10: October Acceptance

Ah, October is one of my favorite months of the year. It's such a favorite that I named a character in my book The Civilization Loop after the month, the nefarious Willis October. You can go here to see more about my books. You'll also see the eyes of October.

But October is my second favorite month, behind a tie for December (Christmas) and March (my birth month). Halloween, however, is my favorite holiday, right up there with Christmas. From the graphic you can see with this entry, I look for the positive attributes of Halloween that make me love it so much. It's not about the occult or dark, evil spirits. It's about the camaraderie, togetherness, and fun. Scary stuff can be fun, particularly when you know it is not real. There are far more terrifying things real human beings do each and every day that make Halloween pale in comparison.

With October starting up, that already put me in a better mindset. But also, I was starting to take a better perspective on things. I watched a video as part of the RN PREP training we have students doing that was all about perspective. It spoke about how we respond to things, our reactions and how we can let our emotions get the better of us. The video also spoke about ways to react better and allow for resilience to build. I had to learn resilience, where Afib was concerned and how that affected my mindset.

From that day, October 3rd, I felt things progressing in a more positive direction. I was still stressed, but I didn't feel unwell anymore, especially like I had the week before. I was going to see my primary care provider about something to help with stress. My cardiologist was now going to do a stress test and echocardiogram to see where my heart is currently. But I started doing some things for myself to try and help, too. Much of the change centered around diet changes.

Because of some of the concerns I had with Afib, I started reading up on diet modifications you could make. Now, I was actively in Afib, but I felt it couldn't hurt to change some things up anyway. For one, in June 2023, when I went to my cardiologist, I weighed in that day at 219 lbs. A few weeks later, I was up to 221 lbs. I was slowly creeping back up to the range where my weight had been when I first went to my primary care provider about my high A1c.

None of this was good, and even my cardiologist suggested that it would be good for me to get my weight down lower to help with things about my heart. So, after the incident on Labor Day, I switched my diet pieces to some of the things I had done initially when I had an A1c of 10.

Firstly, I cut out all the sweets. No ice cream, no candy, no nothing in that category. I started doing this right after the issues on Labor Day. I also cut down on items like popcorn, pizza, and other fatty foods. I ate more grilled chicken vegetables and bought Smart Ones meals at the grocery store. Part of the reason I did this is I noticed that my Potassium levels were on the low side. It was in the expected range of 3.5-5, but sometimes it was 3.7 or even 3.6 when assessed. On the day I had Afib, my Potassium level dipped to 3.3 momentarily. I began feeling like a lower Potassium was not helping my situation, particularly if a blockage was present. So, I began eating foods with Potassium in them.

We all know that bananas are a good source of Potassium, but I don't eat fruit. Part of the reason I don't is the sugars in some fruits can drive up blood sugars. So, I looked for other sources. Broccoli is a great source of Potassium. Suddenly, I developed a liking for Broccoli like I never had before. Just ask my in-laws how much I used to love Broccoli (very sarcastic now). Broccoli actually led to one of the first arguments Leslie and I had, believe it or not. But now, I love it.

Also, green vegetables are good sources, beans, Salmon, chicken, spinach, the list goes on and on. The other piece with these items, they are healthier most of the time. Of course, too much of a good thing can be bad, but I knew if I ate more grilled things and less fried, as well as things containing potassium because they were better for me, then even if I had a blockage, this change would help.

I was also continuing to walk at least 30 minutes a day. I didn't try to push it like I had on Labor Day. A minimum of 30 minutes is substantial. All of these changes were good things for me to pursue, particularly considering the issues recently with my heart. A heart-healthy diet was something my cardiologist wanted me to look at anyway.

When I began making these changes, my weight was 214 lbs, so it had already come down a bit because of stress and other factors. But these changes, beginning in September and continuing into October, would only help me and not hinder me.

I was accepting that I needed to make changes. I was getting myself right with God, and now I needed to get myself right with me. Fortunately, another waking sleep moment would help me see that my changes were helping me more than I knew.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: Count Your Blessings.

 

10: Wake Me Up When September Ends, Part 3

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

After the loop monitor insertion, things began to ease off some. My anxiety came down quite a bit. I was feeling a little more like myself but still guarded. My blood sugars were still good. As I said, I felt like I was moving in the right direction.

