it became a motivator. The A1c of 10 let me know something was wrong and that I could fix it. So, I listened to my grandmother and my mother on this one.

As my grandmother Maw Maw said, "Keep it on the sunny side."

Maw Maw, or Joanne Thrift, was a journalist for the Anderson Independent Mail during her time working. She was an exemplary journalist at that. Her final column in the newspaper before retiring was The Home Towner. She consistently and frequently wrote about other people's successes, adventures, engagements, passions, and desires, which mostly involved helping others. She loved doing things for other people, no matter what. She was a gifted and talented writer, and I could only dream of being as good as she was with her ability.

She loved writing about stories of perseverance. People who overcame obstacles to find happiness. Her main goal was to spread a little sunshine each and every time someone read her column. That's how I remember her and will always remember her. One of the most uplifting and encouraging people you will ever meet, and she was my grandmother. But I was blessed more than that. I have a mother that feels the exact same way. Mom loved Maw Maw's ways and embraced them the whole time she has been married to my dad.

My mom was worried about me leading up until March 31, 2023, because of my mentality. She was worried something was killing me from the inside and attributed most of it to stress. She wondered if I should go see a doctor for no other reason than to find a way to take the edge off. She saw how tired I was, how grumpy and outright angry I was about everything. She wanted me to be happy again. When she first heard about the A1c of 10, she didn't believe it. She thought it wasn't real. But I knew it was real. I could feel it. After that, my mom did everything she could to help me. But the biggest thing she did was help me realize what my provider was trying to tell me--you can make yourself feel better!

That was part of the problem, my own vanity sometimes. Again, I would listen to that voice telling me it's ok. I don't need any help. It's fine the way things are. I don't need to change. But what the voice said was all in vain. It was all in my head. Not a delusion, mind you, that negative self-talk. But the ability to persevere was there too. I had to believe I could do it. Between Maw Maw, my Father-in-law and Mother-in-law, my parents, Leslie, and the kids, I had a team of people helping me learn to adapt my thinking. Abby did something I'll never forget.

Abby was watching her daddy when the news came out about the A1c. What she saw was a broken person for a few weeks. She listened to things that were being said and paid attention to how I and others responded. One thing she took note of was that her daddy couldn't have sweet tea anymore. So, for that reason, Abby didn't want sweet tea anymore. How remarkable is that? My 11-year-old daughter, at that time, didn't want to do something anymore because she knew I couldn't, to try to help me out. She would sacrifice like me if it meant better health and well-being. Mainly better health and well-being for her daddy.

I changed my mindset when I was 33 because of my kids. In 2011, I was over 250 lbs and wanted to diet to get myself in better shape and allow me to enjoy things more with my kids as they grew up. Abby was about to turn 1 year old when I made this decision, and Charlie was a few months away from being born. It worked! I lost over 30 lbs and felt so much better, even running again as I had before. I didn't believe I would be in the position I was in 10 years later, in 2021, but that happened. I had gained that weight back and then some, and it was due largely to complacency and listening to that negative self-talk sometimes. But I had succeeded before. I could do it again. But now, my daughter was doing it for me.

2011 I did it for my kids, but in 2021 I was doing it for me and everyone else I cared about. I won't let 2031 come and have to start over again. This time the mentality had to be to make changes that were truly sustainable and not fall back into the complacency I had developed about healthy ways. Some thought I was healthy but hadn't been for a few years. My mindset had to be different. So, as I've mentioned many times, I prayed. I asked Jesus for help to guide me on this new journey to help me help myself so I can continue to help those I care about most. I asked him to help me persevere...and he heard me. He was always listening and always trying to help me.

The biggest mindset change that was needed was to reduce the negativity. I don't believe you can completely wipe out the negative things going on around you, but you can reduce it. I stopped looking at some things on social media. No influencers. No politics. No news. I also stopped talking myself down. Negative self-talk is powerful. I had to think about what was good in my life more than anything not going so good. When it came to the PhD, I focused on what I could do and stopped thinking what I was doing wasn't good enough. I made it good enough. I wasn't going to quit now. I was just getting started.

The A1c of 10 had flipped a switch, and I was winning because I overcame this obstacle with the support of those I love.

And what were the results, you might ask? You'll have to tune in next time for 10: The Results.

10: Dream Analysis

The Final Analysis of the Four Dreams

So, the burning question. What did all of these dreams mean, and what did any of them have to do with diabetes?

Since I'm a huge science fiction and fantasy fan, especially of Star Trek, I'll use a phrase so often uttered by Spock. It will appear logical in the end.

Vivid dreams are powerful and skirt the boundary between the real and the unreal. It was hard to discern what was real in each dream and what wasn't, and my mind didn't perceive anything as unreal, even though there were elements that defied reason.

