10: My Mentality

 "Vanity is definitely my favorite sin."--John Milton, The Devil's Advocate

"When you're brought into this world, they say you're born in sin. Well, at least they gave me something I didn't have to steal or have to win."--Jon Bon Jovi, Blaze of Glory

These two quotes epitomize where my mentality was before the A1c of 10.

Don't get me wrong, I love the film and song, so I'm not criticizing them. The film and the song highlight important messages. From the plot twists you see coming to the action-adventure oozing out of the guitar solo, both are fun to listen to and watch. But they are just for fun. That's the part where the message begins.

Sometimes that little voice inside your head tells you things only a child understands. Your inner child never leaves you from the time of your childhood until the day you die. From time to time, you listen to it as a child would. It's perfectly normal to do so, by the way. Everyone does it. We all want to embrace childish things sometimes. People might call it a mid-life crisis when you've reached my age bracket. It's the point in your life where you want to still be young, but you aren't anymore. That's when you either have to be mature and accept where you are in life at that point, or you have a crisis. Erikson's stages of development call this Generativity vs. Stagnation. It's the middle age time in life when you contribute to society and be part of a family. If you achieve generativity, you've succeeded at leaving something behind that will still be here when your life ends. Whether raising children or doing valued things at work, you feel accomplished that what you have done in life means something to someone. On the contrary, stagnation means you haven't achieved something that is beneficial to your psyche. Insecurity, failure, and even selfishness are all things that could lead to stagnation. Negative self-talk plays a factor in this as well.

Before March 31, 2021, my mentality wasn't the best. As mentioned, I was considering quitting the PhD program by March 2021. I didn't feel all that well and physically was showing signs of a problem. Despite having successes in life, I didn't feel successful. I remember at one point, Clemson was playing Ohio State in the College Football Playoff in 2020, and I could have cared less that they lost. The truth is, I could have cared less if they had won. I was always excited and happy when the teams I loved did well and angry and sad when they lost. By January 2021, though, I didn't care anymore. I remember asking a friend back then what does that mean. They said, "You're numb. That's what depression is."

Was I depressed? I knew I wasn't happy with how things were then. The state of the world through a pandemic. How people were acting on social media. Things at home had grown complacent. I certainly felt out of balance, but was I fully depressed now? I think my real issue was a negative way of looking at things, which had become pervasive throughout society leading up to March 31, 2023. The A1c of 10 certainly could have caused my mind to go either way. I could have spiraled downward after that revelation and truly became depressed. Instead, it became a motivator. The A1c of 10 let me know something was wrong and that I could fix it. So, I listened to my grandmother and my mother on this one.

As my grandmother Maw Maw said, "Keep it on the sunny side."

Maw Maw, or Joanne Thrift, was a journalist for the Anderson Independent Mail during her time working. She was an exemplary journalist at that. Her final column in the newspaper before retiring was The Home Towner. She consistently and frequently wrote about other people's successes, adventures, engagements, passions, and desires, which mostly involved helping others. She loved doing things for other people, no matter what. She was a gifted and talented writer, and I could only dream of being as good as she was with her ability.

She loved writing about stories of perseverance. People who overcame obstacles to find happiness. Her main goal was to spread a little sunshine each and every time someone read her column. That's how I remember her and will always remember her. One of the most uplifting and encouraging people you will ever meet, and she was my grandmother. But I was blessed more than that. I have a mother that feels the exact same way. Mom loved Maw Maw's ways and embraced them the whole time she has been married to my dad.

My mom was worried about me leading up until March 31, 2023, because of my mentality. She was worried something was killing me from the inside and attributed most of it to stress. She wondered if I should go see a doctor for no other reason than to find a way to take the edge off. She saw how tired I was, how grumpy and outright angry I was about everything. She wanted me to be happy again. When she first heard about the A1c of 10, she didn't believe it. She thought it wasn't real. But I knew it was real. I could feel it. After that, my mom did everything she could to help me. But the biggest thing she did was help me realize what my provider was trying to tell me--you can make yourself feel better!

That was part of the problem, my own vanity sometimes. Again, I would listen to that voice telling me it's ok. I don't need any help. It's fine the way things are. I don't need to change. But what the voice said was all in vain. It was all in my head. Not a delusion, mind you, that negative self-talk. But the ability to persevere was there too. I had to believe I could do it. Between Maw Maw, my Father-in-law and Mother-in-law, my parents, Leslie, and the kids, I had a team of people helping me learn to adapt my thinking. Abby did something I'll never forget.

Abby was watching her daddy when the news came out about the A1c. What she saw was a broken person for a few weeks. She listened to things that were being said and paid attention to how I and others responded. One thing she took note of was that her daddy couldn't have sweet tea anymore. So, for that reason, Abby didn't want sweet tea anymore. How remarkable is that? My 11-year-old daughter, at that time, didn't want to do something anymore because she knew I couldn't, to try to help me out. She would sacrifice like me if it meant better health and well-being. Mainly better health and well-being for her daddy.

I changed my mindset when I was 33 because of my kids. In 2011, I was over 250 lbs and wanted to diet to get myself in better shape and allow me to enjoy things more with my kids as they grew up. Abby was about to turn 1 year old when I made this decision, and Charlie was a few months away from being born. It worked! I lost over 30 lbs and felt so much better, even running again as I had before. I didn't believe I would be in the position I was in 10 years later, in 2021, but that happened. I had gained that weight back and then some, and it was due largely to complacency and listening to that negative self-talk sometimes. But I had succeeded before. I could do it again. But now, my daughter was doing it for me.

2011 I did it for my kids, but in 2021 I was doing it for me and everyone else I cared about. I won't let 2031 come and have to start over again. This time the mentality had to be to make changes that were truly sustainable and not fall back into the complacency I had developed about healthy ways. Some thought I was healthy but hadn't been for a few years. My mindset had to be different. So, as I've mentioned many times, I prayed. I asked Jesus for help to guide me on this new journey to help me help myself so I can continue to help those I care about most. I asked him to help me persevere...and he heard me. He was always listening and always trying to help me.

The biggest mindset change that was needed was to reduce the negativity. I don't believe you can completely wipe out the negative things going on around you, but you can reduce it. I stopped looking at some things on social media. No influencers. No politics. No news. I also stopped talking myself down. Negative self-talk is powerful. I had to think about what was good in my life more than anything not going so good. When it came to the PhD, I focused on what I could do and stopped thinking what I was doing wasn't good enough. I made it good enough. I wasn't going to quit now. I was just getting started.

The A1c of 10 had flipped a switch, and I was winning because I overcame this obstacle with the support of those I love.

And what were the results, you might ask? You'll have to tune in next time for 10: The Results.