Then, Tuesday, September 26 came.

The day started fine, but I walked to the hospital around lunchtime to get some food. That's when I had an odd feeling in the center of my body. The sensation was centered between my heart and stomach, and it felt like it was more toward my stomach, but I couldn't tell. What it felt like was weakness.

It was persistent and was present the entire time I walked to and from the hospital. I ate something to see if that would help, then laid down on my office floor for a few minutes. That seemed to help, and then my stomach got upset. I had to use the bathroom two times within an hour, and then my stomach felt sour. I wasn't sure if it was something I had eaten or if perhaps I was getting a stomach bug, but it just felt bad. So, I went to the store to buy some Tums to help alleviate the situation. Back in August, taking some Tums helped me once after eating something I knew I shouldn't have. The Tums also helped again, somewhat, but I still felt off.

The sensation I felt was gone, but I generally felt bad. That was when I decided to go home early that day, ensuring my lab instructors were in a good place. I drove home, still not feeling completely good, and when I reached home, I really didn't feel well.

All of a sudden, this pressure started building up in my chest. I hadn't felt something like that before, even with the Afib. Leslie and Abby had gone shopping, and I was home with Charlie. I decide to go lie in bed, trying to rest some. That's when I checked my blood pressure.

Before this day, my blood pressure had averaged 120s/80s or 130s/80s, not a real concern. But when I checked it around 5 PM that day, it was 168/98 with a pulse of 70. I was shocked. I immediately checked my other arm's blood pressure, which was up, along with my pulse. Then I started to freak out. 

My legs began shaking. I didn't know what was happening. My heart rate was going way up, so I took another Cardizem. I thought the Afib was returning. I was in complete meltdown mode and did the only thing I knew to do: I called my Cardiologist. Since it was after hours, I had to speak with whoever was on call. It was the same person I would see the next day for my loop recorder follow-up. I told them what was happening and all the symptoms I felt. The only thing they could suggest at that moment was for me to go to the ER to have an EKG done and see what might be going on, as they didn't have access at that time to the loop recorder monitor. All I could think was, here I am, headed to the ER again for the second time in a month.

My in-laws were home and helped drive me to the hospital, where my mom and Leslie joined us. I was so stressed out being there again. My blood pressure only came down some, with my heart rate bounding around, but it was never in Afib. I was lying there on the stretcher in the ER, and that's when I had a disturbing thought.

Am I just a burden now? Maybe they would all be better off if I wasn't here.

For an instant, I believed I was a burden on everyone. My anxiety was becoming overwhelming. My fear of Afib pushed me to the brink of unhealthy thoughts and considerations. Those are really unbelievable thoughts. I had many blessings to be thankful for, but I was letting this situation control me despite knowing I needed to not do that, to give it to God. That's when you know you are powerless to stop it. At that moment, I knew I needed some help.

The 12 Steps Program for alcohol addiction tells you that you can recover until that person admits they have a problem. Well, I admitted it by the time I got home that night. I had a problem, and I needed to fix it. Mentally, my problem was escalating and starting to cause physical reactions.

This can also be termed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The episode of Afib had pushed me to a dark place. Dark thoughts were creeping in, and even the unthinkable was being considered. I had to do something about it. I didn't believe I had a problem for a while during these previous months, but my anxiety had taken on a life of its own. When I went for my loop recorder follow-up, I truly believe my cardiologist was more concerned about my mental well-being than my heart that day. The loop recorder showed nothing. My blood pressure being up was born out of anxiety, fear, and really things unrelated to my heart. Now, my EKG did show some mild ST depression in the anterior lead and some T inversion in the lateral lead. These are not necessarily bad things but could have indicated a potential blocked artery. But, those EKG changes could have also meant electrolyte imbalances or even high stress and anxiety. So, to determine what was happening, they wanted to repeat my stress test and echocardiogram that I had done the previous year. Leslie and I were relieved because we thought more testing was needed.

I asked my cardiologist if they thought I needed something for stress or anxiety, and they answered yes. Either an SSRI or even a Benzodiazepine potentially, so I set an appointment with my primary care provider that day.