My grandparents, who had long passed away, had returned alive and well in the dreams. That was the only critical difference between reality and the dreams. Everything else was grounded in reality. The people walking up to the house in a line looked perfectly normal, except for their behavior. The white figure didn't do anything profound but stand there. The voice said a simple phrase. There was nothing behind me. The monster was never seen. The fanciful elements of the dreams weren't that unrealistic. Someone could even conclude the roar in the dream from the monster wasn't a monster at all. Those pieces seemed to be inside me, even within the dream.

What was profound was having people present in the dream.

They say when you near the end of life, sometimes you can see relatives long since deceased returning to console you in your waning days. Now, I don't think for one minute I was dying, but I was having a profound change in my life. For that reason, the people that had been most dear to me in my life to that point appeared:

My grandparents

My parents

My wife and children

As the dreams happened, I misinterpreted the meanings at that time. The dream about Niney, I thought, was about her and missing her. The dream where Leslie had a convulsion suggested concern about her. The dream with Maw Maw and Paw Paw and my mother seemed like reminiscing about times past until something was behind me. The monster was after me and the children. Even my dogs at the time got into the action at that moment.

None of the dreams were about them, though. It was a warning for me, and when you see the interpretations below, it will make sense why I was being warned about the insidious disease known as diabetes.

Dream 1: A Knock at the Door

This dream was warning me that I was now pre-diabetic. It made sense that the first person to come and warn me about my impending diabetes journey would be the person I saw diabetes ravage the most. Niney, my grandmother, deteriorated from diabetes over the span of seven years. I had a front-row seat to it as I grew up. Not only was she alive and well, she was walking around helping me do stuff in the dream, which would have been impossible for her to do in this world. Her legs had been amputated leading up to her death, so the spiritual realm had manifested new ones for her.

She came to warn me because my body had shifted from the previous year. The last time I had an A1c done was in March 2018. That year my A1c was 5.6, so normal. However, I was 0.1 points away from being classified as pre-diabetic. By May 2019, my weight had increased substantially, and I struggled to run sometimes. Had I had an A1c check in March 2019, my A1c would have been 5.7-6.4 at least. The reason for this can be shown in pictures an Atlanta Braves game in 2018 and Halloween 2019:

Braves Game May 2018

Halloween 2019

Look at my weight gain between these two images, a little over a year apart. Even in the pic from 2018, I had to suck in my gut a little. In my face, however, you could see the excess weight. The excess weight was apparent in the Halloween picture as my jumpsuit fit me rather tightly. 

I was the heaviest I had ever been in my life. Nearly 10 years earlier, my weight was in this same category, prompting me to take action to try to lose weight and become healthier. But 10 years of time takes its toll on a person, balancing work and life, and a PhD. By December 2019, I was over 250 lbs, if not more. For my build, that was way too much. Niney was trying to warn me, but the warning went unheeded. Hence, the next set of dreams.

Dreams 2 and 3: Someone is Here, and There is Someone Walking Behind You

I'm putting these two dreams together because they happened a week apart. I've now interpreted the white ghost-looking figure to be the Holy Spirit. This was the day I became classified as diabetic. By this date, April 2020, we were amid the pandemic. As such, I wasn't willing to go anywhere much unless I just had to. So, going to get an A1c check for my annual birthday check-up did not happen. Had I gone and had my A1c checked, then the score would have been 6.5 or above. My weight had done nothing but go up over the past year. All running had ceased. My exercise routine was not consistent. My diet was horrible. I'm certain I wasn't alone about the diet considering most people were stressed by what was happening due to the pandemic. Comfort food was a must then.

But at the end of Dream 2, the voice says someone is here. After that, the pulse wave sensation shot out from the core of my body in all directions when I awoke. That sensation came almost from the spot where the pancreas is located. Your pancreas is near the intestines and stomach, not far from the Xiphoid Process on the sternum. I believe this was the exact moment I became diabetic. Leslie's reaction to convulsing and passing out had to do with what was wrong with me and the realization that something profound had happened. 

But the voice. That voice was the Holy Spirit, letting me know it was there. It was going to be there to continue trying to warn me. The Holy Spirit was trying to let me know something life-changing had happened to me. I would have to come to grips with it sooner or later.

Dream 3 was a further warning trying to get me to see. Something walking up behind me was diabetes overtaking me. The ghost, or whatever it was, was within me. I saw nothing behind me because it was already inside me. The insidious way of diabetes began working on my body, filling my mother with fear in the dream. This starkly contrasted how my mother would have responded to her baby being affected by something in real life. The fear was not in her but within me. The manifestation of symptoms of diabetes had only just begun but was in full swing by late 2020.

