10: Wake Me Up When September Ends, Part 3

"It's always darkest before the dawn."

After the loop monitor insertion, things began to ease off some. My anxiety came down quite a bit. I was feeling a little more like myself but still guarded. My blood sugars were still good. As I said, I felt like I was moving in the right direction.

Then, Tuesday, September 26 came.

The day started fine, but I walked to the hospital around lunchtime to get some food. That's when I had an odd feeling in the center of my body. The sensation was centered between my heart and stomach, and it felt like it was more toward my stomach, but I couldn't tell. What it felt like was weakness.

It was persistent and was present the entire time I walked to and from the hospital. I ate something to see if that would help, then laid down on my office floor for a few minutes. That seemed to help, and then my stomach got upset. I had to use the bathroom two times within an hour, and then my stomach felt sour. I wasn't sure if it was something I had eaten or if perhaps I was getting a stomach bug, but it just felt bad. So, I went to the store to buy some Tums to help alleviate the situation. Back in August, taking some Tums helped me once after eating something I knew I shouldn't have. The Tums also helped again, somewhat, but I still felt off.

The sensation I felt was gone, but I generally felt bad. That was when I decided to go home early that day, ensuring my lab instructors were in a good place. I drove home, still not feeling completely good, and when I reached home, I really didn't feel well.

All of a sudden, this pressure started building up in my chest. I hadn't felt something like that before, even with the Afib. Leslie and Abby had gone shopping, and I was home with Charlie. I decide to go lie in bed, trying to rest some. That's when I checked my blood pressure.

Before this day, my blood pressure had averaged 120s/80s or 130s/80s, not a real concern. But when I checked it around 5 PM that day, it was 168/98 with a pulse of 70. I was shocked. I immediately checked my other arm's blood pressure, which was up, along with my pulse. Then I started to freak out. 

My legs began shaking. I didn't know what was happening. My heart rate was going way up, so I took another Cardizem. I thought the Afib was returning. I was in complete meltdown mode and did the only thing I knew to do: I called my Cardiologist. Since it was after hours, I had to speak with whoever was on call. It was the same person I would see the next day for my loop recorder follow-up. I told them what was happening and all the symptoms I felt. The only thing they could suggest at that moment was for me to go to the ER to have an EKG done and see what might be going on, as they didn't have access at that time to the loop recorder monitor. All I could think was, here I am, headed to the ER again for the second time in a month.

My in-laws were home and helped drive me to the hospital, where my mom and Leslie joined us. I was so stressed out being there again. My blood pressure only came down some, with my heart rate bounding around, but it was never in Afib. I was lying there on the stretcher in the ER, and that's when I had a disturbing thought.

Am I just a burden now? Maybe they would all be better off if I wasn't here.

For an instant, I believed I was a burden on everyone. My anxiety was becoming overwhelming. My fear of Afib pushed me to the brink of unhealthy thoughts and considerations. Those are really unbelievable thoughts. I had many blessings to be thankful for, but I was letting this situation control me despite knowing I needed to not do that, to give it to God. That's when you know you are powerless to stop it. At that moment, I knew I needed some help.

The 12 Steps Program for alcohol addiction tells you that you can recover until that person admits they have a problem. Well, I admitted it by the time I got home that night. I had a problem, and I needed to fix it. Mentally, my problem was escalating and starting to cause physical reactions.

This can also be termed Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The episode of Afib had pushed me to a dark place. Dark thoughts were creeping in, and even the unthinkable was being considered. I had to do something about it. I didn't believe I had a problem for a while during these previous months, but my anxiety had taken on a life of its own. When I went for my loop recorder follow-up, I truly believe my cardiologist was more concerned about my mental well-being than my heart that day. The loop recorder showed nothing. My blood pressure being up was born out of anxiety, fear, and really things unrelated to my heart. Now, my EKG did show some mild ST depression in the anterior lead and some T inversion in the lateral lead. These are not necessarily bad things but could have indicated a potential blocked artery. But, those EKG changes could have also meant electrolyte imbalances or even high stress and anxiety. So, to determine what was happening, they wanted to repeat my stress test and echocardiogram that I had done the previous year. Leslie and I were relieved because we thought more testing was needed.

I asked my cardiologist if they thought I needed something for stress or anxiety, and they answered yes. Either an SSRI or even a Benzodiazepine potentially, so I set an appointment with my primary care provider that day.

For the rest of that week, my stress was still very high. My cardiologist did provide me with some hydralazine for high blood pressure to help until the two tests, just as needed. I took one to take the edge off, and it seemed to help. My blood pressure was fine for the days following, but my anxiety was all over the place. 

At one point that Saturday, I was anxious about being home with no other adults. Once my parents came over to visit, that anxiety came down some. But it was still incredibly high. I was anxious about eating certain foods, fearing it would raise my blood pressure too much. I was fearful of doing things that would get my heart rate up. I was afraid to drive for fear something would happen to my heart and I would kill my whole family in a car accident. I was becoming extremely irrational. 

That Sunday night, my blood pressure went up again. My stomach was just churning all week and causing me issues. I truly believed I had some sort of stomach bug that played a factor, and my cardiologist did wonder if something I ate upset it contributing, but my anxiety was the bigger issue. But as I lay in the bed with my family, I heard whimpering beside me. 

It was Leslie, crying herself to sleep. She was worried sick about me and what was happening to me. I remember laying there thinking, "This can't keep going on. Something has got to give. Someway somehow, it has got to get better. I can't keep doing this to my family, to those I love."

I asked Jesus to help me in any way possible. And He did.

The next day, I had some meetings, and my anxiety was extremely high for those things, making it higher than usual. I had to take another hydralazine to help with the blood pressure. But following that meeting, I talked with a friend who started helping me. They shared some of the concerns they have had in life and what they have had to endure. It started helping me put things in perspective better. Almost immediately, my stomach stopped churning. My blood pressure came down. I could focus again, and I was feeling some better. Maybe it was a stomach bug. Maybe it was just my anxiety. Maybe it was both, but it had eased off. I had put everything in perspective now, and things felt different.

September was finally over, and the dawn of October was starting well for me on this Monday afternoon. Something was telling me, things are going to be ok. I just needed to accept it.

Tune in for the next segment, 10: October Acceptance.