For the rest of that week, my stress was still very high. My cardiologist did provide me with some hydralazine for high blood pressure to help until the two tests, just as needed. I took one to take the edge off, and it seemed to help. My blood pressure was fine for the days following, but my anxiety was all over the place. 

At one point that Saturday, I was anxious about being home with no other adults. Once my parents came over to visit, that anxiety came down some. But it was still incredibly high. I was anxious about eating certain foods, fearing it would raise my blood pressure too much. I was fearful of doing things that would get my heart rate up. I was afraid to drive for fear something would happen to my heart and I would kill my whole family in a car accident. I was becoming extremely irrational. 

That Sunday night, my blood pressure went up again. My stomach was just churning all week and causing me issues. I truly believed I had some sort of stomach bug that played a factor, and my cardiologist did wonder if something I ate upset it contributing, but my anxiety was the bigger issue. But as I lay in the bed with my family, I heard whimpering beside me. 

It was Leslie, crying herself to sleep. She was worried sick about me and what was happening to me. I remember laying there thinking, "This can't keep going on. Something has got to give. Someway somehow, it has got to get better. I can't keep doing this to my family, to those I love."

I asked Jesus to help me in any way possible. And He did.

The next day, I had some meetings, and my anxiety was extremely high for those things, making it higher than usual. I had to take another hydralazine to help with the blood pressure. But following that meeting, I talked with a friend who started helping me. They shared some of the concerns they have had in life and what they have had to endure. It started helping me put things in perspective better. Almost immediately, my stomach stopped churning. My blood pressure came down. I could focus again, and I was feeling some better. Maybe it was a stomach bug. Maybe it was just my anxiety. Maybe it was both, but it had eased off. I had put everything in perspective now, and things felt different.

September was finally over, and the dawn of October was starting well for me on this Monday afternoon. Something was telling me, things are going to be ok. I just needed to accept it.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: October Acceptance.

10: Wake Me Up When September Ends, Part 2

Anxiety is a very real thing. Not the kind you get every day about things you have to do. Stress is important to wake you up in the morning and help motivate you to do what you need to: go to work, mow the lawn, attend school, whatever the case.

But as stresses mount up, they push the limits our minds can handle and create authentic anxiety. Your mind races around with thoughts it can't seem to fully handle or comprehend. Emotions can be out of check and out of place. That's when physical responses can occur.

After Labor Day, my anxiety started mounting. Much of the anxiousness stemmed from having to get the loop monitor inserted. For one, it's a minor surgical procedure to have one inserted, so this would be the first such of my life. Second, I was still gravely concerned about the Afib. For all intents and purposes, by early September, I hadn't had another episode of Afib. The meds controlled things, and I was in good shape from that perspective. But the fear of Afib reoccurring, especially after what had occurred on Labor Day, was palpable.

Because of that fear and anxiety mounting, I sometimes began to have physical symptoms. Particularly gastrointestinal symptoms. I felt like I was going to the bathroom a lot for that two-week period leading up to the procedure for the loop monitor. I also did something else that was very anxiety-producing in looking up things on the internet.

When you have concerns of any kind, you should never look anything up on the internet, including articles. Everything will scare you to death. I was convincing myself my heart was failing. What was it doing to my kidneys? I started watching my weight, worried about it going up. I saw foods you should avoid because of Afib. I even got concerned about going to locations of higher elevations.

I read an article about Kinley Jansen, a former Atlanta Braves closer, who has had to work through Afib throughout his pitching career. You can see the story here. This story should have offered hope about overcoming an obstacle and still doing the things you want in life, as Jansen developed Afib at a very young age. Instead, I focused on the one time he had to stay back from a series in Colorado because Afib put him at greater risk of developing a blood clot due to the Afib and thinner air. So, naturally, I began looking up elevations of places I frequented. It was a little ridiculous.

However, if you are curious, it was interesting to learn that Clemson, SC, is a lower elevation than Anderson, SC. Greenville is the highest elevation in the upstate of the big 3: Anderson, Greenville, and Spartanburg. Atlanta is slightly above a 1000-foot elevation, which is just above Anderson, where I live. Of course, the beaches are all at sea level or slightly above, and Pigeon Forge, where my family likes to go a lot, is around 1000 feet. None of this matters, though.