In late October 2020, I had another bizarre encounter involving bedtime. This was no dream, though. Whatever happened took place while I was still awake.

I had gotten out of bed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night. Leslie and the kids were all asleep, and I crawled back into bed. When I did, though, I felt something come up behind me and put its arms around me. For a split second, I thought I saw the shape of a nose out of the corner of my eye. I started drifting back to sleep, but this grabbed my attention. This action awoke me immediately, and I looked across the bed to see that everyone in the room was still asleep. For a moment, I thought maybe Leslie had gotten up and gone to the bathroom and, on her way back, decided to hug me in my sleep. Literally seconds, from my perspective, had passed since I left the bathroom and returned to bed. There was no way Leslie did this action or even one of the kids.

Although this could have been an alarming thought, who just touched me as I went back to sleep? Honestly, I was calm. I laid my head back down and drifted back off to sleep. It was comforting and made me feel peaceful. Nothing was scary about this because it was like someone or something had hugged me. I believe again this was the Holy Spirit, if not Christ Himself.

The next day, I looked to see what getting a hug from behind meant. That is one of the most comforting things a person can do because the person being hugged is vulnerable, and this type of hug offers reassurance. Doesn't that sound like something God would do? This is a significant moment, separate from the dreams but certainly tied to them. The hug signified that God was with me to help comfort me through whatever was about to happen with diabetes. It was also significant that this was the first time I showed symptoms of an elevated A1c. Urinating frequently, especially in the middle of the night, is a sign of poor sugar control. My body was just beginning to show issues, and it would only worsen in the months ahead.

God was trying to console me because the big reveal was headed my way.

Dream 4: The Monster

By March 2021, I was highly symptomatic of diabetic issues related to the exceptionally high A1c of 10. Weight loss had begun. I urinated frequently at night to get the excess sugar out of my body. I was fatigued, irritable, and worn out. It should be no surprise that one final dream came at one of the darkest times of my life in recent history. A time when I was at a crossroads of despair. This was the final attempt by God to help me understand what was happening to me.

The monster in the dream was not a literal monster, though. It was the monster within me. The monster of diabetes taking its toll on my body and well-being. I was losing, and if this dream didn't serve to wake me up to what was going on, nothing would. Who knows where my life might have gone from there if this dream hadn't occurred.

I remember waking up from that dream, realizing how quickly it happened, and thinking, How is that possible? I just had a dream that fast and that vivid? The dream happened over a 30-minute period that morning. The others happened during sleep at night, but this one was a literal nap by comparison. However, you typically remember dreams right before you awaken, so most likely, all the dreams happened in a short sleep period. God works in mysterious ways.

I knew from that dream and things going on in March 2021 that something else was happening besides stress and difficulties at home, work, or school. Something was wrong with me. Finally, I got checked out and had the reveal of the A1c of 10. It all made sense instantly.

Why did it take nearly 2 years to figure this out?

Well, that's because of how our reality works. You see, in heaven, time has no meaning. When God does something, it happens instantly for Him. But for us here on Earth, it could be years, even centuries, as events unfold.

2 Peter 3:8-9 reads:

"But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance."

That verse puts it all in perspective. God knows what is happening to us and works to help us, but we also must realize how His time scale works. The timing of His help was perfect. It also makes sense from the verse. To quote James T. Kirk's line from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan:

"Hours instead of days. Now we have minutes instead of hours."

From God's perspective, He was quickly trying to help me see what was happening, but the time scale here on earth put that relative position over years for me. Two years had to go by for me to receive the completed message. It was all for His glory. I honestly can't think of a better way to prove the existence of God than this as well. Reading all these dreams and the analysis, I can't think of a better way to help a non-believer understand how God works and why you must operate from His time scale and not your own.

Since March 3, 2021, I haven't had another vivid dream again. Like I've said, I've had some typical run-of-the-mill goofy dreams since that time. But I have had no dreams like these four ever again. That hug sensation has never happened again.

I just know He is there. He's watching, praying, and working for me and anyone who needs Him. This is just my story of how God intervened and helped me. He intervenes more than you realize, but sometimes it goes unnoticed. He did this for me because my actions led me to something profound in my life. I wasn't near death, but maybe I was headed toward a rough life in the years ahead with my health. I still have much work left to do.

I'm grateful for the help He has given me. Maybe He's helping you too.

That concludes the Dream Analysis, and for the next post, we'll go into what I did to help me overcome the fear, the physical issues, and other constraints of diabetes, so much so that my provider won't even classify me as being diabetic.

I did it all through Him. Thank you, Jesus.