When I developed Afib, I was in Columbia, SC, right on the outskirts, which is hundreds of feet lower than my hometown. But the more important thing, in the case of Jansen, and the real reason he couldn't go to Colorado for that series, he was in Afib at the time. When you are controlling the Afib, meaning it is not present, there are no issues. There are no restrictions.

I was failing to see those things and doing one thing: I was letting the Afib control me.

During the week before the loop monitor insertion, I talked with a colleague who helped me realize this perspective. They were very helpful in getting me to see how this issue affected me. Even as I spoke to them, my eyes began to tear up because I knew they were right. They weren't the only one who helped me see how this episode's anxiety and fear was becoming crippling. Other colleagues, my mother, and my wife were all concerned that I was succumbing more to the anxiety and fear than the actual issue that had occurred. When I sometimes sat at home alone or even in church listening to sermons or songs, I wanted to cry and did so several times. I was calling my mom routinely to talk to her about these issues. I was a hot mess.

What wasn't a mess, however, were my blood sugars. During this month, I started altering my diet to help with some of the issues. I cut out ice cream and reduced sweets to practically none. I even started trying to eat more chicken and vegetables. I started eating more salads and began doing a diet similar to what I had been on when I first began losing weight, with an A1c of 10 in April 2021. My blood sugars for the entire month of September ranged from 70-90, with only one above 100, and that came down pretty quickly to the 80s that day. My sugars were doing just fine. So, that was a plus.

Finally, the day came for the loop monitor insertion. I was so nervous that morning. When I entered the holding area, my blood pressure was 148/98, and my pulse was 96. As I was going back for the procedure, one of the nurses was a former colleague of mine when I worked in the hospital. That was a reassuring feeling to have someone I knew back there. Since the insertion is considered a surgical procedure, I was taken to the OR suite and draped in surgical attire. They put oxygen on me and then laid a semi-transparent cloth over my face where only light could be seen above. That was unnerving. This situation did nothing to lower my blood pressure, which was 140s/100s by then. Finally, the moment came to insert the monitor. I was not under sedation, so I felt everything. With a momentary pinch and bam, the monitor was inserted. I heard the doctor say that we were done. After that, I said, "That's it?" Instantly, my anxiety about this procedure fell. My nurse colleague said I handled the procedure well for a nurse because sometimes nurses can be rough patients.

When I returned to the holding area, my blood pressure before I left was 134/86, with a heart rate in the 70s. See how much anxiety was playing a factor here? That was not horrible anxiety, mind you, but my anxiety in general was up, and in no time, the procedure was over, and my day went on. I felt so much better after that. Each day that followed, I could tell my anxiety was easing off, and I was adapting to the new monitor being in place. Things were heading in the right direction.

That's usually when something derails things, even if for a moment. That's exactly what happened the very next week, thanks to my stomach and blood pressure.

Tune in for the final entry of this segment, 10: Wake Me Up When September Ends, Part 3.

10: Wake Me Up When September Ends, Part 1

When you think of songs about September, one in particular comes to mind by Green Day. "Wake me up when September Ends."

The song was written to reflect Billie Joe Armstrong's grief over the loss of his father when he was a boy and the memory of it that came with the month of September. Certainly, this is a very good reason to want to bypass an entire month, as many other people can relate to.

I had my own problems to deal with in September 2023 that made me want to bypass the month altogether.

Coming into the month, my stress and anxiety had become heightened. I was worrying a lot about the loop monitor. I really did not want to do it. Having a device implanted into my chest for the next 2-3 years was very disconcerting to me. I was convincing myself that I didn't need it. But the problem was my anxiety continued to rise.

The biggest cause of my anxiety was worrying about Afib. It never left my mind during this time. Being told, I would need a loop monitor let me know that Afib would never leave my mind. It took control of everything, even though I sometimes tried not to think about it. It was really impossible not to think about Afib for me.

By this point, on September 3rd, I had no presence of Afib since July 14. I was feeling good and just about back to doing things I had before the Afib. I still wasn't running; frankly, I didn't know how much I wanted to run anymore. My knees felt the best they had in months since I had stopped running after the last 5K, and I was so happy that I didn't want to run again. Walking worked fine for me and was something I could do even if Afib was in the back of my mind.

September 4, Labor Day.

On the morning of Labor Day, the first time I was officially off at Clemson, my wife and I decided to walk in my parent's neighborhood. Because everyone was off that Monday, we decided to stay with my parents and enjoy a long weekend together. We walked slightly longer than planned, but I felt great that morning. Then, my heart did something funny. It wasn't funny, mind you, it startled me. It felt like it fluttered a bit, just a few seconds. Everything seemed fine, but then I was thinking about it. I kept looking down at my watch, watching my heart rate. Then, suddenly, my watch went from the 110s to 120s, 130s, 140s, and 161 for my heart rate. I told Leslie I needed to sit down. So, we stopped, and I sat down, resting. My heart rate dropped closer to 100, but I still bounced around a bit. I told Leslie to call my parents to see if they could pick us up. Of course, my mom was more than willing to oblige. Keep in mind, I walked 84 minutes briskly for nearly 5 miles two days earlier. So, the distance and time were not a factor.

By the time my mom got there, I was standing up. When I did, my heart rate started shooting up rapidly. I began freaking out and could feel my hands going numb, and my face around my ears was numb. I said to Leslie, "Am I having a heart attack?" With that, I lay down on the sidewalk and tried to breathe. I wasn't hyperventilating, but I was trying to figure out how to calm myself down. 

My mother came over to check on me, as Leslie called 9-1-1 to get an ambulance there. I was lying there on the ground, staring up at them, unsure of what was happening to me. My mom put her hand on my chest and stood over me as I looked back up at her and asked, "Am I dying, Mom?"

Now, there are some assessment skills that kicked in at this moment after I asked my mother that question. So, you'll read my perspective and my mom's. One thing that entered my mind was the fact I had no pain. There was no chest pain. I wasn't short of breath because of my heart, and I wasn't even short. The numbness that had occurred was not associated with typical heart-related concerns. I could even feel, as I lay there, that my heart was beginning to settle down. Eventually, the numbness around my face and my hands subsided. When the ambulance personnel arrived, I felt like everything had been resolved. But, of course, we still took me on to the ER to be evaluated. What I had realized was that I had a panic attack. Panic attacks can feel like a heart attack, sometimes, at least some of the symptoms, but this was a full-blown panic attack for me.

From my mom's perspective, she was very worried about her son. She stood over me with her hand on my chest while Leslie leaned into her, crying and hoping I would be okay after calling the ambulance. But as she stood over me, my mom prayed and asked Jesus to help me. During that time, something told her that I would be okay. This realization kept her calm and at peace with what was happening to me. She and Leslie followed me to the hospital as I rode again to a hospital. 

When I got into a room in the ER, I felt embarrassed about being there. My mom told me to stop that and that it was a good idea to be checked out with what had just happened. But I knew what had happened. When my heart "jumped" or fluttered, it scared me, and my anxiety increased. That, in turn, will make your heart rate increase. These issues were confirmed by the ER provider when they suggested that Afib was possibly trying to start back up but then reversed, possibly from the meds I take, and then my anxiety caused my heart rate to go up even more. My EKG showed no issues. My bloodwork showed no concerns. Since my heart rate was back to normal and no signs of any real concerns, they released me from the ER.

But during my time in the ER, my mom did talk to me about the loop monitor. She told me that she had heard from several people who had a loop monitor themselves about how beneficial the monitor could be. For one, it gives you peace of mind that someone else may be watching what your heart is doing. Having the monitor releases you from being the only one concerned with what your heart is doing. I understood what my mom was trying to tell me. Hearing how others felt that had one also helped.

It was that day I decided to have the loop monitor inserted. But from that day, leading up to getting the monitor, it had its own concerns and anxiety that accompanied it.

Tune in next time for 10: Wake Me Up When September Ends, Part 2.

10: Climbing Ladders

 

Once, when I was at church, they had a lesson on Climbing Ladders. For the lesson, the message was you only have one way to attain salvation through Christ Jesus, and no actions will allow you to attain it on your own. You surrender to Him, and He provides that salvation to you through your acceptance of Him.

That's a stark contrast to what the world tells you every day. You spend much time believing what you do will completely change things. When you work with and through Jesus, you can accomplish things, but none gives you status. That's the message you typically see in our world today. What will elevate me?

Through most of the month of August, I believed I could overcome the concerns I had from Afib. During this time, my blood sugars had no issues too. The highest my sugars got during the month of August was 105 but mostly resided in the 80's to 90's consistently. So, sugar control was not a huge concern during this time, and I was moving towards my next A1c check in November 2023. The Afib also seemed to be under control. 

Since July 14, nearly a month and a half later on August 24, for my follow-up, no Afib occurred. I was back walking like I had before and doing well. I was feeling good and thought I was beyond this. But I was ignoring some facets going on. For one, even though the monitor showed no Afib, it showed other instances of my heart doing odd things. These odd things were not detrimental but were a cause for concern to the providers. There was also my mental state. Although I was doing good, deep down, I was still very apprehensive about a recurrence of Afib. It permeated my thoughts in unexpected ways.

I was constantly putting on an O2 Sat probe to monitor my heart rate and my oxygen levels. If I wasn't doing that, I was always checking my pulse. I was obsessed. I was checking my blood pressure every so often, which all were good, in the 130s/80s or 120s/70s sometimes, so I wasn't obsessing about that vital sign. But I was obsessing. Although I knew Jesus could help me, I was focusing more on what I could do during this time.

I had it all worked out. I would go on August 24th for the follow-up, and they would say no Afib occurred, which I was correct about. But then I thought they'd take me off this Cardizen and Eliquis, and everything would return to normal. I won't need that loop monitor and'll be completely fine.

That was the part where I messed up. I knew I had even as I walked into the doctor's office that day. I could feel a sense of dread.

The doctor came in and was very positive that Afib had not reoccurred when I had the monitor, but he was concerned about that other moment with the heart. He felt it was necessary I remain on the meds and have an Echocardiogram by the beginning of the next year. But he also suggested something I really did not want. It felt it would be good for me to have a loop monitor.

Now, for those who don't know, a loop monitor is a small device inserted under the skin, a little into the chest muscle below, directly over the heart. This monitor keeps track of everything your heart does 24 hours a day. Inserting the loop monitor is considered a small surgical procedure, so this would be the first surgery I've ever had in my life if I chose to do it. The doctor suggested some dates for the insertion, but I became instantly apprehensive.

I was hesitant and told him I needed to think about it. That was my ego.

I wanted to believe everything was fine and COVID was solely the reason for my issues. Once COVID was gone, the Afib would be gone. But that isn't how things work. There could have been an underlying reason for COVID causing the Afib if that is what happened. It could simply have been COVID triggered something unexpectedly. Certainly, COVID has caused Afib for some in the past. But it was prudent to assess further what might be happening with my heart. For one, the doctor shared with me that my Ejection Fraction (EF) had diminished in July to 50-55%, which is low normal. My EF was 66% the previous year, and I had a fully healthy heart. Most likely, the COVID-triggering Afib is the reason the heart EF reduced; over time, it would probably go back up. But, the doctor wanted to be sure and doing something as simple as a loop monitor could help keep tabs on things.

But again, that wasn't what I wanted to hear. It stressed me out greatly. I didn't understand why I hadn't known how high my EF had been the previous year. Had I known that at the time when the Afib happened, I probably would have been freaked out by what occurred. However, this revelation was still staggering to take because now I knew COVID had done something serious.

That made my mental state that much more apprehensive. On top of all of that, the semester has just begun. That meant all the additional stress of work would pile on to me when I was already stressed. I wasn't in a good place, and this new information only made matters worse. 

I was climbing that ladder to the top, believing I had made it happen alone. Yes, I prayed to Jesus, and he answered, but he wasn't answering the way I wanted. I let that affect me and control me. It's no surprise that after this day, other issues arose. From there, it made for a September I would like to forget, despite any good.

Tune in next time for 10: Wake Me Up When September Ends, Part 1.

10: It's Time

Have you ever just marveled at the beauty of a morning day. When the sun rises, you begin your trek throughout the day to parts and areas unknown or common to serve the greater good as best you can.

The early morning hours are humbling and surreal, particularly on a beautiful day. To me, it's a time when you can feel the presence of God the most, just as you begin to wake up. It's at this moment that sometimes you can hear God speak.

Have you ever thought you heard God speak directly to you?

Now, we all have those moments where scriptures or passages come to mind that feel a calling tugging at our soul to notice what God wants us to see or believe. But have you ever heard the voice?

This is not the voice of a mental health concern but a time when you feel like an audible voice can be heard, particularly in the waking hours of the day. I've outlined a series of dreams that happened to me from 2019-2021, along with a "hug from behind" that happened in between where I felt like God was trying to tell me something. Ultimately, the dreams made sense, leading to concerns over my health and hyperglycemia, resulting in an A1c of 10. Those dreams and sensations helped me cope with the changes to my body and realize that I could succeed as God tried to help me in any way possible.

But in July 2023, this new issue with Afib threw me for a loop. 

When I woke up on July 14, having only gotten probably 4 hours of sleep during the night in the hospital, I was happy my heart was beating normally again. It had been a stressful, arduous day prior, but now things were more peaceful, and I was soon discharged.

I went to my cardiologist the next week to discuss what had occurred. They were now going to put a monitor on me to assess if the Afib might reoccur and determine if any other issues arose. COVID was very much still in my system and wreaking havoc. That first week with the monitor had one moment where my heart rate accelerated to 130 and dropped back to 60 before normalizing. It was a scary moment and made me think Afib was returning, but Cardizem controlled it. After that, I was beginning to get back into walking briskly and starting to feel more like myself again.

After 2 weeks of wearing the monitor, Afib was absent. I did have a bought of my heart staying elevated one night following a rather obnoxious hamburger I ate. I never should have eaten it, but you live and learn. But after that day, I felt much better and progressed to the point that things were normalizing again.

That's when I woke up one night, early in the morning and heard a voice say something.

"It's time."

It sounded like I heard it twice. The only thing I could attribute it to was Christ, God Himself.

When I went to church that Sunday, the lesson was about being Sent. The message was that God wants to reach your world. Part of the message lessons said that the Holy Spirit is talking to you. The Holy Spirit speaks to His people. The Holy Spirit is talking to others. Today's obedience leads to tomorrow's blessings. 

You have to rise and go.

This lesson taught me that blessings were coming for me, but I had to obey. I need to follow whatever Christ was leading me through. This issue with Afib was not as profound as the A1c of 10 had been. It was a season, but it opened my eyes to what I needed to focus on, helping others reach the ultimate goal. The goal of Christ.

I was excited about what this possibility could mean. But I was also anxious about it. The problem was my mindset. I had convinced myself that things would go how I wanted when I returned to the cardiologist. Things had been going well, and I was feeling better, but I was not completely healed. Being sent, in this case, started with my own obedience. I needed to make some changes if I wanted things to be different. You see, my mindset shifted to what I believed I could do alone. I had become a bit fixated on what I could do and not enough on what Christ was doing. Good things were waiting for me, but I had to obey to see them truly come to fruition.

That made the next week so hard as I realized that what I wanted about this Afib issue would not resolve quite as easily as I envisioned. It would mess with my mind and trigger things I didn't believe were possible. But even as a nurse, I should have known it could happen. The next week created an anxiety issue I hadn't anticipated, and soon, I was dealing with a lot more than just a physical condition.

High blood sugar became secondary to a racing heart, but it was still the primary goal to control it. But if I wanted to control it again, I had to listen to Christ and return to where He wanted me to be.

Stay tuned for the next installment, 10: Climbing Ladders.

10: Satanic Attacks

 Have you ever experienced a satanic attack? Movies present grandiose ways that satan comes after Christian and non-Christian people. Whether it's The Exorcist or The Conjuring, they depict terrifying, lethal ways satan interacts with humans. But the reality is much more subtle in ways you might never truly imagine. All you have to do is go back to the first time satan attacked a human, and you'll see why.

Adam and Eve experienced the first satanic attack in Genesis Chapter 3.

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?"

The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.'"

"You will not certainly die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."

Genesis 3:1-5 source: Bible Gateway

I imagine satan looking more like the snake in the pic on this post than some terrifying monster-like presence. This creature had to be somewhat alluring that Eve would even listen. Of course, you know how the rest of the story goes after talking to this creature. Eve tempts Adam, and Adam and Eve partake of the fruit. Then, they are cast out due to their disobedience. 

But it started with something so subtle. Eve thought maybe satan was right.

Another line from a movie that comes to mind is when Darth Vader says, "Your thoughts betray you."

I like to tell my students not to change answers when preparing for an exam. One of the biggest issues students have, myself included, is changing answers on tests. Most of the time, your first instinct is correct, so go with it. But I take it one step further. I tell the students don't even change the answer in your head. The reason is that your thoughts can betray you. Because our thoughts are where both satan and God reside.

Both will tug at you in subtle ways and then slap you in the face at other times with it. But satan really takes it a step further. He loves to just sit in your mind and twist, manipulate, and coerce every thought you've ever had. God doesn't operate like that. God lets you make choices but expects you to live with them.

That's what I was faced with the night of July 13 into the morning of July 14 before I was discharged from Orangeburg. My thoughts were betraying me. The reason was because satan was attacking.

You might think COVID was the satanic attack occurring when you first started reading, but COVID is just COVID. It's just like the apple. All the fuss with the serpent was about a simple apple. COVID is pretty simple, too. It's just a virus. Either you get it, or you don't. Unfortunately, I got COVID, which has sometimes been implicated in causing Atrial Fibrillation in patients. The previous year, I had heart concerns arise before the first time I ever had COVID, so I had a history of potential concerns. Perhaps something was there that was unseen in 2022 but came to be once COVID factored in.

But no matter the circumstances, none warranted the mindset I developed that evening on July 13. That was the point when satan attacked.

"I lies to her, it tells her things only a child could understand."-Poltergeist

Satan took my thoughts and twisted them. In the previous post, I outlined all the negativity going through my mind that evening and what I said to my mother. I was beginning to think, maybe that is right.

But it wasn't.

I wasn't thinking about everything else that had gotten me to this point. It's easy to look back on the last 2 years and think that if I had taken better care of myself, maybe I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now.

But how do you know? Perhaps something worse might have happened had I taken care of myself better. Perhaps something that might have cost me my life.

God doesn't want us to die. He wants us to live in Him. That's a huge difference between satan and God, with his embodiment in Christ. Christ died so we could live and cherish every moment because it will never come again.

That's something a colleague of mine reminded me of a few weeks ago when talking to them about the Afib concerns. If you do all you can and something still happens, you must give that to God. 

That day in the hospital, I suppose the only things that were "off" were the Afib and COVID. All of my other bloodwork and tests were basically expected ranges. Now was a time for healing and follow-up once I got back home.

But the self-loathing did extend a bit into the next day. I was saddened by the fact my family and I couldn't do the beach trip we had planned. I wasn't going to be able to present at the conference I had planned on attending. But at the same time, health concerns were more important to look at for me and my family. Obviously, we couldn't just go on vacation with COVID. However, additional heart concerns warranted coming home.

On the way home, I still had thoughts creep in. Doubts. I thought about all that had happened the last 2 years, and maybe if I had taken better care of myself in the past, I wouldn't be where I am now. See how that nasty thought creeps back in sometimes. Satan's ploy. It's not right. It's just a thought.

For the last 2 years, I've worked diligently to change my habits and correct the A1c of 10. During that time, those efforts also helped me understand things better and change aspects of my life for the better. Again, what if those things hadn't occurred. Would I be alive today to worry about Afib? There are worse things that could happen to a person.

"For this momentary light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison." 2 Corinthians 4:17

Also translated, "This too shall pass."

At that time, I didn't completely understand what was happening to me, but I knew it had to be for a reason. Time would bring it to light and help me to understand so that I can incorporate what is needed into my life to help myself and others. That's the real point, in the end, serving others. So, whenever those thoughts creep in, satan's ploys to trick you into something you know you shouldn't do, don't let it. It's easy to believe that no one else will know. But someone will. You will. And Christ will. That's what satan hopes you will do: ignore those two individuals and listen to it. But eventually, the time will come when a reckoning is made, and that's when you'll hear the one true voice of Christ telling you what is next.

Tune in next time for 10: It's Time.